(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

"Yes...but..."

"Marry you..." she whispered, repeating the words, unsure she'd understood them correctly, "now...here...in Venice?"

"Yes," he said smiling, the blue of his eyes reflecting a misty sheen of hope and expectation, eager for celebration in anticipation of her answer.

"Married...now," she whispered, "but...I...we can't...not...not until..." and knew immediately she had made a mistake. One that could unravel the weeks of nurturing that had provided them with the last hours of happiness.

His gaze turned somber, his eyes lost their shine and only met her gaze for brief seconds before he turned away, seconds that lasted a lifetime and spoke of betrayal as she glimpsed into his soul.

"Fine," he said barely audible as he released her hand, "we should get back, it's late."

"Derek," she said reaching for his arm and holding him back, "don't pull away...that is not what I meant."

"It's fine Meredith, I understand, let's walk back," he said and all she heard was disappointment and despair, and desperately wished she'd chosen another way to give her answer.

"No, you don't get to do this, Derek...you don't get to walk way."

"What more do you want from me," he said barely able to control his emotions, "because right now, all I can do is walk back with you."

"Derek... please, you did not let me finish what I wanted to say...you took me by surprise, it's not what I meant."

"You don't want to do this, I get it."

"Derek...you don't get it, I love you..."

"But..." he said sardonically, "but... fuck, how I hate that word," he laughed, "you're right it's been my fuck up using that word in the past, but you...tonight, I guess... payback, for all those times...your timing was impeccable...payback..." he murmured.

"You think...do you actually think that...that I'd ...that I've said this...Derek...as payback..."

"Meredith, I don't know what to think, let's drop it and get back."

"No...I will not drop it and you don't get to shut me up."

"Yes," he told her adamantly, his teeth clenched tightly, "yes, I do, because if not I'm going to say something we will both regret, and I'd rather we just end things, without..."

"You're not listening...Derek...you can't just ignore what I have to say, it's not," she paused registering what he'd said, "wait...you said end things...you ...you want to end things...you don't, Derek...you don't mean that..." she whispered, unsure of how the wrong choice of words had made things take such a horrible turn.

"All I know ... Meredith, all I know...is I can't do this...I can't..." he began almost breaking down, "I tried...I thought it would be enough, but it's not...I'm going back tomorrow, you can stay...the trip is paid for...all taken care of, I'm...I'm going back...I'll leave you alone."

"Derek...why...why are you doing this," she spoke, urgency in her tone, "why are you doing this to us...to me..."

"I didn't do anything Meredith...obviously nothing I've done is enough..."

"Derek...I could really hate you right now...I really could," she stood up to him.

"Don't you already...what I don't understand is why you went along with all of this, why did you accept my proposal? Why...if you didn't want this..." he said swallowing past the lump in his throat as well as his pride.

"Why did I accept your proposal," she repeated as she only stared at him, angered by his reaction, but softening as she looked in his eyes and saw a broken and defeated man, and
that he too had trust issues, and many of her actions in the past had not done anything to reassure him.

"Please, let's walk back," he said quietly, meeting her eyes for the briefest of moments, and she followed without responding for about sixty seconds and then stopped right before turning a corner that would lead back to the hotel.

"Derek," she said with more confidence than she was feeling, "I'm not going back."

"What?"

"I'm not going back to the hotel with you."

"Meredith, let's go, we can finish this later."

"No," she said emphatically, "we will finish this now...and that's the second time in three minutes you've spoken of ending and finishing this...so go ahead, you want to end this...tell me straight out, spell it out for me, because I'm dense and don't get it..." she glared at him having fully recovered her resolve that she was not going to let him pull away, especially since he had jumped to conclusions without hearing her out.

"We're in the middle of the street, we can have this conversation in private," he said and turned his head ready to walk away.

"In private," she said quietly, "I don't give a damn about where we are," and surprising them both smacked the back of his head, "you...stupid...moronic... brainless ass."

"What the hell was that for," he said rubbing the back of his head.

"To see if I could knock some sense into that empty brain of yours."

"I'm not the one that turned down the proposal...I'm the one who's being rejected, so...I don't see how..."

"Oh...oh...oh," she said in frustration, "you are such an ass..."

"So you've said...now can we stop this public display..." he began but was interrupted.

"Public display," she said gesturing with her hands, "where...where is the public because all I see are empty streets, and if you think I'm going to let you ruin the most beautiful night of my life...over an obvious lapse of your brain activity," she said and swatted his arm forcefully, "you have another thing coming Derek Shepherd, because I'm not going to let you."

"Meredith...I'm not the one that said no," he said quietly.

"What...seriously...I'm going to have to think you are drunk or on drugs Derek."

"I was not," he said getting angry, "the one that does not want to get married."

"You are impossible, I did not say that."

Really, do you care to interpret, I can't, we can't."

"That was not to getting married, but to getting married here...now...in Venice, and if you'd have let me finish my sentence..."

"My point Meredith is that I have no doubts...I don't need to wait. But, you do, maybe you should try to figure out why that is."

"Maybe you're right," she said annoyed with his close mindedness. "If you had let me finish without jumping to conclusions, you'd have understood," she said sadly, "but you're right, maybe I should try to figure this out..." and began to walk ahead of him, her steps hurried, wanting to reach the hotel as quickly as possible.

He followed her, keeping his distance behind her, his thoughts in turmoil as regret filled his every emotion, wishing he had not asked her to marry him now. He should have known she'd need more time. He should have known she was not ready, but his heart had been filled with hope and for one moment he thought she might say yes, but now all that they'd worked for seemed lost.

She walked along the quiet streets trying to understand where they'd failed, what had taken weeks to regain in a matter of minutes began to fall apart, but she was not ready to give up, and as she walked she could feel his pain and doubts and she decreased the length of her steps, until she could almost feel his breathing and she knew it was up to her to reassure him. Her steps became shorter and as she felt his presence at her side simply reached for his hand and felt him tremble, felt the slight nervous shaking of his hand and with that simple action accepted how very fragile their relationship remained and how desperately they needed to build their trust in each other.

They turned the corner to the hotel, and at the very spot where hours earlier they'd enjoyed being in each other's embrace, they gently squeezed the other's hand, if nothing else a silent pledge of their love for each other.

"Dr. Shepherd," the clerk said when they approached the desk to get their key, "there was a delivery made to your room, please let us know if all is to your satisfaction."

"Of course," Derek told him, unaware as to why anything could have been left for them, and surprised he'd been called Doctor, as he usually never mentioned his title.

She did not let go of his hand, and he felt her weariness as she walked up the steps and then waited for him to open the door, a sigh of relief escaping her as they walked in to their room, neither noticing the bucket with a bottle of champagne.

She released his hand and turned to him, ready to face things head on. "I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone, but we can't do his anymore, this constant mistrust and jumping to conclusions, second guessing the other' s meaning.
I accept my part in it, but now, you have a choice to make...because I've already made mine, and I'm ready to walk away," she said, silently praying for strength that she could pull this off, because the alternative was them going their separate ways and too painful to consider. "Think about what you really want, because after tonight, whatever that is, there is no turning back."

She walked away making every attempt not to break down and left him for a few minutes, hiding away in the bathroom trying to gather her thoughts. Here she was, dark and twisty Meredith Grey confronting instead of avoiding, while Derek, the one that had held them together the last several weeks was coming apart. She had seen it, she' d sensed his retreat intermittently since they had left Seattle, and now it had manifested itself fully when she'd made the wrong choice of words, because what she felt, what she wanted left no doubts in her heart or mind.

She'd made her choice, she knew what her answer was, but she'd never expected him to jump to the worst of conclusions and then like a bad television script, it all seemed to take a life of its own leading them to this impasse. But, while walking along the centuries old streets in silence, she'd felt the heartbreak and the turmoil in his soul, and realized just as had happened weeks ago that he still did not trust her feelings for him. She'd thought, after all they'd been through together the last three weeks, he'd finally accepted how much she loved him and that she was not going to leave him again. Ironically, that is what she had meant to tell him, what she'd wanted to discuss. Instead he'd interpreted she did not want to get married and both had said things she was certain neither had meant, almost comedic if not for the reality and seriousness that ensued.

She stepped out a few minutes later and looked at her watch. It was almost ten o'clock, three hours since the most perfect moment of her life, his proposal. It had taken less than three minutes for things to begin to unravel, and she would not, could not allow their life together to be built on mistrust and miscommunication.

The room was in total darkness, probably to suit his mood she thought and noticed the balcony door ajar, his body resting against the railing of the balcony, head raised looking across the lagoon towards Giudecca Island, the familiar dome of a church shining by artificial muted light, its blue tinge reflection, romantic on any other night.

She crossed the room quietly observing him, but once she saw the familiar gesture, his hand raised to cover his eyes then fingers running through his hair and the almost invisible shaking of his shoulders, she hurried to his side and wrapped her arms around his waist feeling the slight trembling of his body and the sharp intake of breath as she rested her face gently on his back.

"I need you...and I believe you need me," she said wrapping her arms tighter around him, "and I'm not ready to give up on us."

"You said..." he spoke after several minutes that seemed a lifetime to her.

"I said...or rather, I started to say," she continued quietly, "all I wanted to say...all I needed to say...is that we can't get married...not until we've talked about important things, things that we can't ignore anymore..."

"Like what..." he said without turning, but she placed a kiss on his back, and then forced him to look at her.

"The day I drowned..."she whispered, her unwavering gaze meeting his, "our fears."

"I...we...I can't...can't go through that, relive that again."

"Mocking me...are you, repeating my words," she said, attempting and failing miserably to lighten the mood.

"This is not funny."

"Actually, it is...a comedy of errors..."

"Meredith..." he paused, running his hand through his hair again, "we...I'm not..."

She smiled indulgently, "what can't you ...do... or say...or face..."

"I don't understand...why...why you're ...what are we doing, Meredith, what is all this about."

"What are we doing..." she said, trying to sound confident and putting all her doubts and mounting fears aside. "I thought...well, I think...I'm getting married..." she said looking at him, reaching up to kiss him softly, "in Venice."

"What...what are you talking about...is this some sort of game?"

"No...Derek...it's what I would have answered, if you had not jumped to conclusions."

"You're just saying that...you said no..."

"Listen to me, Derek Shepherd, I've had enough of your accusations that I don't trust you and then you turn around and do the same thing, worse in fact. You're going to have to decide once and for all what it is you want and trust me, and you need to stop taking things back...because instead of a wedding ring I'm going to have to buy you a life size crab and hang it around your neck."

"How..." he said rather incredulous, "how can you joke about this, we...we walked here in silence, my whole world...falling apart...thinking I'd lost you...again," he said with sadness in his voice, "and you can joke."

"Consider the alternative," she said quietly.

"Which is?"

"Are you leaving tomorrow?"

"I didn't want to say that...Meredith I don't know what comes over me...over us that we keep backsliding."

"I told you...the curse of the crab," she teased.

"Stop it...stop it Meredith, it's not a joke. We just said some things that shouldn't have been said."

"I know, but did you mean them...did you really mean you wanted to leave tomorrow, to leave me here...alone...for a week to enjoy the plans you'd made, to literally take back your proposal, because if you did," she said and for emphasis started to slide her engagement ring off her finger, "this belongs to you."

He grabbed her hand immediately, "no...no...please...don't...don't ruin that moment...because of me...all I said to you, every word, I meant...let me remember the moment you said yes...not when you take off that ring."

"Is there," she said, almost afraid of his answer, "will there be a need for me to take it off?"

"I can't lose you again...Meredith...I can't ...can't handle that," he said as she heard the broken intake of breath.

"You can't lose me...you can only push me away..."

"Have I done that already? Tonight have I done that again?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know."

"I don't know who I'm talking too...I don't recognize this man...this man that almost ruined the most beautiful night of my life..."

"Almost," he murmured afraid to still hope she'd forgive him completely.

She wrapped her arms around him, "it's cold out here, let's talk inside," she said and kissed him softly, and then took his and pulled him inside until they reached the bed and sat down, then she got up to turn a small light on.

"Meredith...what...where do we go from here?"

"We talk..."

"You want to talk...about...about what happened."

"I do, I need to understand many things too."

"What?"

"Why you are constantly pulling away from me..."

"Meredith," he said, almost amused for the first time in the last half hour.

"What..." she replied, her spirits lifting at his tone.

"That's what I said to you...Cristina's wedding...you can't say the same thing to me."

"Of course I can, if it's true...and I was, I was pulling away from you then, but you...you've been doing this since we left Seattle, before even...and you need to understand why, before we make a commitment...we both need to understand why."

"I don't pull away," he said doing exactly that, an emotional retreat she was more than familiar with.

"You are, emotionally, and I understand but we have to talk Derek...we can't push all of this under the...whatever..."

"Who are you? You want to talk...communicate...did someone else..."

"Invade my body," she smiled.

"At the very least," he joked.

"Derek...I'm having doubts too...who you are ...what you want from me, from our relationship."

"You know who I am."

"Do you really think that?"

"Of course you do...I've kept nothing from you...I've been open...these last weeks..."

"But I'm still confused, because you see..." she said turning slightly to face him, "you saved me...and you were my strength...but you also say things that hurt me, and Derek we can't go in to a marriage with that attitude...because I'm not in this for a year or two...I'm in this, just as you asked me...I'm in this for a lifetime."

He was a mess. He admitted it and now she was being the stronger of the two, and began to feel he was failing her again, and the first reaction was to pull away from her, ashamed of how he'd let things get out of hand. She was right, he had ruined their evening, what was supposed to be the first of good memories, untainted by the past, and he looked at her allowing her a glimpse of his doubts and got up and walked away, and she only gave him a chance to pace for a short distance before she got up and put her hand on his arm and challenged him.

"You do not get to do this, you do not get to walk away from me, we are going to have this discussion...we promised each other that," she said forcing him to look at her. "Do you have any idea how I feel right now? I sat on a gondola with the man I love, the world's most perfect man, at least that's what I told Lexie," she smiled, "way back when... and tonight I said yes, before you even asked... that's a person I don't recognize, and you've turned me into her...a person who because of you, is full of hope and not so secret feelings...and wants desperately to change and communicate and build our relationship. All because you love me and when I ask you to share this big elephant in the room with us, this thing...bird...around our neck weighing us down and you walk away and tell me you're leaving."

"You didn't want to marry me."

"No Derek, you don't get away with that. I paused, and began to tell you how I felt, and you jumped to your own wrong conclusions."

"What...what is it you want?"

"I want to know why you do that...I want to understand who this man I said yes to...I said yes, I wanted to marry you...who he is, because he does not get to walk away again, not if he loves me...if you love me...you will not walk away. But you are and I want to know why you don't think we're worth fighting for." She continued without giving him much chance to respond, though she sensed he wasn't going to, because she truly understood it was about trust, and his fears much like her own, their greatest fear was the possibility of losing each other again.

"I have trusted you, put myself out there again, vulnerable to being hurt and I have loved you and trusted you. For you, for us... opened up to Kathleen and your mother and Lexie and...." she paused, feeling the depth of her emotions, "and the man I said yes to...held me in his arms and gave me the strength I needed to get through the next second of my life, as I laid there and felt the painful and devastating failure of my body to keep my baby safe ..." she said and he did turn away from her then to hide his pain, and walked to the bed and sat with his head down, and she followed and knelt in front of him her hands on his thighs as she reached for both his hands.

"The man I said yes to...that man, the one that held me through that night while our baby...was gone, and you... the idea that you loved me, made it possible to make it through; the man who pulled me out of the water...the same man who the last three weeks has given more of himself than ever, but you are also holding back and hours ago made the most romantic and I thought beautiful and heartfelt proposal a woman could ever dream of...that man...does not get to hurt me again. I've lost everyone I've loved, everyone that was supposed to love me, and I can't lose you too...but if you don't want me," she continued without holding back, and he heard the tears in her voice, "I will let you go, I will ...if you tell me you've changed your mind...that you don't care ...that it's too much work... I will be the one that walks away..." she said and waited for his answer, and in the silence that followed started to take her ring off, when she felt his tears on her hands, one drop falling and sliding off her ring.

"I...I held you in my arms...lifeless...like ice..." he began and was unable to continue as he broke down and sobbed and as she began to stand he pulled her into his arms.

"You saved me..." she said softly after his breathing began to feel normal again.

"All...I do...is fail you...over and over...even that night...I wasn't there...you woke up...and I wasn't there...and tonight...rushed you."

"Derek...you did not rush me..."

"You said ..."

"I said we need to talk about what happened, Derek I drowned...you saved me, and we have never talked about it."

"Why now? Why pick now?"

"Because," she said and caressed his face gently, "you asked me to marry you...to marry you now...here in Venice..."

"But...you said..."

"And I want to...I do...but..."

"I hate that word Meredith..."

"Maybe we can eliminate it ...along with fine," she smiled, "from our vocabulary."

"Why now..." he insisted.

"We are making one of the biggest decisions of our lives...I already said yes...I want to marry you Derek...I want to be your wife..." she smiled and looked up into his eyes, "and yes I do mean now...you're right, you have no doubts...neither do I...not anymore, because I know what I want is to spend the rest of my life with you...and I want that dream...the dream of our home and our family, bu..." she paused, "I thought we were going to have all this time to go back and for me to go to therapy and try to be a bit more...less dark and twisty...to go into our marriage just a little more healed...so when I said...we have to talk...I just wanted to give you that option...to wait... "

"I don't need an option."

"But I do...I needed to give you that option... to wait, till I get through with therapy...then you can decide if you still want me... want me to be your wife."

"Meredith, there's never been any doubt in my mind. Tonight, I asked you...and you said yes, and I had never been happier in all my life... "

"That's not true," she told him.

"Of course it's true," he argued.

"There was a sadness...even the gondolier noticed, something was holding you back."

"Yes," he admitted, "there was."

"Then maybe you're not ready."

"My only sadness was thinking about the possibility of you missing from my life."

"I'm not going anywhere, not unless you want me to...I'm not going to leave you."

"You already have," he whispered.

"That's what we have to talk about...it wasn't by choice Derek...you don't know what happened."

"Then tell me."

"That's all I wanted to do, for us to talk about it...once and for all, and move on with our lives."

"I'm sorry..." he said.

"For what?"

"Ruining this evening...tonight..."

"You didn't..."

"Only a few minutes of it...but now, Derek...this is the rest of our lives...this is where we decide if we're going to spend it together."

"Meredith..." he said and kissed her lightly, then following her lead deepened their kiss, "I have no doubts about wanting to spend it together."

"Neither do I."

"Then..."

"Then...we talk about it...everything we haven't talked about before...about that day...about me...drowning...and you saving me...and then ...pushing me away."

"I...I did not push you away..."

"Yes, Derek...you did...but I did too...and we can't do that anymore."

"But..."

"I thought we agreed to eliminate that word..." she added softly.

"It's a preposition...you use it sometimes..." he joked with her.

"Yeah...well...you are the one that has a problem with the word, not always using it at the best of times that is..."

"Meredith..." he murmured, and she knew they'd survived yet another obstacle along the one hundred steps to their dream home.

"Derek..."

"We're going to make it...we're going to have that lifetime..."

"I know we are...we just have to face our problems...not sweep them away."

"Sweep them under the rug or the carpet you mean..." he teased.

"That's another thing," she smiled, "no more teasing...about my lack of ..."

"Ability or perhaps more fitting...interest in remembering a famous quote or sentence," he joked with her.

"Yes."

"How about this one, can you remember this one..." he teased as he lowered his mouth
to hers and they both laughed as they kissed.

"I have no problem with remembering that...no verbal skills required," and for the first time in over an hour laughter echoed in their hearts, this time, with the understanding that they had finally risen to the challenge of dealing with their fears. The greatest one of them, the one that would determine and set the course of the rest of their lives.

"Where do we start," he said.

"The beginning..."

"Ok."

"But..."

"Meredith..."

"First, we pick up where we left off...before we turned this into a three ring circus."

"Ah...she can remember..."

"It seems she can," she laughed.

"Where do you propose we begin," he asked.

"Well...you proposed...and it was beautiful...and emotional and sentimental..." she said and a tear escaped to be captured by his thumb, "and the most beautiful night of my life."

"And we walked through the streets of Venice...totally and completely in love..."

"And you said...Meredith...marry me..."

"Marry me ...marry me now..."

"What does that mean...now?" she said reliving that moment, knowing it was now guaranteed a different outcome, or rather she thought and smiled, the perfect outcome.

"Here... now, in Venice," he said again, this time his eyes still shining brightly, though now tears were reflected by them both, his heart and hers beat rapidly in anticipation, their soul were filled with undeniable love and bursting with joy, as only two lovers destined to fulfill the dreams of lovers destined to be together for a lifetime and beyond eternity.

"Marry you...now...here...in Venice?"

"Yes," he said smiling, as she was, the blue of his eyes again reflecting a misty sheen of hope and expectation, hers the grey green he loved, both eager of the celebration her answer would bring as they sealed the promises of love everlasting.

"Married...now," she whispered, "here...in Venice..." she smiled, and the course of the evening changed again, as it should have continued a mere hour before.

"Meredith..."

"Derek..."

"Yes...the answer is yes," she told him tears and smiles mingled together, "but...before we do...we talk...we talk about that night...that day...our fears..."

"The day you drowned..." he said, having always understood that was their greatest fear, that of losing the other.

"The day you saved me."

"As you saved me...months before."

"Yes...but...now...we talk..."

"We'll be here all night."

"As long as it takes Derek...as long as it takes... because when we say yes," she smiled, "when we say I do...it's for always...there's no turning back."

"It's for a lifetime Meredith...there was never any doubt about that."

"What a tale to tell our children..." she smiled.

"I think...I know ..." he joked, "I want editorial rights on this one."

"I can live with that."

"I can't live without you," he said, his voice full of emotion.

"Neither can I," she said, and wrapped her arms around him, as they both embraced the other and sealed their commitment to a lifetime.