(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Unpredictable Storms

"Derek, she's alive. There has to be a reason she's alive."

"I don't know. We haven't really talked about that at length."

"Derek, do you mean to tell me that girl did not go to therapy after what happened?"

"She did not."

"Why? You just told me she gave up, that is a serious statement. She is a doctor, she has to treat patients, at the very least, someone should have talked to her."

"I believe they did, but she did not go to any formal therapy sessions."

"You believe they did, you don't know? And the two of you, you didn't talk about this, her experience?"

"She did talk to someone from psych, it should be in her file. No, we did not really talk about it."

"Derek, that is irresponsible on both your part and hers, and the hospital's."

"I can't force her to talk."

"You most certainly should have. One does not go through an experience like that, and sweep it under the rug, Derek, you should know this, you are a doctor, and she is supposed to be the woman you love, you don't just forget about something like that."

"I never forgot it," he yelled, "I spent days just watching her breathe, making sure that she was alright, watching over her..."

"That is not the point. You needed to talk to her, to understand what happened. As doctors, it's inexcusable that you and Richard did not insist on this, as the man who loves her, it's cowardly and unacceptable."

"Don't you dare tell me I was a coward."

"You were. I'm sorry, how can you ignore something like that. Whether she gave up, or it simply happened, you don't ignore something like that. It changes a person, Derek, and Meredith should not have dealt with that alone."

"I tried to be there for her, she didn't want to talk about it, that's how she deals with things, avoiding them, I can't force her..."

"I can see it, all the problems...part of them anyway, the two of you are not so different...you both avoid dealing with issues ..."

"You don't know what you're talking about," he got up and accused angrily.

"But I do," she said getting up as well, "you've been doing this since Daddy died, Derek never talking about it, never facing what really happened, walking away from your problems with Addison, running away from them...instead of confronting them, keeping us all away...and now this...you are avoiding as much as she is...and if you don't start to deal with things..."

"That's enough."

"No, it's not. This is why I'm here. This is why you called me, because you know you can't run away from this anymore, not if you want to have a chance in hell of saving your relationship with Meredith."

He turned away in anger, and walked towards the slope of the cliff that was his land.

Kathleen allowed him the time alone he needed, but not for too long and began to walk towards him. She could see by his stance how much he was hurting, while he gazed far away to the horizon, and stood beside him, placing her arm around his waist and felt him become rigid.

"I know, that you think I was the nastiest most awful bitch from hell, but you need to hear those things, because, you have to face your issues. You have a baby on the way, with the woman you love and you should welcome that baby without all these issues. You have both been through a lot these past months, and it's time for both of you to heal."

"You made it sound like I didn't care...like I didn't care enough about her, and just let it go, and that is not fair."

"I think you care very deeply, but you didn't know how to handle something that was so totally unexpected and foreign to you."

"I lost her Kathleen," he sobbed, "I pulled her out of the water, and she was blue...and I kept trying to make her breathe, and I lost her...I could not save her...and she had given up..."

"Derek," she said with tears matching his own, "you did save her, honey, you did...she's here, alive and well, that was you...you saved her... you know those first moments are critical, and you were there."

"But it wasn't enough, Kathleen, we still didn't make it, after a while, it wasn't enough for us to stay together."

"That's what I need to understand, come on, let's walk back, I'll fix us something for lunch, and we can finish this conversation."

"I'm not hungry."

"Well, I am," she lied, because she really had no desire to eat, but wanted to get things back to an even keel and semblance of normalcy, "let's go," she said as she slipped her arm in his and they walked back to his car, and rode to his trailer.

"Go, take a walk, clear your head."

"Thank you...maybe I'll call Meredith."

"Leave her alone, let her work."

"You have that in common you know."

"What?"

"You're both bossy."

"Good, then you're used to it. Go."

Derek walked to the lake, she was right, he needed to clear his thoughts and pull himself together. He saw Kathleen walking toward him about twenty minutes later.

"I thought we could eat her, it's a beautiful day," she said and put down a blanket and set the lunch and drinks she'd prepared.

"Did you call Meredith?"

"No, I followed your advice."

"Let's eat lunch. Derek, my kids are going to love this land."

"I can't wait for all of you to come out. I mean that Kathleen, make it happen, don't wait."

"I was thinking, if you're ok with it, maybe we can come out in a month or two, get two of the suites at the Inn, and...well...maybe..."

"Spit it out."

"Bringmomwithme."

"Uhmmm...that's brave...but it might work...let me see...let me talk to Meredith."

"I won't say anything, you let me know."

"Yes...I will, it would be better, if they met, before ...before we go there with the baby."

"You can let me know," she said and they ate in silence.

"Kat, I think I need to go back and tell you a little more, of what's happened, before, before Meredith's accident."

"That would be good."

He took a deep breath and began telling the story, from where they left off, after he'd chosen to walk away, and she listened without comments for a while. "The day our divorce was final, I found out she and Mark stayed together after I left, also that Meredith had broken up with Finn the same day of her surgery. Then recently, in the last few days in fact, I found out that after I'd accused her of being a whore, that she'd never slept with him, and had she been pregnant, it would have definitely been my child."

"Derek, don't you see the pattern here, the fact that your problems are all related to lack of communication. The two of you don't talk."

"Of course we talk."

"Yes, but you're avoiding the important things."

"We've been doing that...I know you're right, but over the last two weeks, after our last fight...break up...we've been talking...about our feelings, our problems."

"That's a start. Tell me, how did Meredith react, when she admitted this to you, that she broke up with the vet and you just walked away?"

"She didn't. She didn't push me or question me, she walked away."

"Oh, Derek, the two of you have been through so much, I'm so sorry."

"It's not the end of it, unfortunately," he said, and continued to tell the story, including the day Nancy showed up and ultimately telling her he needed to take some time.

"She's been very understanding Derek."

"You really are going to be on her side, aren't you?"

"Do you really believe that? That I'm totally biased?"

"I'm not sure."

"Derek, one of your major issues is trust. I'm giving you part of her perspective...to help you understand how you will both deal with your feelings...your reality, going forward, and it may seem like I'm biased...but what I really am, is praying I can help both of you understand each other."

"Sometimes...Kathleen...I feel I've forgotten how to do that...how to pray..."

"That...is not acceptable Derek, because...if you forget that, you take for granted there's a higher Being, and for that, I believe Mom would really rake you over the coals. That is not the way she raised us."

"I didn't forget...not when Meredith was lying in a hospital room dead," he said.

"And your prayers were answered. You should remember that. You know doctors have a way of thinking of themselves as gods Derek, and we're not."

"Tell that to Mark," he said, releasing some of the tension.

"My point exactly," she laughed.

He told Kathleen that after a camping trip they got back together, she gave him another chance and even shared with her their attempt at bright and shiny, and Meredith's having to deal with her Mother's advancing Alzheimer's, Richard walking away and the role he played in their lives, including Ellis telling Meredith she should have never had children.

"What a horrible woman."

"You see...that's what we all think, but Meredith, she protects her memory, fiercely in that regard. She admits it was a terrible childhood, but she maintains this sense of loyalty I don't understand."

"It was her mother."

"She was her worst nightmare. She never took care of her the way a child deserves, and yet she took care of her Mother."

"That only speaks of her character Derek, what she did is honorable and commendable."

"Unlike me."

"I did not say that."

"You don't have to. I have been neither of those in my behavior."

"Don't you go off the deep end, here, yes, you could have done some things differently, but you do know what it means to be honorable and decent, and those are traits you carry in your heart and soul...you just need to remember that...and allow your actions to match those of your heart."

"I failed her, Kathleen, she told me, admitted she had abandonment issues, and I failed her," he said and continued to tell her about meeting her father's new family, how he found out she'd never been in a serious relationship before, and after promising to always show up, he didn't. "Then one day, Kathleen, it was horrible, Ellis Grey had one lucid day, and in a few hours totally devastated and broke her spirit," he told her without leaving anything out.

"Oh good God, that woman is better off dead."

"She'd already done the damage, and then, I failed...completely... to see the signs of what was happening with Meredith, she was pulling away, and I failed her..." he said, with tears in his eyes, "and before I knew it I was pulling her out of Eliot Bay ."

He saw the tears rolling down Kathleen's cheeks, and reached out to hold her hand.

"She was...is...the love of my life Kathleen, and I keep failing her, and it has to stop,
I need to make her understand I'm not going to do that again."

"Listen to me, she does not feel that you are failing her, she loves you Derek, you look in her eyes, and she loves you."

"Then why, why did she tell me she would have been better off is she had joined her mother?"

"You already know the answer to that. Derek, we haven't talked about what happened that evening, but it sounds like she was hurt and maybe even afraid that you were going to walk away again...sometimes, we say things we don't mean, when we're angry and hurting...didn't you just tell me how you felt, when you found out she was dating the vet, and you lashed out at her, saying things you knew would hurt her....you told her it was over between you...you said that purposely to hurt her, when you actually had no rights, at all, Derek you were with your wife."

"Yes," he said, "I did want to hurt her."

"Why don't you tell me the rest, so I can have the entire picture."

"When she came back, somehow she knew her mother was dead."

"Derek, you need to talk about this, her experience, I'm sure there is so much more that she has not talked about. I've had cases like this, and it changes your life, you need to talk about it."

"She told me, one day, that her experience had been very different than mine, that she wanted to be better at everything, that it was not the time to give up on her."

"Did you ask her what she meant by that? Did she feel you had given up on her?"

"No and yes."

"Ok...little brother, this is it. You are going to promise me one thing and one thing only, and that is that you and Meredith are going to sit down...and however long it takes you are going to talk...just like you've told me today, this brief glimpse into your lives, I want the two of you to go back and do the same...and deal with each of these issues, one at a time. It doesn't matter how long it takes, it only matters that you do this. Ideally, I'd say, go to a therapist together, and you should, but for now...the two of you, together can start working on communication and talking about all these things in your lives."

"She...she may not be ready."

"She's more than ready. What she said to you, it's a start, she needs to talk about it as much as you do, and the fact she's sorry...that she hurt you...that she wanted me to know she was sorry, that's a good start, because she did not mean what she said."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Trust me. She may have wanted to say that to you in that moment, but deep down in her heart, all she wants is to be happy...with you."

"That's not the end of it Kathleen."

"There's more, after her drowning?"

"It feels like that was only the beginning," he said, and continued relating the events since her drowning, leaving nothing out including the newly found relationship with Susan, his fears about her mental well being, staying up nights just watching her breathe, his interest in the chief of surgery position and how Meredith's situation affected him, and his distancing from her, how he began to have doubts about the future of their relationship.

"Then, one night," he said, "she's making an effort, to be open and discuss things, but it only angered me, and instead of being supportive, I was wrapped up in my own pain and fears and told her I didn't want to breathe for her anymore, and it was the first time I had brought it up, her giving up in the water."

"Derek, how could you let her walk away after saying that? Why didn't you make her stay and talk about it?"

"Don't you think," he said getting up, "I have chastised myself enough over that, regretted it every day since it happened, until she decided she wasn't ready to be with me."

"Wait, that doesn't make sense, she went to find you, she went to be with you...but you bring up the drowning, and then just let her walk away, it is not all her fault, you are both equally at fault here, but Derek, I'm sorry, knowing all you do about her life, all he doubts and insecurities, it was up to you to reassure her."

"I've already told you I continue to fail her and not being good enough for her, what more do you want from me?"

"I want you to start facing each of these situations, and confront them together, and figure out what the hell each of you was thinking, or rather not thinking...and understand how to move on...because you clearly are meant for each other, and these issues of insecurities on both of your sides, cannot be dealt with by anyone other than the two of you together."

"Is that the shrink's expert advise."

"No, you moron. That is your sister's expert advise, because she loves you, and because the more I hear about what her life has been like, the more I believe you deserve to be happy together, sooner rather than later."

He started to walk back to the trailer, and she let him, picking up the remains of the lunch, and following a few minutes later.

Derek went inside and left his phone charging, then sat in one of the chairs on the deck and did not say a word when Kathleen walked in to the trailer. It was not too long before she came out and handed him a cup of coffee, and leaned down and kissed his cheek.

"I have not said any of those things to hurt you, or make you feel guilty, or take her side. I have listened to what you have said, and reacted to how you have chosen to tell me what has happened. I'm not judging you, I'm not. I'm simply trying to find a way to help you deal with this situation."

"I know."

"I can only imagine there's still more to this, so let's finish it what we've started."

He tells her of Susan's death, the funeral, Thatcher slapping her, Meredith retaking the intern's exam and their ultimate distancing. "She always found time for her friends, but with me, she pushed me away, and didn't let me in, I began to feel like I wasn't important, that she didn't need or want me, that anyone else could do just as easily."

"Did you talk to her about it?"

"I did, I told her how I felt, how she was the love of my life, but I needed to know if she thought we had a chance together, because if she didn't, she should put me out of my misery," he continued talking about Cristina and Burke's wedding, "and she did. She ended our relationship in front of everyone at the church, and left for seventeen days."

"Now, I'd like to get my hands on Meredith and shake her. What is wrong with that girl, you told her she was the love your life, why couldn't she see that? Talk to you ? Oh, I'm so glad I don't have the two of you as patients."

"Instead you get to treat us for free."

"Don't count on it, and just so you know...I've had my say with you, but I'm going to talk to her as well."

"I do not want you upsetting her."

"I'm not going to upset her, but she needs to understand the importance of the two of you communicating."

"Kathleen, she gets it, the last two weeks, she totally gets it, and if I'm honest with myself, I could have tired harder to get her to talk. She's been the one talking now."

"That's fine, but I'm still going to talk to her."

"Do not upset her."

"She's stronger than you give her credit for. Now, the wedding was what five six months ago? What's happened since to get you to the night you called me?"

"I guess I should tell you that the night before the wedding, I met a girl at Joe's, and I told Meredith about it," he said finishing the story.

"You did what?" She yelled at him, and got up and smacked his arm, and across the head just like she'd done to her kids on occasion, "Derek Christopher Shepherd, that is the most ...I just...just.. cannot find the right words at this moment...how could you, Derek, how could you say that to her?"

"Stop hitting me."

"How the hell did you expect her to react to that love of my life speech, when you just told her flirting with another woman was the highlight of your week. Are you a totally stupid, brainless, moronic...ass?"

"You are just..."

"Shut up...I cannot believe you purposely misled me about that story. How could you Derek, how could you do that to her? Couldn't you find another way to tell her how you felt instead of trying to make her jealous?"

"I was not trying to make her jealous. I was trying to make a point."

"That worked real well, didn't it," she said, and smacked his arm again, "since she left without talking to you."

"Yeah, well..." he muttered, "it got worse."

"What did you just mumble?"

"It got worse."

"Worse, how?"

"The day she got back from vacation and started her residency, we found out the girl in the bar was her sister, and a new intern at Seattle Grace."

"Oh my God, forget a soap opera, this is Ripley's believe it or not!"

To both their amazement, they could not help but laugh.

"It isn't funny, Kathleen, not at all, but sometimes...most of the time, I have no idea what to do, but that moment, when Lexie said she was her sister, it was like the Twilight Zone."

"But, now they're getting along?"

"They've both come a long ways since that day, in fact, Meredith wants Lexie to be the baby's godmother, and that is huge for her, that it's not Cristina."

"Back up...you've just told me what happened in twelve months of your life, Derek, it's rather unbelievable, if didn't know you...I would not believe it."

"Think about how we feel?"

"She came back, Lexie is there, you have not seen each other...then what?"

"We talked, she wasn't ready for a more serious commitment, so we decided to just have sex, until it wasn't enough and I told her what I wanted."

"I'm catching on here, that must be the non –proposal."

"Kat, don't be a wise ass, it doesn't suit you."

"Of course it does...growing up with the four of you...and Mark."

"I decided I wanted more, and she wasn't ready."

"Tell me exactly what happened with that ..."

He told her about the morning she'd asked her to go away to wine country, and how their evening ended.

"Meredith's right, that was a non-proposal, it doesn't count, and Derek, adding that 'but' in there, big mistake...you honestly don't see why she has issues trusting you?"

"What about me? Doesn't she see why I have doubts that she loved me? She had not said that to me in over a year Kathleen."

"Did it ever occur to you that the fact you were married for part of that time might have something to do with it?"

"We were together for months, Kathleen, after Addie and I split up and got divorced."

"I understand her."

"Of course you do."

"Save the sarcasm Derek, you're lucky she's willing to give you a chance, I'd have made you kiss the ground I walk on...and grovel..."

"Lucky for me, Meredith is not you."

"Finish the rest of this saga."

He told her about the period after the non-proposal, dating other women, and Meredith's ultimate admittance she did not want him to date anyone but him.

"Was Meredith dating other men as well?"

"No."

"So she knew you were dating other people, and she was fine with that. She's a bigger woman than I am."

"I suppose, looking back, she wasn't fine with it."

"Of course she wasn't fine with it, you idiot, if she had been, she'd had been dating other men as well, how would you have felt about that?"

"I didn't think about it, because she wasn't."

"It's quite obvious you have not been thinking for quite some time."

"She would not make a commitment."

"Derek, do you honestly think that? She was sleeping with you, from the sounds of it, and from what Mark told me, yes I know about S & M...and the entire hospital knew about it, yet she had to endure you going out with other women, and don't you think she had made a commitment...in her heart?"

"Maybe I needed some reassurances as well."

"She gave you that Derek, when she told you she did not want you dating anyone but her, and admitted she was scared. From what you've said, that was a huge step for her."

"It was...except..."

"Except what?"

"I had already kissed a nurse, earlier that day, I had kissed Rose."

"You kissed a nurse. Meredith tells you, in essence, she wants a commitment, and you had kissed a nurse. Why?"

"It just happened."

She got up, stood over him and smacked him across the head, "you are an ass," she said and walked away toward the lake.

He brought his hand to his head, and rubbed the spot where she'd hit him twice today, and got up to follow her.

"I'm an ass," he said reaching her side, "how do I go about changing that."

"I don't know, but if I were Meredith, I would not give you the time of day."

"I've apologized to her, Kat, during the last two weeks, we hit rock bottom, we did, but we've managed to get through it...we have...now I need to know how ...what to do...to make sure we don't lose what we've accomplished...the relationship we have begun to nurture...very seriously, for the first time, and she's willing to give us another chance."

"What happened, after you kissed the nurse? Something did, because you've mentioned a fight, and the last two weeks are of importance."

He told her all the details form the night she came to him and the floor plans he presented to her the next day, and the rest of that horrible night when he went out with Rose, and finished telling her of the night he had reached out to call her and asked her to come to Seattle.

"I am completely exhausted emotionally. I cannot imagine what you and Meredith have felt, and what she has gone through, especially now being pregnant."

"I know I've behaved like an ass, and a coward and been dishonorable, I know those things. How do I make it up to her? How do I make sure she never feels the way she did the night I called you? How do I manage to change her image and yours of me? How do I become the man she can be proud of, our kids can be proud of, my sister can be proud of again?"

"There is one thing, I'm proud of ...you turned down the chief's position, it was the right thing to do."

"One thing," he said, sadness and regret in his voice.

"I'm not proud of some of your past behavior. But, there's much more. I'm proud of you today, the man I've had a conversation with...the brother, the surgeon, the man who could forgive Mark, the man I have seen the last two days with the woman he loves, the way you treat her, the way I see the love reflected in your eyes."

"Kathleen, what do I do? How do I keep her safe?"

"She is going to keep herself safe. But as for you, what you do? You've already started to...you called me, you talked to me...I know that was not easy, but it's the first step, Derek...the rest, it's you and Meredith together...you have to do this together, and it starts with communication, talking to each other, not letting things go, not avoiding issues that will later become unmanageable. It's already started, she's made the first attempt with therapy, you need to the same, and most of all you need to be honest with each other and trust one another in every way. You've been given a second chance Derek, some people never even get once chance at love like yours. Embrace that gift, and fight for it, nurture it, like you've never done before in your life."

She saw the emotion reflected in his eyes, and reached over to him and embraced him.

"I'm very proud to have you as my brother."

"Thank you," he said, his voice raw with emotion, "thank you for being here."

"Thank you for calling me and trusting me. I love you Derek."

"I love you Kathleen."

"Let's go" she said and linked her arms through his, "it's time you head back to Seattle so you can meet up with Meredith."

"It is, it's just after four, and I want to see her before her therapist's appointment. Do you want to come with me now, or I can meet you at the ferry afterwards?"

"No, drop me off at the Inn, I want to shower and change and then I'll take the ferry over and do some shopping, I can't get home empty handed."

"We'll plan on dinner around seven thirty – eight o'clock."

"That works," she said as they almost neared his trailer.

The rays of sunlight had lost their brightness as sunset announced its approach in the next hour to come, while Derek and Kathleen made plans, unaware of the recently missed call from Meredith.