(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Decisions

"Meredith, how you choose to handle your relationship is up to you. That does not mean I have to go along with your rose colored fantasy, and if being supportive means I have to pretend, then I guess you're right, I'll continue to be a bitch."

"This is not about Derek or my relationship with him, this is about you and me, and how you choose ...whether... you choose be supportive or not."

"I'm not going to lie to make up for his shortcomings and your emotional needs."

"I'm not asking you to lie... I'm asking you to keep the bitterness out of every comment you make..."

"You're asking me to ignore how he's screwed you over time after time...and then when it's time to pick up the pieces...be there and help you get home after a night of tequila shots at Joe's."

"If you'd care to notice... you have not found me running to Joe's, but dealing with my issues with Derek instead of avoiding them."

"As I said, he's track record is not..."

"Stop it Cristina, this is what I'm talking about. Lexie's right, you know, I can't let my past dictate my future."

"Oh, please... you couldn't stand the sight of her a month ago, and now she's your best friend and your listening to her advise."

"Do you see what I mean? Why do you do that? Why...every time... I try to find something positive...do you have to knock it down...that's not being a friend Cristina, that's being right down mean and...a bitch."

"Then I'm a bitch."

"No, damn it, you don't get to dismiss this like that...you were my friend, my person...my sister...long before I knew I had one...two in fact, and you don't get to say that... not unless you ...."

"Not unless what Meredith...if I can't be nice, and go along with your false sense of security... you don't want me around, that's fine."

"That's not what I was going to say...not unless you don't care enough about me to stick around and be there..."

"You certainly seem to be over your trust issues where Lexie's concerned."

"Cristina, it's not a matter of you or her..." she said softly, recognizing that Derek could be right, she might be a little jealous she now had to share her time, which was silly, but could be a small part of the problem.

"Of course it's not, that's not the issue."

"Are you sure? She asked me you know, if it was going to be a problem... that she didn't want to be cause for any problems between us."

"She certainly seems to be a fountain of wisdom isn't she?"

"You brought her to my home...I know you don't dislike her."

"Yeah, well, it was a moment of weakness."

"And I'm glad it was."

"What I think about him doesn't matter."

"You're right, but choosing to be there for me does."

"What do you want from me? To be nice and sweet and mushy ..."

"No, because that would not be you."

"Fine."

"Look, you may very well be right...and I may come to you...falling apart, if he does let me down again...and if he does...are you going to turn away?"

"Of course not."

"You know how I feel about him. You are the only person I have trusted to discuss my feelings. Cristina, just so we understand each other, you do not get to belittle me or what I feel for him, nor the relationship that is developing with Lexie. If you care about me, you would be supportive, not constantly trying to undermine their efforts and mine."

"So you already have doubts about his intentions."

"No, I don't. I know he wants to try to make this work as much as I do."

"How do you want me to act?"

"Can't you try to share the positive with me....the bright and shiny instead of the dark and twisty I'm so comfortable with?"

"Have you asked him, why he was such an ass?"

"We have spent days talking about things we never spoke of before...and we're slowly understanding each other...we have a very long way to go...but I believe we have a chance, and I can't let go Cristina, not when there's a chance we can be happy together."

"So, now what?"

"You tell me."

"I can try to keep sarcasm out of our conversations."

"Not all the time, I still need to recognize my person."

"I've told you before...Mer...leave the sarcasm to me, it doesn't suit you."

"And Lexie, you're not going to give her a hard time?"

"What's this... Xena 2?"

Meredith laughed, "there's the person I know..."

"It's quite scary Mer, you as this protective big sister."

"It is a bit scary...feels like a huge responsibility sometimes... but you know, she seems to care...and that's hard for me to accept, and I'm trying, because she's really not at fault for what happened over twenty years ago....and you know since she got here and pestered herself into my life...I hate to admit it, but I was wrong...it's been nice...it feels nice...she seems genuine...that she wants to know me, and I want to believe that she does care..."

"She's not bad...after the initial hatred of her...she's not bad."

"I didn't really hate her Cristina, just the idea of her..."

"She better not screw up...I'd still kick her ass if she does that, it's still my license we're talking about."

"I'd like for you to get along...my sisters should get along," she said a bit misty eyed, which did not go unnoticed.

"Mer, you do realize, McDreamy has turned you into a really mushy touchy feely person...?

"Yeah...he noticed too..."

"Really, he noticed you're a pile of tears and emotions...didn't think he had it in him."

"Well...he does...and it really was more like..." she paused, unwilling to share the intimacy of her conversations with Derek, especially his recent baby ponderings.

"What...?"

"He is being very sensitive and sweet and caring, and frankly I'm enjoying..."

"You are turning sentimental and soft...I was kind of kidding...but...this ...this is pathetic..."

Meredith laughed, "I'm feeling Cristina...I'm allowing myself to feel and not hide behind a wall of avoidance... I'm allowing my emotions to come through and dealing with what that means...because... if I don't... if I don't... I can't risk turning into my mother...alone and bitter...and never showing any interest or love...for anything other than surgery..." she took a deep breath, and continued while a tear escaped, "not even me..."

"I'm sorry, I know she was not supportive."

"Yeah...she wasn't...that's an understatement, a brilliant surgeon...but ...I can't be like her Cristina."

"You won't be."

"I hope not."

"Meredith, I'll try...with Derek...but be careful..."

"He loves me Cristina...I really believe he loves me."

"Have you told him? That you love him?"

"No."

"Aren't you going to?"

"Not yet."

"Why not... see Mer... if you're not telling him, it's because you have doubts."

"Of course I have doubts...but, it doesn't mean I don't love him, and he's fine...he's fine with waiting till I can trust him again."

"Just like he was fine waiting before asking that ..."

"Ok...did you just say that to be mean? I can't believe you, all this conversation... is just a waste of time..."

"What...what did I say?"

"You don't even realize it...you're a bitch and don't even recognize it," she said and started to get up.

"What the hell did I say?"

"You just have to plant the seed...and create doubt... that he wanted her and not me..."

"I did not say that."

"You certainly did...implied it."

"All I said was he didn't wait..."

"Yes... you don't think that's enough... that it hurts my feelings that you constantly remind me...he didn't wait..."

"Get a grip...I was just making a comment...and there's no reason for you to get so overly emotional about it...so irrational..."

"Do NOT... say that to me...if one more person says I'm irrational...I'm going to ..."

"Glad I'm not the only one," she muttered under her breath.

"I heard that... you and Derek and Lexie...and I'm perfectly rational."

"Not that I like to agree with anything he says...but...I think they're both right."

"Oh, you're ....you're...just...forget it..." she said and got up to walk away.

"Mer...does ...are we ok?"

"No...I should say no..."

"I'll see you later."

"Yeah, "she said and walked away. Irrational, she thought, she should show them irrational.

The afternoon hours passed quickly, and she was finally able to take twenty minutes for herself and went looking for Derek. She wanted to see him, needed for him just to hold her, she wanted desperately to be held in his arms, even if for a few minutes it would get her through the rest of the day.

"Grey," she looked away from the surgical board and met his gaze, "what's with I just lost my puppy look?"

"Dr. Sloan, I don't know what you're talking about."

"You can call me Mark...you know, and don't avoid the question."

"I'm not avoiding the question, just don't know what you mean," and looked at her watch and again at the board.

"What's wrong? I thought things were ok with you and Shep."

"They are."

"So, why the...oh..." he paused and laughed, "he's in surgery...and you were looking for him, and voila... the disappointment..."

She looked away, "you really do have a lot of free time...don't you?"

"Want to switch to plastics?"

"No."

"Come on Grey...you know you've secretly had the hots for me since the first day we met, before Shep punched me out...I know you'd have gone out with me."

She laughed, "you are so..."

"That's better, laughing...smiling suits you. Don't pout for too long, he's almost done with his surgery, I was just up in the gallery."

Her face it up with a smile, "that's good...I've got to go."

"Meredith..."

"Yes?"

"I really hope to lose the bet."

"What....what do you mean?"

"You and Shep, this time...I hope the two of you can work it out...however long it takes...I hope you can work it out...and that it's not going to be 23 days..."

She didn't say anything, couldn't say anything after his last comment.

"Close your mouth...you'll catch flies."

"Mark...thank you."

"Just remember...I expect to be best man..."

"I don't think that would have anything to do with me."

"Of course it does... I think Shep will make you and me sign a pledge we won't sleep together in ten years," he winked at her.

She could not believe him, that he'd make a comment like that, but it was Mark, and she couldn't help but laugh out loud.

Suddenly, she felt two arms wrap themselves around her, and the world felt right, as she leaned back in his embrace.

"What's so funny?" Derek asked holding her close and enjoying her scent.

"I told her, I expected to be best man at your wedding, and that I would promise I would not sleep with her in ten years."

"You are such an ass."

"Yeah, just wanted to make sure she didn't get any ideas."

Derek held her closer as she gently caressed his arms, and all three laughed.

"Do you have a few minutes," she asked.

"Of course, let's go to my office," he let her go, and held her hand as they started to walk away.

"See you guys later, and just remember to keep the noise down."

Meredith and Derek ignored him and walked to his office, and Derek locked the door.

"How was your day?"

"Long...tiring...and it's still not half way there..."

"Can I help?"

"You already are," she said as she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her face on his chest and sighed in contentment.

"You're very easy to please," he teased her as he caressed her back, and kissed the top of her head.

"I...I wanted...needed to see you..."

"What's wrong, are you ok," he asked with genuine concern.

"Yes...I just needed to hold you...well, to have you hold me...for a few minutes."
"I'm always here...whenever you need me..."

She snuggled closer in his embrace, "I'm going to miss you tonight."

"So will I...but maybe we can grab a bite to eat for dinner."

"I can't, I'm going to have to get a ride home and get my car, so I can't take time to do both."

"Why do you need your car?" he asked as he pulled back to look at her.

"You drove me here...I have to get home in the morning."

"That's right."

He leaned down to kiss her softly. She looked tired and there was a softness and vulnerability about her that had him convinced she was indeed pregnant, but he wasn't going to push it, not today.

"Derek, I spoke to Cristina."

"Is everything ok?"

"I think so, I told her how I felt about her attitude, always being so negative....and making me doubt..." she paused wishing she had not said that.

"She's making you doubt...are you having doubts about us..." he asked and she saw the sadness in his eyes.

"No...I am not," she stated firmly, and reached up to kiss him, softly at first, then deepened the kiss answering his question to great satisfaction, and then held on to him never wanting to let go.

"I have a better idea about the car...we can have dinner...and instead of picking up your car, I'll drive you home in the morning."

"Derek, you don't have to do that...my shift ends at seven, and there's no reason for you to get up early and be here to take me home."

"But you're wrong," he said as he brought his lips to hers, "I want to....I want to spend time with you at dinner...and see you in the morning...and drive you home."

"Derek, that's really not necessary..."

"It is...I want to take care of you...and you don't often let me, so...will you please let me?"

She answered him with a kiss, "I'll page you for an early dinner, so you can go home."

"I love you Meredith," he said and kissed her lightly, before he let her leave.