(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Trust and Forgiveness

The dark haired woman turned into the waiting arms of the man beside her.

"What's wrong?"

"It was Derek. I'm going to Seattle."

"That was a very short conversation."

"There wasn't any need for it to be longer."

"Baby brother calls, and big sister is on the next flight out," he joked, holding her tighter in his embrace.

"I have never heard him sound like this, not even when all hell broke loose with him and Addison. I don't like the way he sounded."

"Kathleen, what exactly did he say?"

"Only that he needs me and would I come?"

"Doesn't sound like Derek, something must be very wrong for him to ask for help."

"I know, and hearing him, his voice, he's at the breaking point. Honey, you're ok with me going, aren't you?"

"What if I said no," he teased her.

"You wouldn't."

"I would not. You have to go. I'll take care of things here."

"I love you."

"I love you too. Now, the hard part of this, what are you going to tell your mother and sisters?"

"I'm not going to say anything to them, not until I know what's going on."

"Honey, you realize Shepherd women can't keep secrets from each other."

"If they ask, I had an unexpected trip come up, no explanations, and don't tell them I'm going to Seattle."

"How long do you think you'll be gone?"

"Three days at most. I hope, whatever is going on, I can help just by being there."

"I'm sure that's why he called. Now, let's stop talking...and let me make up for the days you're going to be away," he said as he kissed her.

Derek disconnected the call with his sister, and saw he had a message and a missed called on the screen of his blackberry.

He panicked, it was a missed call from her house and immediately all thoughts became negative, thinking it was probably Lexie to tell him something was wrong. He pressed the key to hear the message, and with a broken sob, sent a silent prayer of thanks that it was her voice she heard.

He sat in one of the chairs that had remained behind and pressed the all familiar speed dial number.

Meredith lay back against the pillows, her hand resting on top of the tiny baby outfit she held against her heart. The ring of the cell phone made her reach out immediately and without even looking answered the call.

"Derek..."

"Yes."

"You...you....called me..."

"Of course I called you."

"I left you a message...but I wasn't sure you wanted to speak with me..."

"I was on the ferry," he cleared his throat, "it went to voice mail."

There was an uncomfortable moment of silence, before she spoke, making every effort to keep from crying, "Derek...I'm sorry...so sorry..."

"It's fine," he said, recognizing his clipped tone, but afraid he would lose control if he said much more.

"Oh...Derek," she whispered, "I'm so sorry...and I'm so ashamed..."

"Meredith it's ok, you were upset, I understand."

"You...you...understand..." she asked incredulously.

"I do, and I ...heard your message, and just wanted to make sure I returned the call."

"Oh..." she said, swallowing past the lump in her throat. There was so much she wanted to say, but his tone made her react much differently than what she felt in her heart,
"well...ok...thanks for that...it was very thoughtful for you to return my call tonight...I won't keep you...I just wanted to make sure you were home and I was able to offer my apologies ."

He heard the defeat in her voice, echoing his own, and knew he could not allow her to feel that way.

"Meredith, I'm sorry, I did not mean to sound so curt."

"It's fine, Derek...like you, I understand as well."

They were about to head down the same road of miscommunication they had taken earlier with disastrous results, and in spite of his need to maintain control while he spoke to her, he could not bear to hear the doubts reflected in her voice.

"Stop...stop right now...this, this is not how we should be talking with each other, please...we've had enough misunderstandings between us."

He heard her sniffling, and wished desperately he had somehow found the way to get through to her earlier, to have avoided the pain both were currently reliving, but likewise, he felt the feelings she expressed needed to be addressed, as well as his own.

"Derek," she whimpered, " please...forgive me..."

"It's ok..."

"No...no, it's not...I said hateful things, and I was mean, so mean, and that's not like me...I try not to be that way...and I would be angry with me too..."

"I'm not angry with you."

"You should be..."

"I'm not."

"Then...why...didn't you pick up my call..."

"First of all, it did go to voice mail, but I didn't even feel it vibrate...I was in no shape to answer."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not going to say this to hurt you, but, we...we can't continue to ignore what happened to you."

"When I drowned."

"When you chose not to swim."

"I'm not ignoring...I won't...you know...I already made an appointment with the therapist...I'm going to deal with all my issues...Derek...I told you I'd get ready, and I am..."

"I know, but tonight, Meredith, what you said tonight..." he paused, and was unable to continue, and she heard his broken sob.

"Derek, I didn't mean those things...I swear...I didn't..."

"But you said them, and we have to deal with that."

"I would do anything to take back everything I said...I would...because I know I hurt you...and for that I will always be sorry...I don't want to hurt you..."

"I'm not worried about me. I'm worried about you, what you're feeling...that you'd want to ....that you would say you'd want to join your Mother ...I can't.... I can't...see you like that again...'

"Derek...please, please..."she cried," I swear I don't feel like that.... I was angry...and irrational...yes, you're right, I'm admitting it totally irrational...but I didn't mean that , I don't..."

"But you said it, and we need to deal with it...you can't take it back, nor my reaction..."

"Will you...can ...Derek, can you forgive me..."

"You also said..." he paused, "you said if there's a baby, it would be none of my concern...are you going to keep me away...if you're...are you going to keep me away from our child then too..."

"Oh my God... you think that... " she sobbed, "no...oh Derek, no...how can you...I'm sorry...so sorry I ruined everything...today...today our beautiful morning ...and all the hope we shared...and I ruined everything...if you think that...then...I've really ruined everything..."

"I just need to understand...if you...still want me around...because, what you said...I have no idea...no idea what you meant or want."

"I did not mean those things...I swear...I need you, I need you so much, and tonight, Derek, it was supposed to be such a special night, and I know I ruined it, but please let me make it up to you....please don't give up on me...don't give up on us..."

"I'm not giving up...I just need to know...what you want, because...Meredith...I can't bear the thought of losing you... that you'd feel like you don't want to be with me...that it feels better to give up..."

"But you're not listening...Derek... believe me please....believe me...it was all my doubts and stupid fears and that woman...and I admit I was totally irrational...and I needed to listen to you...and I didn't..."

"We need to start communicating..."

"It's my fault I know... these stupid trust issues...it's my fault, and I promise ...I promise I won't let this happen again...and of course I want you...how could you think I don't... and if we have a baby...even if we ...even if we didn't stay together... Derek...I would never keep you away..."

"Would you like me to explain what happened?"

"No."

"Meredith, why won't you listen?"

"Derek, right now, I just don't want to listen to anything about her...please...and it just doesn't matter, because I trust that whatever you did...just as you said...was because you didn't want me to be hurt...you can tell me later...now, just know that it doesn't matter, I trust you."

"What do you say we start this conversation over again...?"

"How?"

"From Joe's...let's pretend you got called away...and we left off with my surprise..."

"Your surprise," she said softly, "I think you'd have liked it."

"You mean I don't get it anymore?"

"You will."

"Do you want to give me a hint?"

"It's a gift...I bought you a gift."

"So, the surprise is something you bought for me?"

"Yes and no."

"Yes... it's something you bought for me...but what else?"

"Yes... but ...oh, I almost fell for that... you have to wait...but Derek, I'm pretty sure you'll like what I bought."

"Derek..."

"Yes..."

"This was a good idea, starting the conversation over again".

"I think so..."

"Derek, are you going to forgive me?"

"Yes."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"I'll make it up to you...I will..."

"We had a busy day, I wish we could have done my lab work."

"How were you feeling today?"

"I was fine."

"Meredith?"

"No, I was, really I was."

"No more dizziness and cramping?"

"Not really."

"That means you weren't ok."

"No, that means, it wasn't bad."

"Tell me what you're feeling."

"I'm scared Derek..."

"Why?"

"Because I know...once we find out...when you ...when we know if there's a baby...I know that something may be wrong..."

"You're going to be ok...you both will...you'll just have to let me take care of you...both of you."

"I'm not sure...and Derek, I made a doctor's appointment...I did earlier today...and I though...maybe...you'll come with me..."

"Of course I would...when?"

"Next week, but I mean... when ...when we do labs we'll know for sure...and Derek...I think...it might be...I think we really may be having a baby," she said, desperately wanting to tell him it was true, but not on the phone, not after all that had happened tonight.

"You do..."

"I do."

"What made you change your mind?"

"Tonight...my whole reaction...and being emotional and irrational... and all my other symptoms...I think I probably am..."

He didn't say anything at first, and she prompted, "are you going to say something?"

"Meredith, would you be happy...if you are...or like earlier...when you said..."

"I'd be very happy...which is why I'm so scared...that I didn't listen to you...and ignored what's been happening with my body...and Derek...if there's something wrong...maybe if Id paid attention earlier, maybe things would be ok...but, I'm scared...because the symptoms Derek...they're not good...not for our baby..."

"Hey, let's just wait till we know for sure...don't worry about it now."

"Derek...will you forgive me...if something goes wrong..."

"Meredith, we're both doctors, we've both read the same information, and we both know that if something is wrong... it is not your fault."

"I know you say that now, but we've hurt each other so much...Derek, I couldn't bear it if...if anything is wrong...and you blamed me...because it will be bad enough that I will blame myself...for being so ...clueless...and not taking responsibilities for my actions."

"Listen to me, you have never been pregnant...for all we know, you aren't...so..."

"Derek...I really think I am."

"You really think you're pregnant..."

"Yes..."

"What makes you think that now?"

"Just a feeling," she said, knowing full well that she was, and he could hear her crying softly, unaware of the secret she had been ready to share when she'd joined him at Joe's.

When they had been unable to meet up during the day, she could no longer wait, and that was the reason she was late getting to Joe's, well, the second reason. She'd gone to get a pregnancy test and once she saw the results, had an overwhelming need to acknowledge the baby's existence. She wanted to tell him, but wanted to do something other than just blurt out that she was pregnant, and found herself driving to a nearby mall in search of a baby store, where she had found the perfect way to tell him.

"What aren't you telling me?"

"I've been dizzy a few times today..."

"So...you think that means you're pregnant."

"I think there's a pretty good chance...with everything else..."

"Ok."

"Derek, we just need to confirm it...my feeling, when we run the labs."

"Yes."

There was a long pause at his end, and then he blurted out a totally unexpected statement.

"I called Kathleen."

"Your sister?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't know what else to do...when I left your house, I didn't know what to do."

"What do you mean? Derek, you're scaring me."

"I was on the ferry, and all I could think about was the day I carried you out of the water, and I didn't know what to do...after what you said today, I was scared and ..." he paused, and she could hear his voice breaking. "How...how do I know...how...that you won't want to give up again...that like last time, I won't be enough for you...and now...with a baby...I'd be losing you both, and I can't Meredith...I can't lose you, and I don't know... I didn't know how to deal with losing you again..."

"Derek," she said, and it was evident both were deeply affected by the evening's event, the emotions they had experienced threatening to completely overwhelm them, making it impossible to function normally, but for him, for him it was worse. "You're not going to lose me...and you're right...we have to start trusting each other... we do...I will...I won't jump to conclusions like that anymore."

Unable to keep his emotions under control any longer, he voiced his fears out loud.
"How can I? How can I trust you, when at the first sign of doubt, you ran from me tonight, and then when I try to explain, rejected me, again?"

"Please....please, Derek...don't do this to me...please, not tonight...I love you Derek, I do...and I was...I was a horrible person... I was...and I was hurt and I wanted to hurt you too, and I will always regret it...but please...Derek...you have to believe me...you do...all I want is a chance for us to have that lifetime...for us to live that dream..."

Meredith and Derek had in essence been confronted with their greatest fear, though triggered by very different emotions and ranging in the spectrum of intensity, both had the same fear. The fear of losing each other, and being destined to a lifetime of regrets.

The silence was deafening, both could hear the raw painful emotion transmitted through the telephone lines, neither able to hide their feelings and tears any longer.

"Meredith," he finally spoke, "are you alright?"

"No."

"I'm going to come over."

"No, Derek, don't. You're tired, and upset, and I don't want you to drive."

"Don't you need me? Because I desperately need to see you right now."

"I do...I need you so much...I can drive there myself..."

"No...I don't want you driving...not as upset as you are."

"You see...we're both saying the same thing, and maybe we should just get some sleep, and it's really late and neither of us should be driving."

"You're probably right."

"Derek, I will always regret the things I said tonight."

"I regret I didn't stay, and maybe we could have had this conversation in person, and I would be there with you now."

"Maybe...Derek, maybe we should have some rules."

"Rules?"

"We never made them you know."

"I know. What kind of rules?"

"Can we start with one that says we won't ever walk away from an argument...until we make up?"

"I think we can do that."

"Derek, are you going to forgive me?"

"Yes, but Meredith, we still need to talk through many things...when you drowned...we need to talk about that again."

"We will."

"You'll be ok tonight?"

"Yes. Will you?"

"Yes."

"Ok."

"Good night Meredith."

"Good night, Derek," she said attempting to keep her disappointment to herself.

She turned, burying her face in the pillow, and cried softly, while whispering, "hey baby, your mommy made your daddy so sad tonight and she's so sorry...but she's sad right now too, because that's the first time in many nights he didn't tell me that he loves me."

A few minutes passed and her phone rang, this time she did look at the caller ID, "what's wrong?"

"I didn't tell you that I love you."