(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Prom Night

"Oh...Derek...you ...you can't do that..."

"Do what..."

"Deny me something I really want...and need..."

"How can you...how can you want me or need me, how can you need someone that has only made you miserable...and caused you pain..." he told her as he kept his head down, unable to make eye contact with her.

She pulled back slightly and placed her hand under his chin, lifting it softly, forcing him to be at eye level with her. "Listen to me...it's been tough...things have not been easy...but...still I'm here... we're here ...and I want to believe you... I want to believe you when you say you love me...and if you do..."

"You know I love you."

"Do you Derek? Do you love me...or is it that you feel you have to say it...that for some reason... maybe guilt, you have to tell me that. Maybe...maybe all this that's happened with ....with....her...is that you've realized you're not sure... and you want to walk away. It's ok...if you tell me now...that's what you want...I'll be fine..." she said barely loud enough to hear.

"I see," he said, "so if I tell you I don't really love you, and that you're right, that I do want to walk away, you'll be fine."

"Yes," she lied.

She was pushing all his buttons, because she needed his reassurance, and in some way also to reassure him she needed him, she hoped with her words, she was reassuring him. But, she what she wasn't expecting his answer.

"Ok, then. Meredith, you're right, I did want to walk away."

"Oh..." she gasped and he saw her moving away from him, "ok...it's ok...I said...I said I would be fine...if that's what you ... if that's what you wanted...it's ok... we're being honest. It's ok," she ended with a slight catch in her voice, and he noticed her hands resting unmoving, one on top of the other, and her gaze looking down.

"Meredith," he said as he placed his hand on top of hers. "I did want to walk away. Tonight, I wanted to walk away in shame, for the things I had said to you."

He saw the tears in her eyes, making them sparkle, and raised her hand to his lips and softly kissed it. "But, I don't feel the way you've said... I don't have to tell you I love you... I want to tell you...I've told you...many months ago, I told you ... and it's still the case... I've been in love with you forever."

"Then," she said meeting his gaze, both reflecting unshed tears, "if you love me, how can you be unworthy of touching me, when I'm here, asking you to? Telling you I want you to touch me and hold me...and that I need to know you want to be in my arms as much as I want to be in yours..."

Derek leaned in to her and softly kissed her lips, and then gathered her close to him in a gentle and loving embrace.

"So... you were going to be fine...if I walked away?"

She tensed slightly, "no, but I needed to know if that's what you wanted...and I was hoping you wouldn't waste too much time feeling unworthy...or that it would take me too long in getting you to admit you needed me too."

"So...I've been played by a master...getting me to admit..."

"No, you just needed a little push...to help you decide what you wanted," she teased, and opted to remind him how much fun being played by a master could be, and soon found herself stretched out on the coach with him on top of her.

"Meredith..." he said slightly out of breath, "where you're concerned, I don't really want to play the gentleman...but I will...cause...we ...we can't...unless you've changed your mind."

"Do you want me to change my mind," she murmured against his lips.

"Is there any doubt in your mind," he said as he continued to kiss her, stroke her and she could feel his erection pressing against her.

"No..." she moaned... "no doubts...at all..."

"Mer...Mer...we...we..." he murmured taking small breaths..."we need to stop...now."

She stopped abruptly, "oh Derek....I'm sorry...sorry... I didn't mean ...I want to... I do... but can...can...we...wait..."

"Yes," he kissed her lips lightly. "Yes. It's going to kill me...but...yes...I told you... I'd wait, till you're ready."

He sat up on the couch, pulling her to a sitting position as well.

She looked at him, a small smile on her face... "I... I ...won't make us wait...not long...just...right now...it's soon...so soon."

"It's ok."

"I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?"

"Drinking too much water lately...be right back."

He watched her walk away and went to the kitchen, bringing back two bowls of ice cream. She walked back and sat next to him, smiling at the unexpected gesture.
They'd both found a peaceful serenity in the simplicity of the moment.

"Do you think George and Lexie heard our commotion?"

"No, they're probably out, it was a tough day at the hospital today."

"I like your sister."

"Lexie's nice."

"Are we back to half-sister status?"

"Why would you say that?"

"Just the way you say things sometimes."

"She's been really good to me lately...I'm glad she's been there."

"I'm glad she's been there for you too. But, I am sorry, I'm the reason, you've
needed her."

Almost without realizing what she was doing, she dipped her spoon in his bowl.

"You're eating my ice cream?"

"I've become fond of it lately."

"Really...you weren't too fond of it last week."

"Well...let's just say I've needed comfort food the last few days..."

"And...coffee ice cream was comfort food," he teased.

"Tease all you want," she said as she dipped her spoon again, "it reminded me of you."

His heart warmed at that admission. They'd certainly been through a rollercoaster of emotions over the last several days.

"And...now...I'm here...what's the excuse now...?"

"It doesn't taste as bad as it used to."

"Uhmm... now...if I could only get you to appreciate The Clash."

"In your dreams Shepherd," she laughed, and he joined her as they enjoyed the lightness of the moment.

He gathered her in his arms and simply held her, as he caressed her hair and kiss her gently on her temple.

"You're right, you know."

"About what?"

"That we leave too many things unsaid...Meredith, I'm glad...so glad you're talking to me."

"I want us to be ok, Derek."

"I asked you earlier, what's going on with you and Cristina."

"I told you."

"You talked your way around it."

"Not really. I told you how I felt. But...it's also about her always finding every fault in you...don't get me wrong...you've been an ass... but I know I have some responsibilities too."

"You don't have to defend me Meredith...she's entitled to how she feels."

She reached out for his hand, their fingers intertwined. "She is...but...sometimes, you just want a little support...even if you know you're wrong."

"Am I part of that...the knowing that you're wrong...is being with me part of that?"

"No....no...she's just too harsh right now...some days...she's just a bit too harsh...and I don't think she's really pleased with my relationship with Lexie."

"She's probably jealous."

"Jealous...but why... she knows I'm her person... she's my person, that hasn't changed."

"But it could, and it would change your relationship."

"Derek, just because I'm building a relationship with my sister doesn't mean I'm going to forget Cristina. She knows that."

"I'm sure she does," he smiled at her reference to her sister. But, it's human nature, we don't always like to share our persons."

"I'll have to make sure she knows things aren't going to change...but...I can't...I can't really go back... now that Lexie..."

"You don't have to. There's room for both of them in your life."

They sat quietly again, and a few minutes later saw Lexie walking towards the kitchen, and stopped when she saw them on the couch.

"Oh...well...I didn't expect to see anyone here...thought you'd been sleeping for a while now....and well, just got up...for a midnight snack..."

"Definitely your sister," Derek whispered against her ear, and she giggled.

"Derek... stop making fun of my rambling."

"What, Xena has bionic ears as well," and all three laughed at his comment. Lexie went to the kitchen, and soon made her way back to her room.

"Good night guys. See you in the morning."

"Good night," both Meredith and Derek told her.

Neither wanted to move from the comfort found in each other's arms, but after a while, Derek decided to voice his thoughts out loud.

"I was so angry at you."

She shifted, but he would not let her move.

"The night... the night Doc got sick and I had to bring him in...and I saw you...at Finn's. I was so angry... so consumed with jealously...the thought that he had touched you, that you'd been in his arms...that he had made love to you."

She didn't know where the conversation was heading, but decided it was important to hear him out; they both needed to get things off their chest.

"But I hadn't been."

"I didn't know it then..." he took a deep breath, "when...when I walked in, and I saw you coming down the stairs...hair freshly washed and wearing one of his shirts...all I could feel was rage...that he had you... and I couldn't."

"You were with your wife Derek...you had moved on. I needed to move on as well."

"Yes, but my anger was just that...that you had moved on...I was being an ass, but I
resented the fact that you had moved on..."

"That's why you acted so horribly to me the next day...you thought I'd been with Finn."

"What else was I supposed to think... when I had seen you ...well...you already know."

"If you had let me talk to you...instead of yelling at me and dismissing me...you would have found out, not that it was any of your business at the time, that I had helped birth a horse....and that was the reason I had taken a shower there."

"You went on a date..." he laughed, "and helped birth a horse."

"It was actually an incredible experience."

"Were you falling in love with him?"

"I wanted to have someone...maybe...maybe I wanted to fall in love with him," she told him being brutally honest, "and I'm sorry if that hurts you...but I saw no hope for us anymore, and he was nice...and he had plans...that might have worked."

"Why didn't you sleep with him?"

"Because by that time...I wasn't interested in one-night stands...and I knew that it could be a more serious relationship...at least I knew that's what he wanted...but...it just wasn't right."

"So you just dated"

"Pretty much, and he was a nice guy...but....he wasn't you."

"That's the way I felt...when I was with Addison, when I went back to try to make things work...it couldn't work...because she wasn't you."

"Derek..." she whispered softly, as she gently squeezed their intertwined fingers "even if I had been with him...it would have been sex...just sex. Because, making love, well ... since I met you...I've only made love to you."

"Meredith...since I met you...from the first night...you're the only woman I've longed for...desired...ached for when I couldn't have you...and you're the only woman I've loved...you're the love of my life...and I hope I can be worthy of you, wanting...trusting me enough to say those words to me again one day."

She turned slowly to look at him, and brushed his lips with hers. "Thank you...thank you for tonight...for not leaving...for talking things through."

"You're welcome."

"It's really late, we should get to sleep."

"Do you...do you still want me to stay?"

"Do you?"

"Let's go to bed."

He got up and extended his hand to hers, and they walked to her room holding hands.

They laid in bed and he reached out for her, gathering her close both content to be in their favorite spooning position and holding each other's hands.

"You're still thinking..."

She giggled, "Izzie and Alex thought we should take advantage of them being gone, so we could be as loud as we want."

"George and Lexie are still here," he chuckled.

"They didn't care... only about Alex getting a good night's sleep."

Both laughed, and settled in to sleep.

"Derek..."

"Uhmm..."

"You're thinking too..."

He was quiet, deep in thought, and didn't answer right away.

"Derek..."

"It would have been my child...our baby..." he said quietly.

"What?"

He turned her around and they were now facing each other.

"The day of your surgery..."

"Oh..."

"Now...knowing this now...it would have been..."

"Yes...if I had been pregnant...it would have... it would have been your...our baby."

"Were you upset, when you thought you might be? " he asked, afraid to know her answer.

"It caught me by surprise, and there wasn't a lot time to think about it, before we found out it was appendicitis."

"Do you know...do you know...would you have been very upset, if you had been?

"I don't know. But, I have to be honest, I'm glad I wasn't. Because you'd have wanted to do the right thing, and the doubts would always be there that we were together because of a baby."

"If you had been pregnant, I agree, I would have wanted to do the right thing, but not because of a baby. But, because it's what I should have done to begin with – it would only have meant that you and I being together had always been meant to happen."

"Derek...that morning, the few minutes I thought I might be pregnant...it did made me realize it was you I wanted to be with. Never Finn, he was just a nice guy in my life."

"We didn't even discuss this...Meredith...this possibility that day..."

"We seem to be pretty good at avoiding talking about important things."

"Tonight was a good start."

"Derek...about that day...there's only one thing for sure."

"What's that," he asked as his hand reached out for hers.

"If I had been...if we'd found out...I was pregnant that day...there would be no doubt that baby was conceived on the most beautiful night of passion and desire..." she said as her eyes were brimming with tears, "and love Derek...because that night...that night...the night of prom...there was...all I gave ...all I offered... was love."

He made no attempt to hide his tears, "how do I make all of this up to you – all the pain I've caused you, how do you begin to forgive me when I don't know if I can forgive myself," he said with a half broken sob.

She reached over to him and lightly kissed him.

"Meredith, where do we go from here?"

"Like we've said ... one step at a time... and Derek, when I mentioned 100 fun...sexy steps... we were already on our way ...we're not starting at zero...maybe...." she hesitated and then teased... "maybe...we're already at 23..."

"You've been talking to Mark..."

"I've been hearing it everywhere," she laughed, "I'm thinking we should each place bets...and control the winning pot. What do you say, Dr. Shepherd...are you game?" she teased, attempting to lighten the burden she knew he would not easily let go.

"Meredith," he said with evident concern in his voice, "where would you say we really are...how many steps along the way?"

She leaned in to him, "at the right step," then brushed her lips to his, "the perfect step,"
then gently biting ... gently kissing him, "to take the next one...the next one towards our life together..." she whispered against his lips.