(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Reminders

Meredith was grateful the pit had been overflowing with patients, making the rest of the morning hours pass quickly and allowing her to put all sadness behind her, until close to one o'clock, when after taking a moment to visit the ladies room, she was faced with the inevitable reminder that brought all emotions to the surface.

"Mer," she heard Cristina call out to her, "I haven't seen you all day."

"I've been covering the pit," she said distracted and distant.

"Hey, are you ok?"

"Yeah...I'm fine."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No...really, I'm fine."

"Mer, you're not."

"It's ok Cristina," she said and her friend noticed the tears in her eyes.

"Mer, you can cry...and I told you...I'd be here."

Cristina's words were her undoing, "I...I didn't know this would be so hard," she said and looked away.

"Come on, take a break."

"I can't... I have..."

"Come on," she said and led her to an empty patient's room and they both sat on the newly made bed, and after a while Meredith finally spoke.

"Thank you, for making the effort with Derek it means a lot to me."

"He and I, we have an understanding."

"Oh yeah..." Meredith questioned.

"We called a truce...before...when he came to talk to me."

"Before I lost the baby."

"Yes."

"He's been wonderful Cristina...I could not have gotten through this without him."

"Yes, you could have...you would have..."

"Cristina, why do you do that? Why do you undermine him?"

"I'm not...Meredith, I meant, you are strong enough to have gotten through it, and we'd have helped you...all of us...you're the strongest person I know...an avoider...but still..."

"But don't you see...that is all fine...I know I have all of you, but Derek is who I needed...during that time, only him. Why it is you can't accept that he loves me, Cristina... you knew how much I loved him, how being apart from him...every night I spent away from him, I couldn't sleep...I had panic attacks...you knew I loved him...why didn't you support me...why didn't you tell me he wanted to take care of me...instead of telling him you were...as though I didn't need him, why Cristina, why knowing all the crap I've had in my life...when I told you that same day, that I had not changed anything ...after my experience when I drowned, why didn't you tell me to just be open to him, to tell him how I felt...to take a chance on loving him...instead of watching me wait weeks and weeks until it was almost too late?"

"He'd always let you down...I thought I was looking out for you...doing what was best, instead of having to pick up the pieces again."

"Was that such a burden...picking up the pieces...that just when I was falling apart you weren't there...you chose instead to see all that was wrong as I was desperately trying to make things work with Derek?"

"I didn't know...I didn't know you were pregnant."

"That had nothing to do with us getting back together Cristina, and don't you dare even suggest it."

"I'm not..."

"Yes, you did. We were together again, tumultuous as it was and were trying to find a way ...no, not trying, we were finding the way to make things work, and when there was no doubt in our minds we were committed to each other, to wanting a lifetime together, then we found out I was pregnant...I did not even suspect it...and then a few days after that, it was over.