(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Part of Us

The light banter continued, though Meredith was truly falling asleep on Derek's shoulder.

"Hey, sleeping beauty," he whispered, while stroking her arm.

"What," she asked slightly startled, "I was not asleep."

"That must have been someone else snoring," he teased her.

"I was not..."

"No, you were not. But, we should go, get to bed early."

"Ok," she said and smiled, with a hint of an apology.

"Soon," he said in her ear, "it's ok."

"Time to go, guys, Kat, I'll drop you off," Mark said.

"We'll do it, Mark, you and Tracy don't have to go out of your way."

"You sure, Shep?"

"Yes, Mark," Meredith answered as she followed Derek out of the booth. "Glad you could join us Tracy."

"I missed the toast, but luckily I didn't have to go back in."

"Well you got to hear it again...so it's just the same, the second toast around," Mark told her, and placed his hand on the small of her back to guide her out.

"Mark," Meredith said, "why don't you and Tracy..."

"Meredith," Derek interrupted, "I almost forgot to tell you...Kathleen's deep dark secret..."

"Derek..."

"Tell her Kat...she deserves to know already."

"Derek..." Meredith said getting annoyed with him.

"Grey," Mark walked over and hugged her, "stop giving Shep a hard time," he said and quietly whispered, "I told him, no matchmaking...stay out of it."

"Oh."

"Yes, oh..." he said and released her.

"Yang, Lexie, glad you could join us..." Derek said as they got ready to leave.

"Thanks... Derek," they said in unison.

"Good night Lexie, Cristina," he acknowledged, reaching for Meredith's hand.

"Ready?"

"Good night girls, I hope to see you again before I leave."

They got in the car, and Derek drove to the ferry to drop Kathleen off.

"I had a delightful evening Meredith, I am so glad we decided to spend it at Joe's."

"Kathleen, that was hardly worthy of an evening out for you, Derek, we need to go someplace nice tomorrow..."

"Meredith, I got to see where the legend began..."

"Legend, Kathleen?" she asked.

"Oh yes, that's the hospital rumor mill...the legend of Meredith and Derek."

"You are making that up," he laughed.

"Ask Tracy."

"She's pulling your leg."

"Not according to her...what is it you called them, the FAB4?"

"Oh my God," Meredith said, "how embarrassing."

"Embarrassed, you should be flattered...how often do you hear of legends?"

"She's right Meredith," Derek said reaching for her hand, and bringing it up to his lips for a kiss, "think of the stories we can tell our kids."

"Once upon a time...there was this couple, a legendary couple..." Kathleen teased.

"That met in a bar, where mommy got drunk over tequila...and took advantage of daddy."

Derek felt the slap on his head first, coming from behind him, "jerk," and then, from the side, slapping his arm, "ass."

"You two are vicious, stop, I'm driving."

"Brainless moron." Kathleen added.

"But you both love me anyway," he teased.

"Barely," Meredith added.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"I bet you I could make you change your mind," he teased her.

"I bet you could, but don't do it in front of me," Kathleen laughed, "Meredith, don't cut him any slack.

"I don't plan on it," she giggled, reaching over for his hand and gently squeezing it.

They reached the docks and Kathleen said, "Derek, I'm going to sleep in tomorrow, and then make my way over here, one of you call me, after you see he doctor."

She got out of the car, and opened Meredith's door, hugging her briefly. "I had a lovely time with you today. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow."

"I did too. Thank you."

Derek walked her over to the ferry, "I love you Kathleen, thanks for everything."

"Take care of her. Be sensitive."

"I will."

"Good night Derek," she said giving him a bear hug.

Meredith had closed her eyes, and Derek found her sleeping when he got back to the car and did not wake her on the way home.

"Hey," he whispered, "do you want me to carry you?"

"Uhmmm...why?"

"Cause you fell asleep on me again."

"Oh...sorry..."

"Walk...or carry you?"

"Don't be silly, of course I can walk," she said, and placed her hand in his as she got out of the car, and they walked up to her bedroom.

"Derek" she said the minute they walked in her room, and she pushed the door closed behind them, "I'm really tired, I don't know why, since I spent most of the day resting, but I am, and it's early, so if you want to watch TV or anything else, it's ok, cause I'll probably fall asleep anyway."

"Are you kicking me out of bed?" he teased.

"No, but you don't have to..."

"Stop talking and get into bed," he said and kissed her, "I'm going to take a shower, and join you."

"It's just, well, we talked about...tonight...and we can't...and I don't ..."

"Meredith, I can wait for sex..."

"It's just..."

He laughed, "but you can't?" he questioned, raising his eyebrow.

"Oh, don't be stupid."

"Get to bed, I'll join you shortly."

Her eyes were closed when he joined her in bed, and pulled her close to him.

"Good night, Meredith," he said softly, "good night baby..." he said as he placed his hand protectively on her abdomen, and smiled with a hint of sadness.


"Derek, I'm not asleep...

"Go to sleep then."

"You were mean to Kathleen," she said opening her eyes.

"Why?"

"Threatening ...no trying to bribe her..."

"She deserved it."

"She did not."

"You don't even know what it was."

"Yes, because, both of you were rude and didn't tell me."

"It's not a big deal, but my Mom would have made a huge deal out of it twenty years or so ago."

"She was living with her boyfriend before they got married..."

"Yes...but worse they were having sex!"

"Derek come on, your mother must have known."

"You don't know Mom. I mean, it's probably still likely if we go home, and we're not married yet..." he paused for effect, "she may give us separate rooms."

She was silent.

"Cat got your tongue?"

"You're kidding right?"

"Nope."

"I'm not, Derek... I'm not going to your mother's if she's going to think I' m a slutty whore and knows we're sleeping together and thinks it's wrong. Oh my god, she'll probably try to talk you out of being with me...or marrying me...and...she'll hate me...and will want you to meet someone else..."

He leaned over and captured her mouth, devouring her lips until she had nothing left to say.

"Uhmmm...you can shut me up like that anytime..."

"I plan on it...now go to sleep."

"It's early."

"You said you were tired."

"Not anymore."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Derek," she said, and she turned on her side to face him, and then gently caressed his face, "do you have any idea how very much I love you?"

"I think so...but...what's brought this on?"

"Today, when you stood up for me...to Cristina...nobody had ever done that...then tonight...when she walked in...you arranged that...you did that for me, even though I know how you feel about her...and that...that means a lot to me...more than I can tell you, because, Derek...when I had no one, she was there...she was my person."

"I know...and I needed to make sure she understood that all I want is for you to be happy."

"Thank you...for loving so much...for doing that...talking to her...having her join us."

"I can't think of a single thing I would not do for you...for you to be happy."

"I told her...I would not let her or anyone undermine what we have together."

"You did?"

"She told me you said something similar."

"I did."

"Derek..."

Meredith..."

"No matter what happens...tomorrow...."

"Yes," he said and kissed her.

"We're going to make it....you and I...for always..."

"Yes...we are..."

She reached for his hand and placed it on her abdomen, and closed her eyes, laying her hand on top of his.

"What are you thinking?"

"I'm praying."

"Want to share it with me?"

"For strength...and courage... tomorrow...."

"I'll be there..."

"I will too...just remember...I may want to run at first."

"You won't get far."

"I love you Derek."

"I love you Meredith."

Meredith was not feeling well. A couple of hours after going to bed, she began to feel the cramping of earlier days, and when she got up and went to the bathroom, there was spotting.

She made her way back to bed, careful no to wake Derek, but he heard the heavy sigh, and pulled her closer, spooning her, "hey, baby keeping you up again?"

Again he heard the heavy sigh, and turned her to face him and saw the tears in her eyes, "hey...what's wrong?"

She lowered her gaze and he saw the tears continue to fall. "Meredith, what's wrong, please, tell me."

"Derek...it's bad...." she said softly.

"What is?"

"I'm cramping...and just now...there's spotting..."

He knew this was a possibility, but was not ready for it to happen. "Meredith, Dr. Cameron said that could happen, after the ultrasound, that was a possibility," he soothed her, "maybe that's all it is."

"We know...we know...there could be something wrong..."

"Yes, there could...but, try to get some sleep, and we'll see what Dr. Cameron says tomorrow," he told her as he gathered her close and she rested her head on his chest, but neither got much sleep during the night.

Derek was up early and called the lab, asking to put a rush on her tests and was assured they would be completed by nine that morning.

They lay in bed, holding on to each other, afraid to speak the words that would change the course of their recent dreams forever. He kissed her softly, and she smiled reaching for his hand and placing it on her abdomen, and then released a broken sob.

"I loved our baby...Derek, from the moment I knew it was a possibility...I loved our baby," she cried, "please don't ever doubt that...I couldn't stand....I couldn't take it if you had doubts."

"I don't. Not for a single second."

"Are you...will you...will you still love me...I'm sorry...I don't want this to happen...Derek, " she whimpered, "I don't want there to be anything wrong with our baby..."

"I will always love you...no matter what happens...I will always love you, and we'll deal with whatever news we get...together...ok?"

"You won't be mad?"

"Of course I won't be mad...this is nobody's fault...let's wait and see Dr. Cameron...ok..." he said, and stroking the hair away from her face, gently caressed her and kissed away the tears beginning to fall.

They arrived at Dr. Cameron's office shortly after nine, and were able to see him immediately, both sitting in front of him, Derek holding her hand.

"Dr. Cameron, thank you for seeing us so quickly, Meredith was not feeling well last night, and I called the lab, asked for these results to be rushed, I didn't mean to interfere."

"Dr. Shepherd, that's not a problem, I would have done the same thing. Derek, Meredith, I don't know how else to say this...but I don't have good news."

"Oh," she gasped and immediately attempted to release her hand from his.

"What do the test results show," Derek asked, keeping an eye on her, as she had become completely rigid and silent.

"The HCG levels are slightly higher than the last tests, but they are very low, for this stage of the pregnancy, and the increase is almost insignificant, I'm sorry, I don't know how else to tell you, but there's a very strong likelihood...a certainty the pregnancy will result in a miscarriage."

Her hand tightened their hold, giving him the first indication she was listening.

"Is there anything we can do?"

"No. I'm sorry."

"But..."she said, almost inaudible, "yesterday...we heard the heartbeat...the baby...there was a heartbeat..."

"Yes, Meredith, but it was slow, I did not want to alarm you, as I wanted to wait till today, but I already knew there was some risk this would happen."

"Why didn't you tell me...I could have done something...maybe I could have stayed in bed, not gone out last night...rested...tried to ...done something...something that would have helped...that this would not have happened," she said unable to keep from crying.

"Meredith, there was nothing you could do. These things happen, and at this developmental stage, there is nothing to be done. I'm sorry."

"Is there any chance, this could all still be ok," Derek asked.

"Very unlikely. I'm sorry."

"What do we do now?"

"Meredith, I'm sorry, but it's very likely you will have a miscarriage over the next couple of days, it's hard to predict how long it will take, or how severe it can be, but, I need you to be aware of this, and the minute you experience any additional bleeding or cramping, come to see me."

"I see."

"Meredith," Dr. Cameron asked, "are you ok?"

"I'm fine."

"Meredith," Derek said, "maybe you should just stay home today, I'll stay with you."

"What for, there's nothing I can do, I would rather work."

"I don't think...."

"I'm fine Derek. I rather be here."

"Meredith," Dr. Cameron said, "Derek is right, you should go home, you're in no condition to deal with patients today."

"I said I was fine. I'll work."

"Meredith..."

"Derek, I'm fine," she said, and started to get up, but he held her arm down, and she relented.

"Dr. Cameron, what should she do?"

"It's ok if she works. There's nothing more to be done now, if this is going to happen, we won't be able to stop it."

"But, is it worse...will it be better if she's resting...when...when it eventually happens, is it better that she is resting, make it less traumatic? Physically...I mean."

"No, and there's no predicting how these things will happen, how long it will take, but I would say within the next forty eight hours at the latest."

"Can we go now?" she asked.

"Meredith, please call me, let me know, if there's any changes...I need to know, I'll need to see you."

"Yes."

"I'm sorry. I know this is not what you expected to hear. I wish the news had been different. Meredith, this happens, you know that, you're a doctor, you know it's not uncommon with a first pregnancy, and then you go on to have other healthy pregnancies and babies."

"Sure," she said and got up, and as did Derek, placing his arm around her, holding her hand.

"Thank you, Dr. Cameron."

"Now is not the time, I know. But, Meredith, I will want to talk to you about this, at length, and your future options."

"Yes."

"Derek," he said and extended his hand to his colleague, "I'm sorry," he said, and Derek just nodded.

He felt her rigidness, her walls of avoidance slowly erected as the walk out of the doctor's office.

"Let's go to my office," he said, pulling her along.

"I...I've got to work."

"You are not scheduled to work, so it can wait," he said firmly.

"I don't want to talk...don't you get it...I need not to talk..." she said harsher than she intended.

"Well, that may be what you want, or what you need, but you are not in this alone," he said, and regretted his tone, but would not let her walk away, and upon reaching his office closed the door behind him.

"Derek," she turned to him, "don't you get it...I don't want to do this...I don't want to deal with this...I want to get on with my day...and not deal with this..."

"I don't want to deal with this either, and I could just walk away..." he challenged, "if that's what you want, fine, than you've got it, I'll let you walk away and deal with it on your own," he said, intentionally angry, hoping to elicit her true feelings, and he hated what he was doing, but could not let her walk away without dealing with them, so he pushed. "Is that what you want, Meredith, is it?"

She lowered her gaze, and he saw the trembling first, her body trembling, and she began to have difficulty breathing...and reached out to him...reached for his hand...as she began to feel lightheaded, and he held her hand, and it became her lifeline.

"I can't....I can't....Derek..." she gasped for air, "I can't deal with this....please...I can't breathe..." she said, and he grabbed her and carried her to the small sofa, and cradled her in his arms.

"You can...you can do this...just breathe for me... Meredith...just breathe..." he said, as she took big gulps of air... "gently....breathe...just breathe...." he said, and soothed her while holding her... "you're going to be fine...you are...shhh...just breathe..." he kept murmuring tenderly until she calmed down.

"I'm sorry..." she said, "I'm sorry...".

"Is this what your other panic attacks have been like?"

"Similar..."

"Meredith, you don't have to do this alone...I can't let you push me away."

"I don't want you to..."

"But you are trying to..."

"I warned you..."

"Yes, you did, and that is why I'm pushing you...but, I'm sorry...I should find some other way...not forcing you into a panic attack."

"It wasn't you...it's ...it's all of this...I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for...we are going to deal with this together...ok..."

"Ok."

"Now, do you really feel you want to work?"

"Yes...Derek...please," she said, becoming agitated again, "please, I can't just sit at home...waiting...waiting...oh God..." she cried into his shoulder, "just waiting..." she said between sobs, "to lose...lose our baby."

"Shh...it's ok...Meredith...I'm here..."

"Derek...it's over...isn't it...there's no hope...no hope at all," she said with despair in her eyes, he wanted desperately to answer her, and say that there was still hope.

"I don't think so," he said, "I'm sorry...so sorry."

"Me too...so sorry," she said, and they held on to each other as she cried.

Derek's beeper went off, and he ignored it, but then it went off again with a 911, "damn it, don't they know I'm not working."

"Who...what is it?"

"The Chief, 911."

"You have to answer it."

"You're more important."

"Derek...you have to."

He knew she was right, and dialed him, "Chief, what's so urgent, I'm not working," he said and listened, "absolutely not, I'm off today, I have an emergency of my own. No, Richard, I cannot. Fire me if you have to."

"Derek!" she said.

"I'm in my office. Fine."

"Derek, you can't do that...you can't say that...what does he want?"

"He wants me to scrub in, I'm not leaving you."

"Derek," she said, gently pushing back and running her fingers through his hair, "you have to listen to him. I'm fine."

"How can you say that, you are not fine."

"But there's nothing you or I can do..."

"I can be here...I can be with you..." he stopped as he heard the knock on the door.

"Come in," he bellowed.

"Shep," Richard started, and stopped, seeing Meredith cradled on Derek's lap.

"Derek Shepherd, I page you with an emergency, and you have the unmitigated gall to refuse to scrub in on a surgery, and I find you here with your ...your..."

"The woman I love...and we are dealing with an emergency of our own," he said in a raised voice.

"What the hell kind of emergency is that?" he pointed angrily to them on the couch.

"Derek..." she said, as she shifted and sat on the couch beside him.

"It's none of your business, the fact that I am asking for the time off should be enough."

"Well, it isn't. We have an emergency, and you're the best neurosurgeon I have, and I expect you to do your job."

"Tough, I told you fire me. Meredith and I..."

"You foolish pup, you can't speak to me that way, I may just take you up on that, and get your ass kicked all the way back to..."

"Chief," Meredith spoke, "Derek, listen to him...I'm fine, and he needs you to do something."

"I already told you..."

"Please..."

"What in the hell is going on Shep, Grey speak up."

"Meredith...you don't have to."

"I'm pregnant, and Dr. Cameron just told us I'm likely to have a miscarriage within forty-eight hours."

"Meredith...I'm so sorry...I'm...I had no idea."

"We haven't told too many people, we just found out a couple of days ago."

"Shep...I'm sorry, I....but, this...this is an emergency."

"I need to be with Meredith...I need to be here."

"Shep, it's a four year old child, the daughter of one of our board members...they asked for you, they want the best, she needs surgery immediately or her chances of survival..."

"I can't...Richard... I can't... this is, it's Meredith and my child...our child...I can't, I don't have the right frame of mind...I'm about to lose my own child, I need to be here...I need to be with her...with them..."

"Derek, I understand...but, this little girl...she's alive...but she won't be for long, you're the best chance she's got..."

"Derek," Meredith said softly, getting up and reaching his side she slid her arms around his waist and looked in to his eyes, "do this...for me..."

"How...how can you ask me...I don't now how long this surgery will last...I need to be there for you..."

Richard cleared his throat, "I'll be outside."

"You are...you will be... but Derek, it's a little girl, she's four," she said quietly. "Our baby...Derek," she said and tears fell, "baby bear...doesn't have a chance...but this little girl does...think how we would feel...if we had a little girl that needed the best surgeon, and we couldn't have him...do it for me...and in memory of our little one...do it for our baby..." she said, cupping his face in her hands, "please."