(Shattered...) Dreams Fulfilled

Always, Forever

Derek held her close throughout the night, attempting unsuccessfully to sleep, his heart breaking each time he heard her whimper. Her emotional pain was evident even after sleep had claimed her just a few hours before.

Meredith stirred, unaware he was awake, and tried to slip out of bed without waking him as she gently lifted the arm around her waist.

"What's wrong?" she heard him ask.

"I didn't mean to wake you...I was getting up to go to the bathroom."

"You didn't wake me," he said before he could stop himself, and she turned around to face him.

"You haven't slept," she said softly, as she brought her hand to his face and caressed him.

"I have...I was just awake now," he lied.

"You're not a good liar...I'm sorry if I've kept you up," she told him.

"Are you ok?"

"I think so," she said and averted her gaze.

"Hey... look at me."

"Not now...please..." she said, not wanting him to continue seeing her cry.

"Meredith...we're doing this together..." he said, as he slowly lifted her chin and their eyes locked.

"I just...just feel like crying..."

"I've felt that too," he told her honestly, and reached for her hand and entwined their fingers.

"You've been crying, I can see it in your eyes," she said, and he did not deny it.

"Do you think it's normal...Derek...this sadness that has settled inside of me."

"Yeah...I do..." he said.

"You're feeling it too, aren't you?"

"I think so," he said quietly and felt her arms around him, holding him close.

"I love you," she cried softly, "I don't know what I would have done without you."

"As long...as long as you let me...or want me...you'll never have to find out," he said, and she heard the mixed emotions and doubts in his voice.

"Derek..." she said, pulling back to look at him, and knew it was time to comfort him.

"Yes..."

"I need to get up...but, I'll be right back...ok..." she asked with obvious concern.

She started to rise, and he quickly followed helping her up and walking with her, his arm around her waist to the bathroom. "Do you want me to fix you something to eat, you haven't had anything."

"Did you eat?"

"No."

"I'm not hungry, but why don't you fix us both some hot chocolate," she told him, only because she knew he hadn't had anything either, and it would be the only way he would drink it.

"I can do that," he said and went toward the small kitchen area, where he was standing when she walked up to him and put her arms around him, resting her head on his back.

"You haven't slept...why don't you go lie down, and I'll bring us the chocolate," she said.

He turned around and smiled softly at her, "not sure I want to risk burning down the trailer at four in the morning," he teased her, "besides, I'm supposed to be taking care of you."

"We're going to take care of each other," she said as she wrapped her arms around him, and let him comfort her, "and...I can certainly heat milk and chocolate."

"You can...can you," he said, bringing a slight smile to their faces in the midst of their pain.
"Well...I know I have to watch that the milk doesn't boil over...that can be quite messy," she said, in the spirit of lifting the heavy cloud of sadness around them.

"You just need to worry about being ok, it will take several days, but that's all you need to do for now."

"Derek..." she said softly, and he heard the hesitation.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing...just that you said something...and...I'm not sure, well, I may know...but I'm not sure what you meant."

"What did I say?"

"That as long as I let you or want you...Derek..." she asked, her eyes filling with tears, "has this changed things...have you changed your mind...I could hear it...the doubt in your voice... what you said...does that mean you've changed your mind...that you're thinking I don't want...or need you...Derek," she said barely above a whisper... "are the doubts I heard...what you're feeling now...do you...do you want to walk away..." she said, a quiet sob escaping her lips, and avoiding his eyes.

"What...why would you think that...I...no...Meredith, no..." he said and cradled her face in his hands, "I'm sorry...I did...I did sound doubtful...but not because I've changed my mind...but because I'm afraid you'll change yours...that now, without, without...our baby...you may want to change your mind...about us...our future."

Her tears flowed freely, down her cheek, "that...that would mean...that it was only the baby keeping us together...Derek...it wasn't...not for me..."

"I have loved you forever...that has never changed...no matter how many stupid things I may have done or said..." he paused, holding back his emotions, "I have always loved you...and if you let me...I will love you for the rest of our lives."

"I...I'm...I'm just afraid...I can't lose you...Derek...I can't lose you too," she said, and her eyes reflected all the doubts and all the love she felt.

"Don't ever doubt that how much I love you...you can't lose me...you are stuck with me...forever..."

"Do you...you really want to be stuck with me...dark and twisty ...and now...I know you say I haven't failed you...but what ...what if...I can't give you a family..." she cried softly.

He leaned in and kissed her softly, "listen to me...you...you are all I need...no matter what our future holds...without you my life will be empty...anything else...if we have children...that will be up to you...and fate will have its say, but Meredith, if I have you...that is all I'll ever need to feel complete."

"I've...I've never been enough for anybody...Derek...I have never been enough."

"You are enough for me...remember that...for always...you and me...that's all I need...but," he said, his own doubts surfacing, "will it be...will I be enough for you?"

"You are...you are enough...I never even thought about a family...until you...you made me wish for things I never allowed myself to feel...and I want so much to give you a family...babies...but now, I'm scared, Derek...so scared...and I don't know...I don't know how I will feel...and you say this now...but, later...I'm afraid I may not be enough..."

"Meredith," he said, and not knowing how else to convince her, how else to show her he meant what he said, hesitant and doubtful about how to prove to her she was enough, he lowered his head slightly and brushed her lips, then deepened the kiss transmitting every emotion kept under control, with every fiber of his being showing her that their love, their need for each other would be enough.

"Derek," she said softly, "I want to be enough...I do..." and wiping the tears away from his face continued, "and you...you will always be enough for me."

Wrapping his arms tighter around her, he said, "We're going to be ok..."

"We are...I promise you...but, right now...right now...my emotions...my doubts...they are all over the place."

"I can deal with that...as you can see, I'm a little insecure myself."

"We're going to be fine...Derek...we are...we are going to be fine...together."

"Fine," he questioned, and smiled at her.

"Yes...fine...not Meredith fine...but Meredith and Derek fine."

"A new definition..."

"Yes..."

"Would you like to share it with me," he said, while he gently brushed back the hair from her face.

"Our fine...it's so many things... it's us...committed to working through whatever life throws at us...together...it's either one of us not running away or avoiding, Meredith & Derek fine...is you and me...together...and that makes everything in the world...just fine...and fabulous and wonderful...because...Derek...if we're together...we can't go wrong...not again," she stated with such conviction there was no room for doubts.

"We are going to be fine...in that case...we are always going to be just fine," he said, and she responded by kissing him softly and embracing him.

"Derek...I kind of need to lie down," she said, "I'm sorry."

"What's wrong...are you feeling all right, we should call Dr. Cameron" he said and started to lift her to carry her to bed.

"No, there's nothing wrong...I'm just really exhausted...you know...it's tiring..."

"Of course," he said, "let's go..."

"Derek, take the chocolate off the stove."

"I guess I would never live that down...would I?"

"Probably not," she said, and slipped her hand in his, as he turned off the stove.

He helped her to the bed, and she was sitting against the pillows when he came back with two mugs, and sat on the side of the bed facing her.

"Meredith, I know, this is not what you want to talk about, but...we need to, Dr. Cameron, he said, it was important, very important that he examine you."

"I know...but...I'm sure, I'm sure he won't need to see me, not today."

"Meredith...there could be complications, we should go in...have him examine you, he needs to make sure...that...that..."

She reached for his hand and held it, "I know...Derek," she said softly, sadness filling her and tears gathering in her eyes, "I know...there's no mistake...it's over...it really is...unfortunately...I know..." she said and squeezed his hand, "he...later...later he can do another ultrasound...and he'll see...it's done...the miscarriage was complete."

He fully understood her meaning, and it broke down all his resolve to be strong for her, and reaching for her gathered her close in his arms, and this time, it was his sobs that were heard in the confined space of the trailer, as the rain again made its presence with the hard pounding on the roof of the place they'd fallen in love, the place where dreams had been meant to come true.

She held him close to her, running her fingers through his hair and kissing the top of his head, this time attempting to be strong for him without breaking down herself.

Minutes later, she heard him take a deep breath, and snuggling his head in her neck whispered, "I'm so sorry...so sorry...I'm supposed to be strong...for you."

"We don't need to be strong," she said, continuing to stroke his hair, "all we need is to be there...for each other," and gently and soothingly caressing his back.

"I do..." he said, and lifted his head to look at her, "I'm supposed to be strong for you...to help you through this...not break down like this....like...like..." he paused taking a deep broken breath.

"You have been my strength...you held me ...as we waited...for hours you held me...and you were my strength and my comfort, and now..." she looked deep into his eyes, "now...all I see...all I hear, is the man I love...grieving for the baby we lost...for the baby we loved..." she stopped and composed herself, "the baby you loved...even before I did..."

"Oh...Meredith...how...how can say that...you loved our baby...as long as I did...and how...how can you be so strong...when my heart is shattering each time...I think of you...your pain..."

"I'm not...I'm not," she cried softly, "I'm not strong at all...inside...I've fallen apart...but now...I have to be there for you..."

"I thought you said we didn't have to be strong..."

"I'm not strong...I'm only trying to do what I'm just learning...to love you...to show you my love."

"I love you Meredith...and I did love our baby so much too..."

"I know you did..." she said, while gently stroking his face, "Papa bear..." she said half smiling at him, while at the same time sadness overwhelmed her, "our baby was the luckiest little one...our baby had the best daddy of all," she said and brushed his lips softly with hers, and each tasted the other's tears, and then she placed his head to rest on her breast and held him close, wrapping an arm around him, whispering tender words and hoping he would fall asleep as her eyes began to close and she gave in to her emotional exhaustion.

Several hours later, Meredith woke to an empty bed, the rays of sunshine filtering through the window, when she suddenly heard his voice outside, and finding a robe of Derek's made her way to the front door, and heard only part of his conversation, before making her presence known.

"Miranda, thanks, I appreciate that, and I'll let her know. No, I have no intention of going to the hospital until she is well, I'll see if she'll agree to come see Dr. Cameron today.
Yes, I will do a follow up visit with her...a week from now, that's the best I can do, I performed surgery when I should have been with Meredith...that is the best I can do."

"Derek, who was on the phone?" she asked standing at the door.

"Meredith, what are you doing out of bed?"

"What are you doing up so early?"

"I woke up," he said, reaching her side and kissing her softly, "and I wanted to let you sleep, but needed to call Miranda, let her know you won't be in for a few days."

"That's good..." she said, "what time is it?"

"It's almost seven ...and what...no argument?"

"I know I'll need a few days....before I go back to work," she said as she let him lead her to the kitchen table and she sat down.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'll be fine..."

"Meredith..."

"Meredith fine...there's still a bit of discomfort...but...not too bad..."

"Will you eat some breakfast?"

"I'm not really hungry Derek."

"You have to eat, your body needs nourishment, I'll fix us breakfast."

"I'll eat...while you cook breakfast, I'm going to take a shower," she said, not wanting to cause him any more worries about her health, and wanting to make sure he ate.

He cooked eggs for breakfast, and they ate in silence, though several times one or the other would reach for the other's hand, and offer a gentle comforting touch.

"I want to lie down," she said after they finished breakfast, "will you join me?"

"Of course I will...but I'm going to take a quick shower first as well," he said as he walked with his arm around her to the bed.

Just as Derek walked in the bathroom, his cell phone vibrated and she picked it up, and saw it was Kathleen, but she was not ready to speak with anyone yet. She lay on her side and before she realized it had closed her eyes, and shortly thereafter he joined her in bed, gathering her close to his body and wrapped his arm around her, gently caressing her abdomen.

She stirred when she felt his embrace and placed her hand on his and slowly lifted it away from her belly, away from where she had nurtured their baby for such a small period of time.

"What's wrong," he asked.

"Baby...baby's no longer there," she said softly, and he didn't see the tears fall, but felt her emotions.

"You're crying...."

"Yes...."

"The baby is not there, but you're still hurting."

"Yes."

"Then let me offer all I can...a little bit of comfort..."

"You've given me much more than that," she said and brought his hand to her stomach again, and placed her hand on top of his, "I love you Derek."

"I love you too, Meredith."

They lay in silence before she finally spoke "Derek, Kathleen called while you were in the shower."

"You spoke to her?"

"No, I'm not ready, but why don't you call her back."

"I'll call her later."

"You should call her now."

"It can wait."

"Call her," she insisted.

He did. "Kathleen, I saw you called."

"How is Meredith, is everything ok?"

"She...she lost the baby...last night."

"Derek...I'm sorry, so sorry... please tell her and tell her I want to see her Derek."

"I don't think she's ready."

"Will you ask her, I think it could be important, she needs someone to talk to."

"I'm here," he said a bit defensively.

"I know...but sometimes, Derek...it's good to have a woman to talk to."

"I'll ask her," he said, and looked at Meredith, as he knew she was close enough to hear Kathleen.

Meredith surprised him, when she said quietly, "tell her...we'll call her...maybe later...she can come."

He repeated what she said and before he disconnected, said, "yes, I"ll call you, yes...that could be fine."

"What's fine?"

"She said Mark could drive her here."

"Derek...I'm not...maybe Kathleen...but Mark..." she said, while tears formed, "our baby's godfather...I'm not ready for that."

"It's ok...I'll talk to her...we'll figure it out," now, why don't you try...we can both try to get some sleep."

"We can do that..." she said, and closed her eyes.

"Meredith..."

"Yes...."

"If you want to talk...I'm here...I don't need to sleep, you can talk...you can wake me..."

"I know...you too...you can wake me too.

"We're going to be fine....you now..."

"We are," she said, gently squeezing his hand, "our fine..."

"I love you, he said, and "she whispered, "me too," and they began to fall asleep.

"Derek, are you sleeping?"

"No...and why aren't you, you need to rest."

"Do you remember when we spoke about our baby's soul..."

"I do...."

"Do you think ...since our baby was so little....do you think baby souls would recognize...''

"Recognize what..."

"My mother...his grandmother..."

"I think that could be possible," he said, gauging her mood.

"I hope so....Derek....I do...I hope...I want to believe our baby's soul is in heaven...and even though my mom didn't really want me...that now...if she heard me...she'd recognize our baby...because...he or she...was a part of me."

He was overcome with emotion that she was thinking of this, and wasn't able to speak.

"Derek," she said softly while caressing his hand, "do you think it's possible...that our baby's soul is in heaven... I hope our baby is not alone..."

"I think," he said, emotion evident in his voice, "I think both his grandparents recognized our baby...and will love our baby bear just as much as we did..."

"You do...both his grandparents..." she said.

"Yes..."

"Your dad...."

"Yes...I hope you are right...and both your mom and my dad recognized and love our baby...just as we would if we'd been able to have him...or her with us."

They settled into their embrace and finally fell asleep as an inexplicable sense of calmness and healing filled their own souls, as gentle whispers from afar rejoiced at the meeting of three souls, each recognizing the other and understanding the everlasting love shared by the two people that now brought them together for eternity.