The sounds of voices screaming and yelling fill the small apartment in which I live. Angry, harsh words are thrown around. They hold insults and comebacks that cut me to the core, shattering my heart with every syllable that falls from his lips. I can’t take it anymore. I storm out of the kitchen and into the living room, pacing the room.
“You’re being ridiculous!” He yells. I shake my head at him, a dry laugh bubbling in my throat.
“Stop.” I whisper. It silences him and our eyes connect causing butterflies to explode in my stomach. Even after three years I still love his eyes but there’s no denying the pain that swims in them. I caused that. We caused that. He crosses the room, his hand wrapping around my wrist but I pull it out of his grasp. “Y/N?” He asks his voice softer than before. I shake my head again and take a step away from him. “Sweetheart?” I run a hand through my hair and push back the tears.
“I think I’m done.” I tell him. He opens his mouth to speak but I cut him off. “No, Cal, I’m not doing this anymore.”
“You’re not doing what anymore?” The brown eyed boy asks.
“This!” I exclaim, my hand gesturing between us. “I don’t even know what we’re fighting about for god’s sake. I’m… this is exhausting. I’m exhausted. I’m not going to stand here and argue with you over the smallest of things. I can’t.” I tell him, tears freely sliding down my cheeks. “I… Just.” I stare up at him with a wounded look. “Look at us.”
A defeated sigh falls from his lips and he falls onto the couch, his head in his hands. I swallow the sobs building and tug on the hem of my shirt. After a few minutes of deafening silence, Calum looks up at me and the sobs I was holding back escape.
“Baby.” He sighs sympathetically as he stands up. I back towards the door, my hand on the doorknob. His eyes dart from my face to my hand and he shakes his head. “Don’t do this.”
“I don’t know what else to do!” I half sob half yell. My tears slide off my face, hitting the tiled floor silently. Silence falls over us again as we stare at each other.
“I’m willing to work through it?” he offers.
I shake my head. “We’ve tried. This isn’t the first time this has happened.” Was I willing to walk away from this? Calum looks like he’s having an internal debate with himself. After five minutes he closes his eyes.
I feel my heart plummet to my stomach. Nothing would’ve made this easier. He opens his eyes. “If you walk out that door, there’s no going back.”
Our eyes stay locked the entire time I twist the doorknob and open the door, revealing the empty corridor of our apartment building.
“I’m sorry.” I tell him as I turn around and walk out the door, shutting it behind me without a glance backwards.
The answer was yes, I was willing to walk away from a boy who loved me.
Fuzzy, faint voices swim around me. It’s like I’m listening to a static radio and turning the dial too fast, barely catching snippets of the conversation happening around me. I try to open my eyes but nothing happens. I can feel a dull ache in the back of my head and I try to move my hand to feel for the source of pain but I’m unable to move.
“When will she wake up?” A voice asks. It’s familiar and I try to hold onto it to pull me out of the black hole swallowing me but the effort is futile and I sink in deeper. Someone else says something I don’t understand and I want to bang my head against whatever I’m laying on. Or scream. Or something. More talking. The familiar voice comes back and it echoes in my ear, thumping against my brain and causing my head to hurt more. Something warm latches onto my hand and squeezes.
“Squeeze my hand if you can hear me baby.” The familiar voice whispers. “I’m begging you Y/N. You have to wake up.” The static sound gets louder, washing the voice out and I scream loudly. No sound comes past my lips. The static fades. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so, sorry. Please come back to me baby. Please.”
Calum? Is it Calum talking? I hear something beep loudly and try to turn my head to the side. Come on damn it, move. Calum! I want to scream his name and tell him I’m sorry for being stupid and walking out the door.
“You know how badly I hate hospitals.” The boy huffs. The voice in my head laughs at him. “They said the driver that hit you fell asleep at the wheel.” He continues to speak, choking over his words. “You weren’t even a street away from the house.”
The beeping sound in my ear starts to slow down and the dark hole starts to close up. No. No. No! I can’t go. Not yet.
“Y/N?!” Calum’s voice is frantic as the beeps slow even more. No. With all my strength I try and grip onto Calum’s hand and pull myself off. I think of his smile and the way his eyes crinkle up at the corners when he laughs at something funny. I think of the first time he told me he loved me and how his cheeks went bright red. I remember the time he tripped on stage and then complained the entire night that his ass hurt and how I should delete the video even though we both knew I wouldn’t. I remember the night he hummed that it was me and him against the world when we both got hate.
I remember throwing water balloons at him with the other boys and waking him up on his birthday. I think back to the time we got lost in New York and had to call the boys to come find us and the way Ashton yelled at Calum because we shouldn’t have left the hotel at two in the morning.
His name is on the tip of my tongue, begging to be let out.
“Cal?”
I push my eyes open and instantly wince at the bright light shining down on me. I watch as his head snaps up, his eyes landing on me. There’s dark circles under his eyes.
“Hey you.” He smiles.
The darkness swirls around the corners of my vision. In my mind I see Calum running off the stage, sweaty and radiating happiness. I remember the time he asked if we could get a dog and got angry when I told him that he already filled that position. I remember the time Michael tried to wake him up and they ended up falling off the bed, landing on the floor in a pile of blankets and groans. I remember the time he showed up on my doorstep at three am because he missed me and it was my birthday.
“I love you.” I tell him, forcing my eyes to stay open. The darkness around the edges moves in closer to the middle, blocking out everything but his face. “So much.” I croak. Tears well up in his eyes. “No. Smile.”
He does as he’s told and the last thing I see before letting the darkness swallow me whole is his smile.
