I was sitting in my living room, silently looking at the wall directly in front of me. Shortly before this, I spent some time on twitter, simply browsing through, scanning my mentions etc. I was unquestionably bored, and every five minutes my laptop alerted me to the fact that It was running low on power, as time went on, my twitter feed died, along side my laptop’s battery. I was that numbingly bored and miserable, that I didn’t have the strength or the will to reach for the power lead.
As I was staring at the wall, asking myself “why does this always happen to me” a tear fell onto my cheek, too tired of this situation to wipe it away. I solidly looked at one specific point in the wall, the edge of a picture frame in fact. One that housed an adorable yet stupidly funny picture of me and my boyfriend Luke, it was the first publicized event Luke took me to as his girlfriend. The saying “a picture tells a thousand words” is evident in this one for sure. I was pulling a laboured expression, which entailed me pulling a measly attempt of a half smile whilst the flashes of the paparazzi’s cameras bounced off Luke’s delicate yet deep blue eyes. And Luke, how could he be any less than perfect? Luke was standing there, dressed up to the nines. He was beaming from head to toe, genuinely happy about showing me off. The corner of the photo is chipped, only slightly though. Luke wanted to change it, but it was filled with memories. Michael was running with it when we moved in, and the numpty that Michael is, dropped it.
As I was staring at the chip in the mahogany coloured wood, more questions started to flood my consciousness. Ones such as “he can do better” and “I’m holding him back.” See, me and Luke have been dating a year now, and I honestly don’t think that I could love him more than I do, and this is the reason my current doubts, hurt so much. I felt that my anxiety stopped him doing things, stopped us and his career flourishing. I didn’t want to let him go, he was utter perfection. However, with my doubts getting re-enforced via “fans” on twitter sending me constant hate, it was only a matter of time that things will start to break down.
Suddenly, I heard noises at the door, it was Luke fidgeting with his keys because he always forgets which one is the front door key. As he figured it out, belatedly I admit, I quickly wipe all traces of tears off my now puffy and red cheeks.
"y/n?" luke shouts as he places his keys on the key hooks located to the left of the door beside the hall mirror.
I reply with a clean and chirpy “In here” rubbing my hands over my thighs, slowly to calm myself down.
"hey baby girl, I’ve missed you" luke says softly as he sits beside me placing a small kiss on hand.
"I’ve missed you too handsome" I reply squeezing his hand as to somewhat reciprocate the only affection that I could grant.
Luke starts to deepen the passion and places wet kisses along my neck whilst simultaneously dancing his fingers up my back near my bra strap.
I quickly shrug out of his hold and shake my head. “Luke, no seriously, I’m not in the mood. I’m sorry” “babe? what have I done?” asks Luke puzzlingly.
“it honestly doesn’t matter right now, I’m not gonna burden you with my problems.” I reply quickly, feeling yet another river of tears build up inside me. “y/n seriously tell me, I’ve told you before when you’re hurting, I am as well. Please baby, I can help.”
“No Luke, in fact, your niceness over this is actually making me feel worse.”
"What do you mean by that?” a confused face falls on his beautiful and now sad, face.
“I’m just having a few doubts lately, and to be honest, they’re getting worse.” I stand up and my heart is beating at an incomprehensible rate. I go to walk away because Luke’s face was just breaking my heart and I couldn’t face it.
As I go to walk, Luke grabs my arm and stops me, I try to struggle out of his grip but he holds onto me tighter, and spins me around to meet my gaze. “y/n, are you fucking leaving me?” his lips quiver at the mere prospect.
“Luke I don’t know.” he grabbed my shoulders with both hands and started sobbing. trying to get his words out, I could see how much pain struck him through his deep blue eyes. ”y/n please don’t do this to me, I fucking love you”
I wrapped my arms around his strong neck and said “Luke, I didn’t say I was, i said I don’t know, please don’t cry, you’re breaking my heart. I love you” and I kissed his cheek a few times to let him know I was serious.
He backed his head away and said “how can you love me, if you’re thinking of leaving me?” I took my arms off and replied,“It’s because I love you that I’m feeling I should go, I feel that I’m slowing you down, at every point in your life. For instance, we couldn’t even go out to eat last week because I was too scared of people laughing at me, calling me fat. And how we couldn’t go to Palm beach back in Sydney because I look hideous in a fucking bikini. I can’t do this to you anymore, you deserve a girlfriend who will try anything with you. You have your whole life in front of you and I’m just a constant burden.”
Luke shook his head and wiped the tears off his face, “y/n I don’t give a shit about anything like that, I love YOU and want to be with YOU. I know you have those issues, but you will over-come them in time and I WILL help you. Why else would I still be here? traveling back every few months to visit you, ay?”
“I don’t know, maybe because you feel sorry for me.” Luke passionately kissed me and sat me down on his lap on the nearest settee. “I swear, you’re not some charity case I take pity on. I accept your issues, they do not stop me from being with you, and they never will.”
“but lu-” he interrupts by kissing me again and saying softly “stop it, shhhh” I was exhausted at this point from the painful quarrel.
Luke could tell this, so he rocked me back and fourth slowly giving me small kisses on the back of my head throughout. Just before I drifted off to sleep in his strong embrace, he whispered in my ear, “for the record princess, you look beautiful in a bikini”.
Just like that, my boyfriend made everything okay, just when I needed him most
