Traitor (Renji Yomo x Reader) [Continued in a second book!]

Loneliness

(TW: Depressing thoughts!)

Kanou took ages to arrive, my plate was already finished and I took forever eating that.

But after around 3h he finally rang the doorbell.

Both Kishou and me were very, very tired. I felt bad for him because he had to get up in a couple of hours again while I didn't but whenever I told him to go to bed he insisted on letting him wait with me.

So as Kanou finally entered our apartment, we were both really relieved - even though I was kind of scared as well.

After all, I still didn't want to lose my baby.

The examination was quick and.. Painful. Mentally painful. Full of.. Abusive words, causing so many flashbacks to run through my head.

To have Kanou examine me made me feel humiliated.. Disgusted of myself.

As expected, he was being rough with me as well - it seemed like he wanted me to lose the child instead of helping me.

And once it was finally over he ordered me to eat more.

It was literally "just" an issue of not eating enough, the baby was slowly starving.. And therefore tried to eat from my insides, which made me stomach swell up a little.

Of course, it worried me, but Kanou said it'd be fine if I'd just eat a big amount of flesh each week - instead of only once a month. I was eating for two people now.. I should've known that the baby required me to eat more food.

Once he left I couldn't help but cry. My emotions came crashing down on me like they sometimes tended to. Sometimes I just felt too much instead of nothing at all, like I used to.

All the feelings that I tried to suppress for so long forced themselves onto me.

Kishou tried to console me but there was no use for it.

My tears didn't stop that night, I went to bed crying, telling my brother off, telling him to leave me alone like everyone else always did, that I could handle this on my own. I pushed him away.

There was no way I could handle this alone - I didn't even know if I wanted to handle this at all.

This entire night made me feel so worthless once again. After all, right now, I was just donating my body to Kanou's researches and that seemed so wrong.

My life was never meant to be lived by me.

My life had no purpose.

Even Renji sort of betrayed me.

And just like that, I was captivated by my negative thoughts. Again.

The following weeks I got worse while the baby actually got better, it started kicking and moving a lot more frequently again.

Kishou always tried to make me do things but it barely worked. He was busy most of the time anyway, leaving me alone on a daily base. I felt so lonely, only my baby was with me.

But even after reaching the 26th week of being pregnant, I didn't feel a loving connection with my baby. While yes, I cared for it.. I actually just wanted this to be over. It didn't feel like this was really my child, someone I should and could love - and it wouldn't be my child.. It'd be Kanou's new toy, therefore someone I'd never see again. Reminding myself that I conceived it without consent and that we would never be a real family, even if I could keep it, helped to soothe my mind, too.

Though, every time I felt it move inside of me, I felt a sharp pain in my heart.

To know that it was alive was beautiful but knowing it would be taken away from me hurt more than I expected it to - it hurt more than it should.