Traitor (Renji Yomo x Reader) [Continued in a second book!]

Addiction

It's been 8 days since we reunited once again. He hasn't left my side ever since. We did everything together: cooking, cleaning, eating, sleeping. For some reason it seemed like I was safe; so far nothing negative happened. Instead, Kanou was captured by the CCG; according to the news on TV he was currently under arrest due to what he had done to me. Besides him - and of course Renji -, only one other person actively cared about my existence: Kishou. On my third day of staying here, while Renji was taking care of his work, I took a phone and dialed his number. Back when Kanou started becoming so abusive at Kishou's place, I started memorizing his number for emergencies. He picked up rather reluctantly, speaking in a really rude way until he recognized who I was. His attitude changed within seconds and he immediately wanted to know where I was and how I was doing; he was my brother, so of course, I told him about my whereabouts, I kept my feelings to myself, though. Turns out he knew that my daughter had passed on but couldn't stop them from testing on her either. At least he didn't blame me like everyone else, he knew it was Kanou's doing and promised to bring it up during an appointment for a hearing regarding Kanou betraying the CCG. It wouldn't bring her back but perhaps it'd give me peace knowing something exactly like that wouldn't happen again. Kishou agreed on updating me regularly about this case - especially if Kanou would be freed, as that'd mean I'd be in danger again. Renji came back rather suddenly so I had to hang up quickly, cutting off our conversation abruptly. As he asked what I was doing I used the worst lie possible and told him I wanted to order a pizza but then realized I couldn't eat it. I couldn't tell if he actually believed me or if he was just pretending to do so, his expression showed mixed emotions, but he didn't ask about it.

Though Renji was very busy, he never left my side for longer than an hour - which was giving me enough anxiety and already felt like forever. Even the smallest noises drove me to the point of having panic attacks. I usually managed to calm down before he came home, only sometimes I had to call him, had to hear his calm voice before he arrived back home. It was nice to know that I could rely on him whenever I needed someone. We got along so well, I really had to fight the urge to kiss him every time he arrived at home. I still wasn't entirely ready to confess my love for him but I tried to give him little hints by doing little favors for him - resulting in him thanking me a billion times in the cutest ways. And then he returned the favors on the following day. Sometimes, when I was doing bad, we just sat down and watched some old cartoons on TV. Sooner or later we ended up cuddling up to each other, nothing sexual or anything of that sort happened, just pure cuddling as we both became more and more tired. One thing was for sure, we both deeply cared for each other. But I didn't just care for him, I truly adored him; the more time I spent with him, the more I realized how deep my feelings were - yet I just never found the right time to confess.

But that was not it, it was not all cute and lovey-dovey. We also began having arguments pretty much right after I moved back in. Though Renji was very understanding, I tended to overdo it on my bad days. He never shouted or anything - it was me who lost control of herself. It was me who was yelling at him because I needed my drugs because I was doing horrible. To say I was simply craving it, would be an understatement. I was addicted to it, requiring the numbness, having to have no emotions and feelings. To live without my drug seemed useless, seemed wrong.. Seemed too hard. So hard, I ended up completely losing control of my emotions to the point, I cried as I threw pillows or clothes, maybe even an occasional object, through his container, sometimes accidently even breaking other stuff and injuring myself on purpose so I'd feel numb for a second. Those moments usually occurred when Renji was not home and I couldn't find my phone to call him. And once he came home, I immediately snapped out of it while also forgetting everything that happened during the time out of control. He wasn't even too shocked and barely got angry, usually trying to calm me down but I just yelled at him in frustration of myself. I vocally let my frustration out on him, blaming him for my behavior when he had nothing to do with it. Later, once I calmed down, I apologized and tried to make it up to him somehow but he always said he understood and that it was okay. It was definitely not okay in my eyes. So far, it happened three times. Three times that I broke his stuff, messed up his house and then made him feel bad about himself. And even after that, he still held me tight when I was having another hissy fit and told me it'd be okay, that he'd support me no matter what. I hated myself for acting this way, for treating him so badly. He didn't deserve that.. And it made me feel so anxious about confessing my love to him. It felt so wrong to confess to him when I was still craving my drug more than anything.