Traitor (Renji Yomo x Reader) [Continued in a second book!]

Changes

The following weeks were intense. We only spoke when we had to; basic conversations were all we held. I didn't know how to approach him at all and therefore tried to avoid him most of the time. He seemed to struggle with the same issue, but instead of avoiding me by staying in a different room, he just worked for his casual 8 hour shift. At first, I thought about getting mad at him for leaving but then I realized that I preferred being alone right now. I needed time for myself, to sort my thoughts and feelings. Thanks to him, I had plenty.

After spending about a week grieving tremendously, barely leaving the bedroom, breaking into tears at the smallest thought of her, and crying because I felt so help- and useless on my own, missing Renji's near, realization hit me. While the pain was still residing within me, I knew things had to change. My life got out of hands and was not in my control - I had to take it back. There was no use in depending on someone or something else besides myself. I needed to learn to take care of myself - without help from anyone else or substance abuse. No one could save me from myself except for me. But there was no way I could just switch off my problems and get better, no, I had to fix them step by step. Asking for help on what exactly to do was my first step. Usually, I would've asked Renji but I couldn't bring myself to confide in him, so I chose Kishou. Once Renji was at work and I was alone, I contacted him. We had a long conversation about this entire situation. He kept suggesting interesting activities for me to get everything off my mind. Most of them sounded horribly exhausting but I promised to try them - all of them. He also suggested sending me some of my clothes that he still had and I approved, telling him where exactly I was. We met up on the following day. Since everyone knew who he was, he was disguised as someone else. He even took me out to eat dinner - after letting me change and putting on a wig as well. Too many people knew who I was because of the incident with Kanou, I couldn't risk anyone taking me back to the CCG. Whenever I left the house and planned to be around people, I had to hide my identity somehow. Anyway, that was the first day I actually felt a bit better and didn't get angry at myself for something minor. Being outside actually lifted my mood immensely, it was something I wanted to do more.

From there on, it gradually got better. Sometimes, I still had my bad moments or even hours but in general, the weight continually lifted off of my shoulders. Day by day I started becoming more active. Mornings started with a short workout guided by an online tutorial, followed by taking a shower and tidying up the bed. Then I usually left the house and enjoyed some nature - which was quite hard to do at first because I feared to be recognized. I never went too far but just far enough to be around other people so I'd get used to socializing with and being around strangers again. Sometimes I picked flowers, sometimes I just stared into the distance and watched random people interact and sometimes I doodled onto my hands or into a book that I brought. Every now and then little kids complimented my drawings which threw me back to my dead daughter. Regardless of that, I thanked them with a warm smile and sometimes gifted them my drawing. But deep inside it always shook me up and resulted in me rushing home due to being overwhelmed most of the time. I knew I still wanted a family - but how was I going to take responsibility for someone else if I couldn't even take it for myself? If I wanted a family, I had to learn how to live first - at least that's how I saw it. The thought of being able to have a family once I'd be ready motivated me.

My biggest achievement was that I found a small job at a restaurant with Kishous help. The thought of working - especially surrounded by a lot of people - scared me but I knew I had to do it. In my eyes, earning money was a huge step to a better future. Kishou snuck me into the restaurant, only I was disguised so everyone recognized him. He introduced me as his sister, (Y/N) Arima, from far away that needed a part-time job. Within a day I was accepted.. Probably due to the sister-of-a-famous-ghoul-killer-bonus but it didn't really matter to me.