Traitor (Renji Yomo x Reader) [Continued in a second book!]

Realize and Recharge

As the raid kept creeping closer and closer, you slowly started accepting your fate. With every passing day, you grew number to the world around you. Your losses still weighed you down heavily. The pain of having lost two children in less than a year was overly evident in your face and the way you spoke. Your eyes were empty, reflecting nothing but sadness. The bags residing below them kept growing, your skin kept getting paler. There was no end to the black tunnel you were in, much less any light. When you spoke, there was no faith in yourself left. You hoped the raid would put an end to your misery in one way or another. No matter how hard Koutarou tried to help you, he could only ever temporary lift your mood.

That people were still sexualizing you over these disgusting videos hurt. It was the last thing you wanted to be known for. However, you managed to drown it out for the most part... Until a group of people decided to harass you while you were on your way to the bathroom. They pulled you into a little alleyway and abruptly forced their phones in your face. Until that day, you had never seen an actual video except for the one Itori delivered to you - other than that, you just knew they existed - but thanks to them, you now did. Although you immediately destroyed their phones, you still had to deal with the aftermath. Those memories, some of them suppressed, haunted you ever since. More often than not, you dreamed about it, relived the events, making your nights sleepless all over again.

All that had happened wore you out. By now, it was almost as if a part of you left. The constant smiles, the positivity, the wish to fight for the love of your life, the urge to fix your mistake - it was all gone. You were just.. holding on, clutching onto what was left, trying your hardest to make the best of it.

The more often you saw Renji with his family, the sadder you grew. While you still missed his presence in your life, you started realizing that it was for the better. Tetsuo needed his father and the amount of abuse you endured over the years was ultimately unforgivable. Nonetheless, you craved him. Too many times had you fallen asleep in his arms. Too many times had you woken up to see those wonderful eyes watch over you. Too many times had he warmed your heart with his soft smile. But too many times had he yelled at you, screamed words full of spite in your face or even physically assaulted you.

So, now, you felt empty. Koutarou was all you had left in life. The only "good" thing happening in your life was that your miscarriage finally seemed to be completed. You no longer bled. But that only meant so much knowing that you had fully lost a part of yourself - your child.

At first, you cried, bawled your eyes out but by now, there were no more tears left to cry. For most parts, you spent your days sitting in silence, contemplating little things, overthinking. Deep scars of your past were torn open. From being abused by your own parents to spending years getting used and almost being killed by the hands of the love of your life. You often wondered if there was ever anything positive happening in your life. And there was. The feeling of falling in love for the first time, feeling your heart skip a beat whenever Renji was smiling. The first time holding hands and not being hurt. Kissing. Experiencing what love was actually like, noticing that it was nothing like you had been taught by your parents and your Aogiri abusers. Meeting new people, even making friends. Mattering in someone's life. Cuddling without the fear of being used, appreciating the innocence of it. Going on vacation. Working, helping other people. Feeling loved. Trusting someone and being trusted. Experiencing the pleasure of intercourse. Hearing sincere apologies when someone hurt you. Dressing up in beautiful clothes, feeling pretty. Learning to love yourself step by step. Seeing yourself in a wedding kimono. The Promise. Spending Christmas full of love. The love you two shared was so pure back then. Until it all fell apart. Ryuu was a wonderful part of your life. You still remembered the joy of having him. But after that Christmas you spent with Renji, everything slowly fell apart.