Traitor (Renji Yomo x Reader) [Continued in a second book!]

Revealing The Wicked Game

By the time I noticed I had been locked up, my eyes were already swollen and my nose was already stuffy. Quite a few hours passed by before I attempted to go after him. Those hours, I spent crying. The more his words sank in, his insults and the more I thought about my night with Koutarou, the worse I felt. A tidal wave of guilt, shame, and incredible sadness washed over me. That I didn't know how Renji felt through all these months made me feel selfish and utterly terrible. We were supposed to support each another, yet I was being ignorant and didn't notice that he needed support. Repeatedly looking at the now-broken ring shattered my heart over and over again. It was such a beautiful ring, clearly expensive. Renji seemed to have treasured me a lot and that's why he considered me worthy of such a pricey gift. But now it seemed I was merely some dirt on his shoe. Just like my parents did, he called me a disgrace. Our entire conversation threw me back to how my life had always been - ever since I was 8. There were not a lot of positive memories I could recall while I was feeling so distraught. As much as I didn't want to pity myself, cry about my own actions and my past, I couldn't help it. Why I was alive constantly ran through my mind. This situation was overwhelming. I never expected to be in it. Not only did Renji get hurt, Koutarou was potentially dying as well. On top of that, my relationship was probably over. My biggest dream had always been a stable and healthy relationship, growing my own family - but now that all seemed to finally fall apart. It was my fault. Entirely my fault. And that nudged my self-hatred greatly. The amount of regret I felt was incomparable. My growing headache really wasn't making this any easier.

Being locked up didn't even infuriate me like it usually would have. To me, it was just punishment - I deserved it. And perhaps it would help him forgive me...

My tears simply didn't want to dry - I couldn't stop them from coming. Perhaps holding the broken ring and clutching onto the teddy bear he gave me wasn't exactly the best calming method - but clutching onto them was better than continuously scratching my arm to release tension. My arm was already ravished. Eventually, my body was so exhausted from all the stress, I passed out on our bed. I unconsciously cuddled up to Renji's pillow, wanted to at least smell his scent. To imagine that sometime soon I wouldn't be able to take it in anymore, made my heart wrench from pain. No matter how bad he hurt me in the past, he still managed to be my favorite person - a life without him seemed so distant, so unimaginable. That silver-haired man stole my heart back when I was 19 years old. He was the first guy I met without any cruel intentions. We have been loving each other for over a decade. Just the thought of losing him for good, now that we were somewhat working out, hurt. Sure, we struggled greatly but at the end of the day, we loved each other. I really felt like I was the problem in our relationship; I was the one causing all the trouble.

That he didn't come home that night confirmed that thought.

Although I was catching some sleep, I frequently woke up. By now I was used to him not being with me at night - but today I prayed he would come home. It scared me that he wasn't willing to see me. It was terrifying to know he was probably with Itori again. It still made me feel jealous. Their relationship seemed to be so much better than ours - I envied it: they were friends for years, then hooked up, now exes that had a great friendship. But after what I did, I didn't think I was allowed to feel that way. Renji was probably going through far worse when I didn't return home. The thought of him coming home with her scent painted all over him was horrifying, though. Losing him to her would be devastating. Especially after such a long time of loving one another. Back when I thought he had died, my life became meaningless. Losing him to my own foolish mistakes was my worst nightmare, waking me multiple times. And whenever I woke, I couldn't help but cry again. My heart was aching for him. I missed him - now more than ever. Sharing a room with him would be enough - it didn't have to be our bed, I could easily sleep on the floor or our couch.