Traitor (Renji Yomo x Reader) [Continued in a second book!]

I wish..

Moments of silence passed by before his eyes met mine and his mouth started opening slightly as if he was about to say something.

C'mon.. Speak up..

Growing both desperate and anxious for his words drove me crazy.

I couldn't exactly interpret his expression - it could've been so sad because he found someone else he loves or because he wants to apologize but doesn't know how to.

In fear of rejection, I started biting my lip.

"I.." he started speaking, the sound of his deep voice sending shivers down my spine.

But instead of continuing his sentence, he sealed his lips and went quiet again.

The tension in this room started rising and I grew impatient as more minutes filled with passed by.

"You?" I ended up breaking it, really wanting to hear his words.

He sighed in return.

"Please just say something - anything is better than staying quiet."

"I'm trying to.. Find words to say"

"I know.. And that's great - but.. You're taking forever"

"That's 'cause.. I don't wanna hurt you anymore than I already have"

"Mhm.." I hummed, not knowing what to reply to him.

"Look.. I..- .. I'm trying to come up with anything.. But I can't. My words were wrong and I had no right to judge you like this. Especially not after all this time. And I really am sorry for my behavior. I don't exactly know what I was thinking.. But I know that I was shocked. Shocked to see you so.. Fragile and lifeless. It upset me. And you were pregnant too. None of that seemed right to me. Of course, I'm aware that you had no choice of what happened to you but it was just so frustrating to hear and to see... It.. it made me realize how hard I should've tried to get to you, to save you. It made me get angry at myself.. At my failure of saving you" he explained while looking straight into my eyes, his expression showing immense worry.

"Hmm"

He clenched his teeth together and started fumbling around with his hands, his eyes sliding away from mine towards the bed sheets.

"3 years and seven months are a long time.. A time in which we could've become a real family. It's my fault that didn't work out. Even worse.. It's my fault you're carrying some stranger's child inside of you. God, it's so dangerous.. - but I'm so glad you're alive.. I was so worried about you.." he mumbled.

"It's been a little over four years since we were separated" I whispered, avoiding eye contact as well.

"I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry. I'm so sorry they did all of this to you when it could've been prevented in the first place. -- I swear, I tried to get into their headquarters before.. To get you.. But they were stronger than me.. And.. it just didn't work out."

I nodded to show him some sort of response to what he said, to let him know that I was still paying attention and listening intently.

So he tried to save me.. but failed.. 

Knowing how determined he can be.. they must've been really strong.. and they probably injured him severely..

"And I didn't know they performed a lobotomy on you.. That Kanou injured you to the point you didn't have any feelings or emotions... to the point you turned into an actual puppet. You don't deserve this at all. You never deserved any of this."

"The time right after the 'surgery' was intense.." I whispered.

"I can only imagine.. I'm sorry.. I wish I would've been stronger back then" he repeated.

His words were followed by another round of silence but it was okay.. Cause I had to take in all of the things he said.

At least he seems to understand better now.

And judging by his expression he really is troubled.

"Regardless of that.. I hope you know that I still think of you as the most beautiful person."

As he said those words I instantly formed fists with my hands - not because I was angry but because I tried hard to stay strong as that was my weak point.

Beautiful.. How am I beautiful? I'm a wreck..

"Just a few minutes ago you called yourself worthless.. And that's not true at all. That was never the truth. And you're not a burden either."

Pang. He hit another weak point. My serious expression started crumbling.

But it is the truth..

It's why no one saved me..

"And..I always wanted a family with you, too.. I wanted to be the first one to experience this with you.. Experiencing having a family.." he added.

And that's when I started tearing up.

My eyes filled with tears once I realized that we both wanted the same future but that it was taken away from us.. At least until now.

We're doomed..

And it's my fault.. I've been met with a terrible fate.

We could've been a family by now..

•••

A/N: Graah, I'm sorry guys, the internet is messing up again. But good news! Starting on the 16th I should have proper wifi. Let's hope that's true.. >.< [cause it's expensive]

♥