Traitor (Renji Yomo x Reader) [Continued in a second book!]

Frustration

My body was still shaking with fear from his implied hit. The image of someone I truly love walking towards me, wanting to hit me with full force, terrified me. It was something I never wanted to experience. Though he didn't hit me, it felt like he really wanted to. His expression was angry, seeming like he barely held himself back from actually injuring me. Before I could even advance towards the bathtub, I felt my legs lose their power entirely. I slowly sunk to the ground, my emotions taking over me as I broke down in more tears. Now, more than ever, all my negative thoughts were consuming me. Annoying. Useless. Helpless. Selfish. Worthless. A waste. A burden. A failure. Not good enough. Those voices in my head kept repeating how no one loved me, how no one needed me, how I should be dead, that all of this was my fault. All those things I didn't need to hear right now came crashing down on me. They all seemed true to me, too. I believed that I was all of that and have always been. It's what I've always been taught. To hear Renji say some of it was verifying it to me. My existence was causing trouble to so many people - even the ones I love.

As I sat there, on the ground, clutching onto my head, our conversation ran through my head. I somewhat understood him; I hurt and upset him and he wanted to let me know ..but I felt betrayed and hurt by his words, his insults. Throughout this entire time, he pretended that everything I did was somehow okay - but he didn't mean it. He hugged me, told me it was fine when he really wanted to yell at me. Yes, we had arguments but he never once raised his voice - until now. He was always the one keeping it low, letting me calm down with his support. I knew about my mistakes, I just didn't have enough power to fix them yet and I thought he was fine with them.

It's my fault things went the way they did.. I should've noticed his hidden anger..

Currently, my life, my existence felt like a mistake, like something that was not meant to be. An accident. An unwanted surprise.

Maybe my only purpose in life was to become a test subject. No family. No love. Just testing.

What really bothered me, was that he cared more for his objects than for me injuring myself. But maybe that was just me being selfish again and wanting him to care for me. But that he mocked my past was definitely not okay - he knew how bad it was.

He knew that it's been barely 9 months since someone last.. Took advantage of me and that it's been just a few weeks since someone last hit me. But he dared to make fun of it... and he dared to pretend to hit me. He should know that I'm very sensitive to those actions.

My breathing was hard, my head was aching and my face - especially my eyes - was red and swollen. I felt sick. And it upset me. I hated myself. I just didn't want to feel a thing. My entire life was just a collection of bad events, so frustrating compared to other peoples lifes. Once again, I was frustrated with myself. Every possible thing was going wrong. It didn't take long before my sadness was clouded up by anger for myself. I could never be angry at Renji.. I could be disappointed and hurt, but not angry. I only blamed myself for all of this. Not knowing any better I slammed my hands on the ground, hoping to find relief in doing so.. But it didn't help, instead, my hands just hurt from the impact.

"Calm down, calm down.." I repeatedly whispered to myself.

♦♦♦

(Renji's POV)

Her saddened, hurt expression haunted my mind. I didn't mean to be so blunt, so angry, but I was. My job was stressing me out, I had to do the tasks for an entire day in less than an hour and then I came home to someone furious. Sometimes she even called me during that one hour without her. I always tried to pick up, not wanting to let her down. But that meant more work in even less time. She was adding up to the stress. She became the reason I was stressed out. And when I thought I'd at least come home to her waiting for me, greeting me with her beautiful smile, she was usually furious and outraged, which meant more work for me to do.