Traitor (Renji Yomo x Reader) [Continued in a second book!]

Dysfunctional

After our rather violent encounter, Renji was quick to leave again. This time he claimed it was for work. Meanwhile, he forced me to stay in our room and clean the mess he created. At least he was patient enough to wait for me to fill a bucket with water so I could scrub the floor. Of course, he locked the door again. Needlessly to say, my neck and shoulder area ached terribly. That it was healing fairly fast wasn't very soothing either - I still had to move it which repeatedly tore the skin back open. It was truly bothersome that I couldn't take another shower to get rid of all the blood staining my body. Again, I considered just leaving but I loved Renji and I knew he wouldn't forgive me betraying his trust once again.

Throughout the entire day, tears continuously managed to fall from my eyes. As much as I wanted to stop, it was too hard. One second I was busy raging about my mistakes, the next second I cried because it all seemed so dim and hopeless right now. No matter what, I couldn't shake the thought of that I actually deserved this. I had brought this on myself. Crying about my own ridiculous mistake made me feel even more pathetic.

There were tons of thoughts clouding up my mind. Focusing on anything was barely possible. My cleaning went mediocre, I poured more of the blood-stained water on my clothing that I would've ever expected. By the time I was done, my shirt was soaked. After changing my clothes to something clean, I decided to try consuming media to take my mind off this all. Unfortunately, it was too no avail. Even reading a random book or watching a stupid movie didn't take my thoughts away. They always came breaking through, worrying, frightening and saddening me. The majority of the day I spent overthinking.. And crying. The loneliness I felt was burning ever so deeply. All I wanted was to be held, cared for and loved. Yes, I was needy. In need of reassurance that I did matter in someone's life. And in need of comfort. Did I deserve that after what I'd done? No.

Part of that overthinking was reflecting on myself and my behavior. Since Renji decided to leave me alone for another night, I had quite a lot of time to do so. However, that wasn't all that easy with all of Renji's accusations in mind. They influenced my own opinion. Nonetheless, I couldn't find a proper reason to why I cheated on him. I ruled out all options, spend hours pondering about my motifs but the only thing I could really come up with was alcohol and the thought of revenge with a touch of bitterness about Renji's behavior causing it. Perhaps I wanted him to be jealous, wanted him to fight for me again and show me that he loves me more than his family. Both would be really rude and disrespectful, even selfish. Having feelings for Koutarou was out of the question, it didn't seem like I had serious feelings for him other than platonic ones. I loved him as my friend, the one that always stood beside me and protected my baby and me when we needed it most. He was so important to me. Of course, his unconfirmed death was another point bothering me greatly. Too many thoughts, worries, ideas circled around my head. I couldn't even think one point through before another one crashed in. There was no winning against my thoughts. They were cruel and fearsome but most importantly: they were all my fault.

At the end of the day, I concluded that because everything was my fault, I had to work harder to convince him of my love: I had to overcome my issues, my traumas. No more denying him in bed. No more asking him to keep Tetsuo at Itori's place. No more jealousy. No more crying about how awful my life is. More kindness for his family. More freedom for him without being judged. Involving myself in Tetsuo's life. Accepting Itori as someone important in his life. Not competing with her but making her my friend instead. And finally, being a caring girlfriend that's always willing to listen. I had to show goodwill.

Was that the right way to fix our problems? I wasn't sure, had no idea. But he seemed to think I wouldn't be able to change, so I had to prove him wrong. I had to make sure he wouldn't consider me a waste of time anymore.