Traitor (Renji Yomo x Reader) [Continued in a second book!]

Unwanted

That night, sleeping beside him felt very lonely. He didn't cuddle with me, didn't hold me anyhow. And I wasn't going to do it either. It was another fairly sleepless night for me. No matter how hard I tried to tell myself to fall asleep, I couldn't. All I really wanted was to feel secure - in his arms. Especially now that I let him touch my bare skin. It meant a lot to me, took a lot of me to keep as calm as I possibly could. I was trying to show him that I was learning to trust him again, let him see a vulnerable side of me, open up to him. In return, I expected to feel a lot more loved now. But I really just felt worse. He made me feel like a second option, someone less important than he was to me. And that certainly wasn't what I was hoping for.

By the time his alarm went off, I was still wide awake. My heart began to ache when, instead of giving me a gentle kiss, he just left. No goodbyes, no gestures, no gentle caressing of even just my hand - he just flat out left.

Unlike yesterday, I wasn't able to catch any sleep afterward. I couldn't stop thinking about him and how my importance seemed to decrease with every day. Perhaps he was convinced that now that I knew he had a child, he no longer had to pretend he loved me. All kinds of worries kept me awake until I finally gave up and got up.

Sleep deprived as I was, I glanced at the leftovers from our little date night and started cleaning up the dishes and even made our bed - anything that'd distract me. Laundry followed after that. But just when I picked up one of his bags that seemed to be containing dirty clothes, a hard case fell out of it.

Reaching out to pick it up, I realized it was the DVD case that I was apparently holding when Renji found me.

I completely forgot about this.. Why did he stuff it in here? Didn't he say we could watch it together..? Well, since he's too busy anyway .. Maybe I'll just do it on my own.

Sighing, I threw the case on our bed and stuffed some other dirty laundry into the bag - that way I'd only have to carry one bag to our washing machine. Yes, we were lucky enough to actually have one washing machine by now. Sure, we had to share it but it was so early, most people were still asleep. And in case they weren't, I could still find a way to clean it with my hands again.

On my way to our washing machine, I stumbled into Touka who was obviously pregnant. At this point, there was absolutely no way to hide it anymore. Kaneki was with her. And that just made this morning worse for me. Their expressions spoke so many silent words. Their love for one another was written all over their faces.

Their love is so pure.. So beautiful. They'll go far.

Smiling sadly, I quietly walked past them. I really didn't want to engage in a conversation with both of them. Although I cared, I really didn't want to hear Touka tell me about her pregnancy. And aside from that, the dark circles beneath my eyes were so prominent, I really didn't want them to ask me about it. I didn't want to make my issues with Renji public. Not yet anyway. Perhaps it was just another rough patch we were going through.

Fortunately, the washing machine wasn't in use, so, of course, I threw our clothes in. Our clothes weren't all that many but for the sake of distraction, I still switched the machine on. While our shirts and pants were furiously spinning around in the machine, I ..sat down in front of it and watched. The little window in it let me view the entire process of the water slowly soaking them, the detergent mixing into it,... it was very distracting, almost hypnotizing, giving me tons of time to think. It was then that I realized how worn out I was from Renji's neglect and how bad his lie hurt me. Without actually wanting to, I started crying. The lack of sleep, disappointment, and hurt turned me into a mess. All I really wanted and ended up crying about was that I wanted to sleep while he held me in his arms. He always made me feel so secure, I wanted to feel that again. One issue led to the other and I ended up overthinking everything again. Once the washing machine was done, I was a sobbing, exhausted mess.