Traitor (Renji Yomo x Reader) [Continued in a second book!]

Insight

(Renji's POV)

"So.. Yomo-san, what was so urgent?" Chigyou spoke to me.

Chigyou was my last hope. After having spent 3 hours desperately knocking on Amon and (Y/N)'s door, ringing their doorbell every now and then, I knew I'd have to get help. Something was wrong with me, something I couldn't explain. And it made me want to relapse. All I wanted to do was head to Helter Skelter and grab some bottles of wine while I smoke a package of cigarettes. So far I made it two weeks without a single glass of wine and three days without a cigarette. Relapsing would be a huge step back.

Not knowing any better, I immediately headed to Chigyou's office. After waiting for only half an hour, I was invited to his room and now I sat on the chair in front of his desk.

"I.. I did it again!.. I don't know w-why.. But.. I slapped her again.." I admitted, my body shaking at the thought of having laid a hand on her - again, "I don't know why I slapped (Y/N), I don't know why I called her bad words. It felt so wrong, so out of control. So strange. Over weeks I had made up with her. We were going okay. No fights, no trouble. And then I happened to see her kiss that guy because I wanted to ask for the restroom. It upset me, frustrated me.. Made me jealous."

"You slapped (Y/N) again?" Chigyou wondered, slowly taking notes.

"Y-yeah.. Bu-but.. I.. I don't know why or how.. I just.. I saw my hand and the next thing I know was that I hit her and she fell, I.. I think" I stuttered, in disbelief of my own words.

"You don't recall hitting her but.. you know you did it?" Chigyou continued asking.

"No.. I saw myself do it.. But.. I didn't mean to" I explained, knowing I made no sense so my hands formed fists in frustration, "I don't want to hurt her.... I.. I love her."

"3rd person view?"

"No. I saw it through my own two eyes, I saw how I lifted my hand and hit her and was also saying some cruel stuff - but I don't know why and.. I.. I didn't mean to" I went on to ramble, my foot nervously stomping on the ground.

"Hmmh. I see. That's indeed not good" Chigyou murmured as he put down his notebook.

I frowned, bit my lip hard. At this point, I was absolutely worked up, confused about myself and shocked about my own actions. It simply didn't make sense.

Why would I hurt someone I genuinely love? Why do I continuously hurt her? And why does it just.. Happen.

"Doctor.. Please, I need help. S-she said I'd never see my s-son again.. Ryuu. I.. I have to .. I -" I panicked until he cut me off.

"Calm down, Yomo-san. What you're experiencing sounds a lot like you're dissociating" Chigyou said, his eyes locked on mine while he leaned forward on his chair to close the distance between us.

"D-dissociating?" I stuttered, not understanding what he's talking about.