Traitor (Renji Yomo x Reader) [Continued in a second book!]

Wind

Instead of continuing our conversation, we both kept quiet and silently watched TV. His reaction wasn't what I expected it to be and he didn't seem to want to continue talking either. There was a lot I still wanted to tell him, though, but it didn't feel right to share it at that moment. He was clearly distracted by something that he didn't want to share either. So.. instead of having a clarifying talk, we stayed silent as we usually did. For some reason the silence was even harder to take this time. I could sense that something was off with him but I had no idea how to express my concern. On another note I didn't feel like he really cared for me when I was doing bad either, so I kind of wanted to be selfish and do the same for once. But then it hit me that maybe I had been doing this all along? I thought that perhaps he had been doing bad ever since I came back but I never once asked him. In the end, I hurried to the bedroom, once again engulfed by self-doubt that was threatening to turn into self-hate. Not wanting to end this day on a bad note, all I could do was escape into my dreamland as soon as possible.

The new day started without Renji who was already at work.. Or at least not home. I could already tell that this was going to be a bad day. My head was throbbing, I was craving badly, though I had no real reason to, my blood sugar level was too low and to top it all off I hit my pinky toe a few minutes after I woke up. Long story short, I had absolutely no motivation to drag myself outside and instead wanted to go back to sleep.. But I couldn't. That little will to live that I still had, gave me enough strength to stumble towards the laptop and turn on a random workout video. Lucky me, it was mainly a leg workout video followed by a few sit ups - exhausting but not too bad compared to other workouts that appeared before. After all, my goal was to feel better about myself.. Not to necessarily gain muscle or lose weight, if anything that was just a bonus. Once that was finally over I took a quick shower and then already had to head off to work. I took an earlier shift today to ensure that I could go through with my funeral plans even if I had to work overtime.

A couple unspectacular hours later, I was on my way back home. I got a nice amount of tips today which, combined with my other tips, would probably be enough to buy a new mirror for Renji. So far, I only ever lived on his expenses but now I could finally pay him back. The thought made me feel better right away but seeing happy families on the streets dimmed that right away. It reminded me how this was going to be a sad but.. Important day and also how I still had to go pick up some flowers. Having received a bit of money, I decided to go buy some instead of picking them from a flower field nearby.. Which was also maybe illegal.

As I stood in the floral shop, I was overwhelmed by different type of smells and also because of those amazing different smells. They were all pretty in their own ways, it was hard to pick a favorite that also fit the occasion. I ended up buying chrysanthemums. Judging by their color, which was yellow fading into orange, they fit perfectly. Besides that I also bought a few red spider lilies to form a nice looking bouquet. The result satisfied me but it was also quite pricey as the florist informed me. Still, I bought all of them - this was a special and hopefully rare occasion, I would hate myself for not spending money on it. Once that was done as well, I finally headed home.

At home I finished some last preparations. Part one was the hardest: finally writing a short letter to her and a short note in case someone would find this box. It took forever and a lot of tries until I found the right words. The random note was definitely easy, simply stating that this box was in memorial of my daughter and that I'd appreciate if it'd stay untouched, compared to the letter. Finding the right way to start was already hard enough but through some tears I eventually managed to write a few sentences: