In The Blink Of An Eye

Tears Of Pain

As I watched him I realized something. I think what connected us more than anything was the pain, the fear, the sleepless nights, the frustration, everything both of us wanted to talk about and even scream on top of our lungs about, but we never did. We kept it all in as much as possible. I think our scared, hurt, broken parts recognized and connected to each other, without us actually ever realizing why.

Our pains weren't the same, I can't compare any pain to that of losing a sibling, parents, or child. Everything else hurts, but that pain must be unbearable! But, as Evan said, pain is pain no matter how small or big, we all go through it at one point or another. I guess it was just a matter of finding someone who you could share that pain with, that made it possible for us to move on.

Jake was there for all of it, since day one. He was, but... Jake never saw it, none of it. Not the days I was worried out of my mind when they would call me and tell me they caught him, not the sleepless nights when I would see MWAF as soon as I would close my eyes, and not the silent moments that I kept inside me and never shared with him because I was afraid of hurting him more than he already was. What Jake and I have is special, I have no doubt about that. I also have no doubt about our feelings towards each other. These feelings that weren't supposed to have happened in the first place. I fell for Jake for how smart, caring, unique and mysterious he was. He cared about me and fell in love with me, even though he never said it. He did, but in his own way.

You see, Jake wasn't the type to sit there and express his feelings, I mean I didn't blame him. Our situation was a kind that we didn't know how long we had. Every time he would log off, I wasn't sure when the next time would be that I would see him. Our love for each other isn't the one where we saw each other and fell in love, or the one where we kiss for the first time and feel butterflies, not even the one where we get into a huge argument only to realize how crazy in love we are with each other. No, our love for each other was something completely different. Actually, so different that most of the time it made no sense at all.

Now sitting here and looking at Evan as he is completely unaware of his surroundings and just lost in his own thoughts, I remembered what it was like to love someone who you could be with. Who didn't require internet access, or special hacking skills, or the government after them, even the one who didn't come with a big baggage from his past. I remembered my life without the MWAF, to be in love with someone who you could run up to and hug every time you saw each other, who you could call and they would be there in no time when you were scared, who you could sleep next to when it was raining and thundering outside. I remembered it all! Just as I was thinking how I wish Jake was the one sitting in front of me now, and how I wish my life wasn't so complicated, Evan turns and sees me sitting there.

"I didn't want to distract you from your thoughts. So I just sat here, watching you. Hope you don't mind."

"Are you kidding me? I'm so so sorry. I didn't even hear you sit down. I was actually thinking about Amy. She loved the little shop across the street, that one right there."

He points across the street to a little shop that's filled with flowers in the front. It seems to be an art supply shop of some kind. I remember seeing Amy's profile, she loved to draw. She was even in art class with Cleo. I couldn't imagine the stuff that went on in Evan's mind as he saw that shop. I'm sure all the memories of Amy came crashing into him like the waves in the ocean come crashing to the shore. He had tears in his eyes, the ones where he tried so hard to hold back, those tears that make it hard to swallow because you feel that knot in the back of your throat, which you know is going to send you into a hysterical cry that breaks you down. He looks back at me and says;

"That little shop, it was her favorite. That's the first place she bought her paintbrush and fell in love with art. I can't begin to tell you how many times we went there together. I actually used to make fun of her, saying how she was wasting money since she was never going to learn how to draw."