In The Blink Of An Eye

Thinking About Us

When I woke up this morning, Jake was asleep next to me. For the first time in the last few weeks he was asleep after I woke up. Was it over? Have his nightmares finally come to an end? Did he have one good night of normal sleep without waking up in sweat? I really prayed that was the case but I feared that his body had finally caught up to him and had given up. I feared that he no longer could stay up even when his nightmares didn't let him sleep. 

I didn't want to wake him up, I just couldn't get myself to do anything that would even risk him waking up right now. So, I continued to lay next to him. God, I love him so much. After Evan died I was so sure that I would never love again. But, I love him with all my heart. Actually, I love him more than he will ever know. I'm sure that he has no idea the love I feel for him and how much it scares me to lose him. I think it actually scares me more that he might lose me. As hard as I try to not think about it, it scares me that one day he will wake up and I won't be a part of his life. 

You might be wondering why him losing me would scare me more than me losing him?

See, I wasn't scared of him losing me because I was going to leave, or go anywhere. No! I was scared of him losing me by someone killing me and that terrified me because I was aware of exactly how Jake would feel. If I died, I would feel anything but he would feel pain for the rest of his life. A type of pain that never goes away. I knew that type of pain because I've been there, I'm still there. I didn't want him to go through that kind of pain. 

I watched him as he slept and it felt so good to know that he was getting at least some sleep without waking up. I couldn't stop looking at him. He was perfect! Everything others saw right away when they looked at him and maybe even judged and maybe hated about him ...I loved. To me he was everything he wasn't to other people and that's all that mattered. I was nowhere near perfect, I was far from it actually, but he loved me for exactly who I am and that made me happier than anything else ever could. 

Just as I thought that his nightmares were over, turns out I was wrong. 

Out of nowhere he began to sweat and I saw his body twitch and I knew that he was having that nightmare again. I wasn't going to let him sleep and continue seeing me get shot over and over again. 

"Jake!!! Wake up baby. Jake…"

I kept shaking his arm trying to wake him up. He normally always woke up as soon as he heard even the slightest sound, but not right now. 

"Jake, it's me please wake up. We have to go."

Again, nothing! He just kept twitching harder and the sweat on his face now covered his entire neck, chest and arms. Why wasn't he waking up?? I needed him to wake up!!! 

"Jakeeeee, wake up! It's me, Madisyn. Honey please wake up."

I shook him a little harder this time and finally he snapped out of his nightmare. As soon as he opened his eyes and saw me he began to cry. I hated this part, I hated it so bad. He would get so scared that I was dead and the realization that I wasn't always broke my heart. I couldn't stand to see that pain in his eyes and I hated that I couldn't do anything to help. 

"It's just a nightmare. I'm here! Calm down, take a deep breath. I'm right here!!!"

I just wanted to go see Tian Ling and see what he said. I no longer wanted to see him waking up like this. I don't care what we had to do or what it was going to take, I was willing to do it just to end these nightmares. I was aware that this might take longer to resolve but even if he went one extra hour of sleeping without waking up screaming, it was an improvement and it was worth going to him. 

As Jake laid in bed all covered in sweat, I got up and picked out an outfit for him to wear. I got myself dressed and picked my hair up in a ponytail. I handed Jake his outfit and he put it on as I took all the other clothes to the laundry room to get washed. I feel like I had a baby in the house again where the machine had to be on almost every single day, but every time he woke up he was covered in sweat. When I came back in the room, Jake was dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed with his face in his hands.