In The Blink Of An Eye

Unbearable Pain

Jake looked at me and I looked back at him. I could feel my heart pounding so hard as I held tightly to her hand. As we continued to walk, we went to Evan's grave first. It was closer to the entrance so we decided to stop there. The minute I saw his grave, I broke down crying. Jake held me tight and Lilli held onto my hand. I couldn't believe that I was breaking down this much in front of them but I felt like they were there for a reason and that reason was for them to be my strength. Lilli, at such a young age was my rock that day. The memory of the day we buried him came flashing through my mind and all I saw was him being put down in the dirt and I saw myself crying and screaming on top of my lungs. It felt like I was right back to that day again as I stood over his grave years later. 

God, how badly I wanted to see him one more time. How badly I wanted to see him holding our daughter and playing with her the way he should be right now. Each day that passed without him was like another band-aid that got applied to the wound just to cover it up but never allowed it to heal completely. One band-aid on top of the other, layer by layer making it more bearable to handle the pain but knowing that the minute that band-aid got ripped off, the wound would be wide open and start bleeding all over again. Jake, Lilli, my family and friends, the MWAF, Silas and Daron and all my everyday life were the band-aids. The band-aids that made it possible to live and have a life without thinking about the pain. I didn't have the time to sit and think about the pain, the sadness or the emptiness that they left in my heart the minute they passed away. 

I had to learn to live, and love again. 

I was fine! I had learned to move on and have a life without thinking about the pain. Yet, here I was standing over his grave and instantly I was filled with the same amount of pain as the day he passed away. Time doesn't heal the wounds nor does it make the pain any less painful. No, it doesn't. Time just teaches you to live with the pain and find ways to cope with it thinking that you're okay and that you've healed. But, you never do. 

I love Jake, I love Lilli, I love my friends and my family. As crazy as my life is and has been, I love my life. So, no I wasn't missing Evan because I needed him to be happy or live my life. I was missing him because as much as I love Jake now, I loved Evan too. I was missing him because I wanted Lilli to have her dad and to watch their bond and love grow each and every day. I was missing the way he always knew how to make me feel safe and the way he loves Lilli and I. I wasn't missing him in order to replace Jake. I was missing him because the memories we made are ones that I can't ever forget. Even though I was making new memories and I was living a new life… My life with Evan is the one that will never be replaced. 

Seeing his tombstone, his name and date written on it made me realize just how fast the years had flown by. Nearly five years… five years had passed by in the blink of an eye. And just like that the next five years will also fly by and then another five more. Why do the days seem to fly by and you sit there and look back as you wonder to yourself how it all passed by so fast and how you missed so much of it? 

While we're so busy living our lives and always chasing something, how do we manage to miss so many minutes and hours and days and weeks without noticing it all pass by? 

Why do we realize just how important it is to enjoy each day to the fullest and never take a moment for granted only when it's too late or as I am standing over the graves or the people that didn't have enough time? Another minute, one more hour, one more day and a couple of more weeks or a couple of more years...that's what we all want right? Just a couple more!!! Yet, somehow it never seems like enough. It's never enough time to say I love you. It's never enough time to hug the ones you love, to be able to call them and hear their voices answer on the other side. It's never enough time to make memories and share laughter together while talking about the crazy things we did. To feel their love and kisses, to always have them by your side when you need them the most. To cry and to laugh, to argue and to make up, to smile and to frown or even scream and shout. No matter how many hours, days or weeks and years you get...it's never enough.