In The Blink Of An Eye

Dead On The Inside

With my dead, empty, soulless body, I had to find the strength to get up. Not for me. I honestly didn't care what happened to me from now on. But, I had to do it for my husband who was watching over me, I had to do it for my family and friends who were hurting over me, and mostly...I had to do it for my daughter who needed her mom more now, then she had ever before.

I took one deep breath and said,

"Babe, I miss you so much. I don't know how to continue my life without you. I don't know how to wake up without you by my side. I don't know how to fall asleep without your arms wrapped around me. I don't know how to eat breakfast or lunch or dinner and now look across the table and see you picking your food apart. I don't know how to smile anymore because it hurts to smile without you smiling back at me. I don't even know how to cry because you're not here to wipe away my tears and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I don't know how to look at our daughter and not see your face looking back at me. Babe, I don't know how to tell her to say goodbye, dada, every morning when you're not there anymore. How do I take care of our daughter all by myself without you there by our side. What do I do when our daughter turns two, and three and four and ten, and asks why her dad is not there for any of her birthdays. The only picture I will ever have to show her of you on her birthdays is just her first one. How do I look at your parents and not want to die a little more on the inside, knowing that they just got you back in their lives? How? Howww? How does our wedding date come, and instead of walking down the aisle holding your hand, I have to go to your grave and tell you how much I love you instead. I can't do it! I can't do any of it without you. Please give me the strength and the courage and the fight to push through this one day at a time. If you're watching over me, please help me out. I don't want to do anything without you anymore, but I can't give up on our daughter. So I need you to help me, I'm begging you. I love you more than any word in this world could describe. You're my dream come true."

Before I could even get out of bed, I broke down in tears as I held on to my chest.

That heartbeat that used to jump at every sight of him was now barely beating. I haven't been able to look at any pictures, I haven't been able to look at my wedding ring, nor have I been able to walk into our house or bedroom and see all his items still laying around our house. How would I ever be able to step a foot inside our house again and not see him coming out of every corner or running after me to tickle me all around the house? How do I walk into our bedroom and not see him sleeping there on that bed or get the image of every time we made love? How do I walk inside of our closet and see all of his clothes there and not hear him complaining how he has nothing to put on? How? How do I continue my life without the one person who made living this crazy life possible?

Suddenly, the words on that note appeared right in front of my eyes.

"You really messed up. Next time, I won't be so nice."

I froze in fear as the realization hit me like a million bricks.

My husband! He was talking about my husband when he said next time he won't be so nice. Evan didn't just die. He killed him.

He took the one person away from me that he knew would make this nightmare of my life manageable to live. He took away the one person who was always there for me when nobody else was. He took away the one person away from me who gave me the biggest blessing in life. He knew that the pain of losing him would kill me, and that's exactly what he wanted. He wanted me to die! But not just a regular death, no! He wanted me to slowly die for the rest of my life. Every time I looked at our daughter, he knew I would die more and more on the inside. He knew my life would be over the same day that Evan died, and he waited and planned everything until we knew what he was doing and how to do it without getting caught.