In The Blink Of An Eye

Signs

You shot the gun...you are lying on the floor, bleeding to death. Until you die, you're filled with nothing but sadness and regret. You wish you could take that moment back when you shot that bullet through yourself. You wish you could see your loved ones one last time. The thought of your loved ones walking into that room and finding you dead is now a repeating image in your head. Slowly bleeding out, everything around you starts to fade to black. All that suffering you have been going through seems almost bearable compared to how you feel the last few minutes before it all ends, forever.

Or...

You popped those pills. They won't kill you instantly. They can't no matter how many you took. It's going to take at least a few minutes before it's all over. Again, those last few minutes are spent in nothing but sadness and in regret. I doubt that a single person has spent those last few minutes dying happy, laughing, and smiling. Just then, at that time, did you see a better future you might have been able to have if you had just tried to get the help you wanted and needed.

Or...

You cut your wrists while sitting in the bathtub. As you slowly watch that clear water turn to sea of red, you start to wonder and think about the future you maybe could have had. Do you think that future in those last few minutes is a bad one? I think it's actually one filled with so many possibilities and endless happiness. The one you had been dreaming about for so long but thought would never be possible. You sit there looking at your cuts, hoping that someone will walk in any second and pull you out. I hope that it's not too late to save you, but you forgot that when you entered that restroom, you locked the door, making sure nobody did come in. Because going in, you hated your life, but now laying there bleeding to death, you wish you had just one more chance to live that same life you thought you hated so much.

The problem lies within us. Within everyone who is around that person. When someone commits suicide everyone talks about how they didn't see the "signs,"and they talk about how wonderful and great that person was. They blame themselves and feel bad and heartbroken. But... when that same person said they are "suicidal," we view things so differently. We don't want to help solve the problem. Actually, we always ignore that there even is a problem. We often say, "They won't do it," or "just wait...it will go away." We view it as something that's not serious. But, to the person who views suicide as the only option, it is very serious. Instead of being there at that time, helping them out, telling them how wonderful and great they are when they are "suicidal" might save them from actually committing "suicide." Being suicidal to being happy is a possibility, but committing suicide to being happy is impossible.

I don't know, I guess in my case, I just wanted the whole thing to end already because I couldn't see an ending to any of it. My life felt like a reverse nightmare, like when you woke up from a nightmare, you're relieved it was just a nightmare. But I was waking up into a nightmare.

Last night, I actually had a dream for once in a very long time instead of a nightmare. I dreamt about myself when I was a little girl. God, I was a happy child as most children are without a worry in the world. I saw myself running through a field of flowers and flying my kite. I was laughing as the wind blew through my hair, thinking nothing bad ever existed in this world. The only worry I had was how high my kite could go. I was so innocent and such a happy little girl, and then I woke up and realized that the once happy little girl had turned into a monster.

Once I woke up, I began to cry.

I was aware of my reality. I was aware of everything going on, but there were days when I would wake up, and it would feel as if the reality of it all would hit me for the very first time.

This morning was one of those days.

I woke up, and I felt more alone and sad than I had been in a while. I didn't even want to get out of bed. I didn't really have a reason to. What was I supposed to get up to? I didn't have parents who would greet me with a good morning. I didn't have a husband who would turn in bed and kiss me, and I didn't have a daughter who would be running towards me with arms wide open.