In The Blink Of An Eye

Training Day

When I talked about those moments earlier I forgot to mention just have fast those moments all pass by. In the blink of an eye they are all gone. One minute you're here and the next you're not. We all have those moments that we will forever regret but also the ones we will forever cherish. Most of us somehow manage to think of all the good ones because we are so focused and worried about the bad ones. But...would we be able to recognize and appreciate all the good moments if we didn't have bad ones to compare the good to? No matter what the moment is or how it is going, life becomes more meaningful when we realize that we will never have that same exact moment twice. We will never get the chance to repeat the same moment. So even the hard ones we must learn to appreciate and be grateful for we don't know that from one horrible moment might come hundred wonderful moments.

Dalai Lama said" there are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly live".

For the past few years I've done the exact opposite of that. I've lived for the past and the future but I forgot to live for the present. I was so worried about the past and I was wondering about the future that I didn't live in the moment. Even all the great things that happened to me during this horrible time of my life I didn't enjoy truly because during the times when I should have been the happiest, I was still sad and hurt. Nothing at that moment was painful or hurtful, what hurt me was the thought of what my future could hold and the memories of what my past held.

Let me give you an example. The day I gave birth to Lilli was by far one of the most incredible and happiest days of my life. I was so happy to be a mom and to finally hold this sweet little girl in my arms. As happy and overjoyed as I was, all my happiness quickly turned into fear and worry when I remembered that the minute I stepped foot out of the hospital I was back into the place where someone could turn my life as a new mom into my worst nightmare and fear.

The day I got married was also one of the happiest days of my life. I was excited and crazily in love, not just with Evan but with our lives together. The thought of being his wife made me so happy that I couldn't wait to marry him. Nothing should have ruined that day, nothing. However, once again all that happiness and joy I felt were turned into anxiety and stress as I thought about the fact that in order to hurt me, the person who was after me would now be after Evan.

So I was going to enjoy every single second of this current happiness before this somehow got ruined as well.

After all, with this new mission I had no idea how much longer any of this was going to last...including our lives.

We all spent the remainder of that day together with Lilli. Finally having her here with me was the only thing I wanted to focus on and spending time with her again. I couldn't get myself to get out of his room and do anything else. Whatever we had to do could wait until the next day because from now on, my daughter always came first.

Now I wish I knew that the next mission was because I would have definitely waited longer and spent more time with Lilli.

I woke up that Monday morning with Lilli next to me sleeping like an angel. I forgot how great it felt having her by my side and knowing that she was safe and okay. Seeing her sleeping so peacefully made me realize just how much I wanted all this mess to be over and how much I wanted our lives to go back to normal. I wanted to wake up next to her like this without having a single worry besides what we were going to eat for breakfast.

While Lilli was asleep, I dialed Jake's number. After he didn't answer a few times I figured he must have been asleep. This was probably the only time he was able to get a good night's sleep in many, many years. I decided to not bother him anymore because I didn't want to wake him up. He would just call me back later on. I got out of bed and walked to the hallway where I saw Viktor. He must have been used to waking up early because everyone else seemed to still be asleep.