In The Blink Of An Eye

It's That Time

For so long all I kept saying was how I didn't want any more children and that Lilli was going to be my only one. Now, holding Sofia and seeing the way Jake looked at me and how happy he seemed, I was starting to think that maybe I was wrong. At the time I didn't think I was ever going to see the day when MWAF was out of my life or that I was going to be alive to see it happen. 

I'm not saying I wanted a baby now or that I was even ready to have one but, one day down the road maybe it would be nice to have another little one. 

This time, I would get to be the mom I always wanted to be but didn't get the chance to be with Lilli. Plus, I wanted to make Jake a biological father as well as the wonderful dad he was right now. I don't know. I guess it's something that we will have to think and talk about. I was just happy to see that I had changed my mind. God knows I've never wanted to have only one child. It's just that at the time with everything going on, I couldn't even bare thinking of bringing another kid into this world only to watch it go through the things Lilli had to go through. 

I've never for a single minute regretted having Lilli but I did say a million times that I wish I had her at a different time just because I didn't ever want her to go through all of the things she had to do at such a young age. 

But looking back at everything, I can honestly say that she was my saving grace. 

She was my strength through everything I've experienced. Even when I wanted to give up the most, I didn't because of her. She might have come into this world at the wrong time but she came into this world when I needed her the most and I'm sure that God knew that. When I lost Evan, every single time I looked at Lilli… I saw him. His eyes, his smile, her personality, the way she moved and did certain things was like watching Evan. She kept Evan alive for me and still does to this day even when he is no longer around. 

Lilli has been my rock and as much as I wish she wasn't born when she was, I know that without her I wouldn't have been able to get through any of it. 

I was so into my thoughts that I completely lost track of all reality, until Sofia cried. When I heard her cry I snapped back into reality and heard what Jake was saying to me. 

"Did you not hear me ask you if you wanted me to take her out of your arms?"

"Omg I am so sorry. I totally got lost in my own thoughts."

"I noticed! Sofia was moving around a lot and you just blacked out like you were gone."

"Here, please watch her let me go use the restroom. I can't believe I zoned out like that with a child in my arms. She could have fallen and got hurt! What the hell was I thinking?"

"Madi relax, she didn't. I was right here the entire time. I wouldn't have let her fall. What were you thinking about?"

"Nothing! I just zoned out. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Here, give her to me and you go use the restroom."

I handed Sofia over to Jake and walked over to the restroom. I didn't need to use it, I just wanted to wash my face and stop myself from crying. I felt horrible! All these memories kept rushing through my mind and bringing up wounds that I thought I had healed from. Then out of nowhere I remembered that I will be going to my mom's grave for the first time and I bawled out crying. I knew she was gone the same way I knew Evan was gone, but I haven't had the chance to go to her funeral or grave ever since she passed away. I don't know how I was going to handle going there and seeing her grave along with Evan's. 

Actually, I was scared that Evan's grave would be empty. Could it be possible?? No! I was now putting all kinds of dumb things in my head that I knew weren't possible.