In The Blink Of An Eye

Belief In God

Remember when Silas died? How could you feel him? How I knew he was around because I could smell him, I could just feel his presence around? I never once felt that with Evan! Maybe because I still didn't want to accept that he was gone, or maybe it was just Evan's way of protecting me. I'm not sure if feeling him around me would have made things easier or much, much harder. Actually, I don't know how much harder it could even get? 

Honestly, I don't know what I felt.

It was hard to describe the feelings I was going through. No words seemed good or strong enough. It's like being sad was one thing, but what I was feeling was something completely different. Being alone was one thing, but how I felt was something I couldn't even describe. I don't know if I was mad, sad, lonely, depressed, broken, or just straight empty. I think I was all of it and so much more. 

I've never been the type of person who considered myself too religious. I guess the simplest way I would describe it is that I believed in God, and that was it. I wouldn't say it was a good thing or a bad thing, I guess it all depended on who you asked, right? Some people would say that I was horrible and that I should have prayed more often or did more to strengthen my relationship with God. Others would say I was crazy for even believing in God. Even with everything I had been through in my life, I never once doubted God's existence. Most people would have, I guess. But, not me. I looked at everything as a lesson or test or some kind of crazy life experience we all had to go through. 

However, sitting here in this empty room with nothing but my pain, thoughts, misery, sorrow, and tears... For the first time in my life, I didn't know if I believed in God. 

I kept telling myself, "If there is a God, why? Why would he take him away from us? Why would he make me suffer like this? Why would he leave my daughter without her father? Why would he leave his parents without a single child? Why? Why? Why?" Those were the questions that kept replaying over and over again in my head. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't come up with a logical or reasonable answer. 

I was mad at God!!! 

So much so that I stopped believing in him. 

I just felt that if there was a God, he wouldn't have done this. He wouldn't have separated us in a way in which we got separated. He would have allowed my daughter to grow up with her dad by her side. He would have allowed Evan and I to get married and live our happy lives. He would have allowed an incredible person like Evan to grow old next to the people he loved. Instead, there was not a God. There were evil, selfish, cruel, psychotic, crazy, heartless monsters who walked among us in the form of humans and took the people we loved away. They were the ones who made people sad, mad, lonely, hurt, and wanting to end their own lives. There were monsters, or devils, all around us. 

Angels were people like Evan. The ones that made people happy. The ones who helped others and wanted everyone to live their best lives. The people who took every opportunity they had to make someone smile. The people who walked this earth to make it a more positive place and the ones who were born with a heart made out of gold. Evan was that angel. The person who these monsters couldn't have to get a hold of. 

I wasn't just mad at God, I was also mad at my own mind. 

My mind was working against me. For months and months, it let me relive all the traumatizing, scary, horrific moments in my life. It let me see these monsters every time I closed my eyes. Yet, not once in the past twelve days have I dreamed about Evan and our incredible memories we shared and built together. It wasn't fair!!! 

As I lay there all alone, missing him, I fell asleep. 

I woke up within a few short hours, way before anybody else was awake in the house. I don't know what woke me up, but I woke up wanting to scream and cry on top of my lungs. The pain of missing him was becoming unbearable!!!