In The Blink Of An Eye

All The Firsts

Evan and I got to share a lot of our firsts with her by our side. We shared her first breath of life, the first hour in our arms, her first week, and then her first month. Her first baby checkup was the first time she spit up all over us, the first time she used her pacifier and then her bottle. We shared her first smile, coo and giggle, first official stroller ride, her first time at the park and at the store. Her first time trying solid food, first time rolling over and sitting up unassisted, and then the first time she crawled and then stood up. Her first walk, her first word, her first little tooth, and when she first attempted to feed herself. Her first time she got a fever, and we both completely freaked out. First time she tried a lemon which we both died laughing because of the faces she made, and the first time she accidentally swallowed a spicy pepper and cried, while Evan and I cried right along with her and lastly one of our last memories together, her first birthday.

All the incredible experiences and feelings that we had with her in the first year of her life.

But what's one year out of many, many more to come?

Evan wouldn't be there to share all those joys along our side, but...I had to be the one who got to do it and enjoy it for both of us as he watched from high up above.

As many firsts as we got to share together, there were plenty more first to come that I had to be there to witness. In order to do that, I had to be strong.

Imagine the first day of school? Or how about her first time riding a bike? The first time she gets a pet, and the first time, she makes a best friend. Her first school performance was her first sleepover and her first time at a party with her friends. Maybe she'll enjoy sports, and I would have to be there for her first tryouts and the first time she made a score. Her first time staying home alone and the first time she told me about her "crush." Not to mention the stress of when she gets her first boyfriend and her first heartbreak and kiss. Before I knew it, my baby would be graduating high school and applying to her first choice of college. The first time, she sits behind the wheel of a car and starts to drive as I stand back and pray that she makes it home alive. Her first day at her new job and her first time getting married and giving birth to her first child.

As painful as all those things were going to be without Evan by my side, I had to find a way to make sure I was there to witness them all.

I didn't know how much longer I had, especially with someone trying to take my life away. If I didn't get to enjoy all her firsts right now, I would never get to enjoy them once it's all over. As we know, unfortunately... we don't get to go back and redo things all over again.

As I was feeding my daughter, while she laid her little tiny hand on my arm, I heard a soft knock on the door. It was my mom.

"Honey, Richy and Jessy are here. They just walked in a minute ago."

"I'll be down soon."

I was definitely stalling going down. Even after Lilli was fed and changed, I couldn't force myself to take a step outside.

This would be the first time seeing them ever since Evan died, and I wasn't ready to look them in the eye without completely breaking down. I was aware that they would bring back memories I wasn't ready to face. They would bring back up facts that I didn't want to think about, and when I saw them, I would remember the wedding I won't get to have.

I picked up Lilli, kissed her, and said,

"It's the two of us now, baby girl. Let's do this thing called life together. One step at a time."

I walked downstairs to see Jessy and Richy sitting down with my parents. As soon as they saw me, their whole mood and expression changed. It's as if they felt that they weren't allowed to smile. Plus, I saw the way they looked at me. I was different! I wasn't the same person they saw last time who was happy, smiling, having a great time, whose face was bright and hair was always made. Whose body was a lot heavier and cheeks fuller. No! Now, I didn't look anything like that.