In The Blink Of An Eye

Dragonflies

I took one deep breath and a sip of water that was right in front of me and began with the eulogy. I was the one who wrote it. I don't know how or with what strength, but I finished it last night. 

"Good afternoon, and thank you to every single one of you for being here. My name is Madisyn for those who might not know me. Losing Evan has been one of the most difficult and challenging things I have ever been through in my life. My husband was a great man, and I'm sure every single one of you who got to meet him knew just how great he was. It was his mission in life to make everyone around him happy and help people every chance he got. As I'm standing here, I am reminded of a quote by Helen Keller that says "That we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes part of us." Evan has become part of me in ways I can't even describe. He is actually the reason why I am standing here today. He is my saving grace, my strength, my courage, my hero, and my home. Many people refer to someone who is no longer here using the term "was." So many of you are probably wondering why I didn't say he was my strength and my courage or my hero and my home. Because he wasn't. He still is and will forever continue to be." 

I could tell that people were crying, and as I wiped the tears off my face, I continued. 

"I remember the first time I met Evan—he was a doctor at the hospital where I had lost a friend of mine. I couldn't stand him. He kept on making me go eat and get sleep, which were the last things I wanted to do. As hard-headed as I was, he never gave up on me. Through all the times he absolutely annoyed me and stood by my side when I was all alone, we fell in love. I never doubted the love I had for him. But, I didn't know how crazy in love I was until I watched him hold our daughter in his arms for the first time. Knowing that she won't get to grow up with Evan by her side is what hurts me the most. He was so excited and in love with being a father. He was a great friend, son, spouse but...he was an excellent father. I was actually jealous of how much Lilli loved him and preferred him over me. I guess there are days when I wish I was the one who was here laying in this casket instead of him. I guess Lilli would have had a better life with him around. He was stronger, more positive, more courageous, and Lilli's best friend. I don't know how I will ever be able to fill his shoes and replace the bond the two of them had." 

I had to stop for a quick break to wipe the tears off my face and drink some water because the knot in the back of my throat was making it hard to breathe. 

"It's true what they say. We don't know what we have until it's gone. There isn't a day I wish I could go back and tell him how much I love him, how much I appreciate all the things he's done for me. To hug him just one more time, to look into his beautiful blue eyes. But that's life. We don't get a chance to go back. We are left with questions of what if and could have and would have. I hope Evan is watching over us and knows just how much he was loved and will be tremendously missed. I will not go a single day without telling our daughter all about him. She might not get to grow up with her father by her side, but she will know all about her dad and how wonderful of a man he was."

With the very last bit of strength left in me before I completely broke down, I continued. 

"Once again, thank you to every single person in here for coming. I invite anybody who would like to say anything to please do so. It doesn't matter how long or short, if Evan made any kind of impact on your life and you would like to say anything, please come up and do so at this time."

I was surprised to see how many people stood up. I knew for sure that if Evan was now watching down on us, he would be happy to know how much he meant to all of us and how much of an impact he had on our lives. 

As I listened to each person standing up and speaking, I was in complete tears. Honestly, at one point, I thought I was going to pass out. I don't know where I found the strength to stand up there and speak. But when his parents got up there, I totally lost it.