In The Blink Of An Eye

It's Still Him

God!!! I just wanted my memory back and I wanted to remember things from that day. Not because any of it made any difference now but mostly because I wanted to know the truth for myself.

I didn't want to blame them if they were actually there to save me just as much as I don't want to forgive them if they were there to cause me harm.

All I knew was that my whole life had been turned upside down and it felt like everything I had ever known was one huge lie. Why would they all save my life if at the end they were all going to be the ones to watch me as I died? Silas jumped in front of the bullet on that cold empty hallway that night to save me from the bad guys. Jake saved not only my life but also my daughters life that night those men were in my house. He also saved my life when I jumped into that river and tried to kill myself. Daron shot and killed Ted in order to protect me from him that night at the hotel. Why??? The more I thought about things the less any of this made any sense.

I spent hours and days thinking and trying to go back to that night of the incident to remember and the harder I tried the less I accomplished anything. I was drawing a blank. Everyone just kept telling me to take it easy and that my memory would come back but it all felt like a lie. Every day that I woke up with no new memory it felt like a disappointment not only for myself but for everyone involved. I even tried writing down my thoughts and recollections in hopes that I could somehow connect the dots and some kind of miracle would happen where I would magically remember everything, but it didn't.

As each day passed by I had to fight myself. My brain against my heart, the constant battle of the two. Every time I saw Jake I wanted to scream and get up and smack him so hard while I told him that I never wanted to see him again while at the same time my heart felt like it was going to explode from the desire to hug him and hold him in my arms. I felt like I was going insane and that I was losing all control of myself and the reality around me.

He tried to kill me...he hurt me. How could I ever want to be anywhere near him again???

Then I would look at him and even with all the rage and anger inside of me, there was something in the way he looked at me that set my heart on fire.

I kept going against myself trying to figure out the right thing to do or say. One part of me was certain that he was the man I loved and that he would never do anything to hurt me while the other side of me was sure that he was there that night and that he tried to kill me. There were days when all I wanted was to call him and tell him to come just so he could hold me in his arms the way he always did. Then there were days when even the thought of him sent a wave of hatred and anger over me. I spent day by day in that hospital room wondering about my life and how things got to this point? The one thing I couldn't get out of my head was his face, the image of those burns that covered his face and neck were left engraved in my brain. Every time I closed my eyes that's the only thing that I saw. I began to wonder if my family had anything to do with the way he looked? I mean he was clearly holding some kind of grudge towards my family for some reason and I couldn't figure out what that reason was until I saw his face. It was at that moment where I began to think to myself if my parents knew more than they were telling me. They were my parents, why weren't they more concerned and worried about the fact that I had gotten myself involved in some random case of a missing girl? Why didn't they try harder to stop me? I always thought it was the fact that my parents knew how I was and that once I had set my mind to something there was no way of changing it but now... I was beginning to think it had nothing to do with that and everything to do with the fact that my parents knew something that they were hiding from me.

But what?? What was it they didn't want to tell me or were hiding from me?

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was in the hospital when Jake came to visit me even though he was sure he was going to turn right back around since I wouldn't even let him get close to me. Let's just say that it was a miracle that I did. I don't know if it was one of those days where I wanted to believe him or if it was the medication I was on but whatever it was, I let him in the same room with me without screaming and kicking him out.