In The Blink Of An Eye

Eternal Sleep

The reason I couldn't sleep was because tomorrow Lilli and I were going to visit them for the first time since they passed away. I wasn't scared of going, not like I've never been to a grave before but, I was very nervous.

I wasn't even here when my mom's funeral happened so this would be my first time seeing her grave. I don't know how I was going to feel the minute I saw her grave and her name written on that tombstone. Even though I saw Evan get buried with my own eyes I swear it still felt unreal at times. Somehow, I expected him to show up and tell me that he's never been gone. Now imagine how unreal it felt for my mom who I never even saw get buried. Every single day of my life I expected her to show up from somewhere and hug me as she told me that she had to keep me and herself safe so she was in a hideout. I pray that I will hear her voice out of the corner of the house calling my name the way she always did before. Every single loss hurts and it leaves a broken piece in your heart that will never mend. But, nothing so far has been as painful as losing my mom.

I know that at the time when Evan died it felt like my whole world ended and that things could never get any worse. Of course the pain of losing him will never go away and he will live in my memories for as long as I am alive. After all, Lilli was his twin and the older she got the more she looked and acted like him. However, losing my mom was the type of pain that I couldn't endure. It was a type of pain that I can't even describe and the fact that I had to leave and never even made it to her funeral, it killed me.

I was so distracted and drawn into my memories and thoughts that I didn't even realize how long I had been on the balcony. It was already morning and I hadn't slept at all. The only reason I even realized it was morning was because of Jake.

"Babe?? When did you wake up?" He asked.

"Omg you scared me!"

"Did you even sleep?"

"No I didn't. What time is it?"

"It's six in the morning...what are you still doing up?"

"I couldn't fall asleep. I don't know. I guess I just have a lot on my mind. I didn't want to wake you and Lilli up so I came out here."

"What's bothering you the most?"

"It's not bothering me I'm just a little concerned how I am going to handle going there today with Lilli. I'm scared that I'm going to break down and scare her."

"It's normal to cry and Lilli is going to understand. She is a very smart girl for her age and very emotionally aware. You can't worry about that."

"I know. I guess the truth is I'm more worried about myself than I'm worried about her. It's going to be my first time going there since they left and I don't know... I just don't want to accept that it's real."

"Who, your mom or Evan?"

"Both I guess. It's crazy because I saw him get buried. God! I wanted him to be alive so bad that j was even okay with him being the MWAF. How crazy, right?"

"It's not crazy. You loved him and he is the father of your child. It would be crazy if you didn't feel the way you do."

"I said I wanted to go alone with Lilli but I actually wanted to ask if you would be willing to come with us?"

"Are you sure? I know how badly you wanted to have that alone time with them. I'm fine with you two going alone I promise. I just don't want you to get dizzy or weak and for Lilli to see you like that."

"That's actually why I need you to go. Plus, my mom is your mom now too so you might want to go visit her as well."

"I don't mind visiting Evan either just so you know. I'm not jealous or mad at him for loving you first. I'm actually glad that someone was able to love you and be there for you when I couldn't be."