In The Blink Of An Eye

Forgotten Memories

I was so excited to become a dad. All the emptiness and loneliness I left my entire life, I felt like a part of me was missing. That is until Madisyn walked into my life. She made my life into something I had never imagined it would be. I was happy being in love with her and spending our entire lives together, then came along Lilli. I've never thought about having a family or having children because I just never thought that I was made for that type of lifestyle. I was constantly running and hiding around so that those thoughts never crossed my mind. However when I met Lilli all of that changed. For the first time I actually imagined myself as a father and instantly I knew that as much as I was happy with just Madisyn and Lilli in my life, I wanted to experience that special feeling of becoming someone's dad. Of course Lilli called me her dad and I love her as if she was my own but I wanted to also experience seeing my son or daughter being born.

Unfortunately...that's never going to happen now.

The thing is, I lied. I didn't tell Madisyn the entire truth because I don't have the heart or the strength to tell her.

I don't want to tell her because I don't want to see that pain on her face when she hears the news but honestly...I don't see a point in telling her right now. I would have to tell her the same news over and over again every single day just to watch her break apart into a million pieces in front of me as I felt completely useless and helpless.

Once Madisyn's brain swelling and bleeding subsided, the doctors woke her up from her coma. However, shortly after it was very clear that something was very wrong. Madisyn not only acted differently but she couldn't remember anything. The doctor nor I really expected her to know or remember anything from the accident because as soon as it happened she was rushed to the E.R and put under medically induced coma. It wasn't until she started asking the same questions over and over again that we noticed something was not okay.

It was the day of her waking up from the coma that I noticed this behavior. At first I thought nothing of it and figured it was just the side effect of the medication and the accident. Of course as you can imagine she asked me why she was there and she asked about our unborn baby and about Lilli and when I told her she lost it and broke down. It was something that I had prepared myself for the entire time she was in the coma. However one thing I didn't see coming nor could I have prepared myself for was what happened once she fell asleep. She was fine while she was awake, she was in a lot of pain and disbelief and of course shocked and confused but she remembered everything we had talked about. It was the minute she closed her eyes to take a nap or go to sleep that things changed. After spending hours crying when I first told her the news she got worn out and fell asleep. I remember feeling relieved and happy that she was able to calm down and get at least a couple of hours of sleep because she needed it. I sat next to her on the side chair as I watched her sleep thinking to myself how much I wanted her to be happy and how no matter what she did or how hard she tried, everything seemed to be against her.

I remember being mad at God and asking him why he allowed her to go through so much only to take away more and more each time she finally got a piece of happiness? I remember thinking to myself how I would give anything in the world just to go back and change our route or how much I wish Madisyn had to spend extra time using the restroom that morning because then we wouldn't have been at the same place and time with that pickup truck. I've always heard stories of people who ran late or missed a flight or slept in and missed an important event just to find out that a tragedy happened and they were the lucky ones. I couldn't help but wonder what our lives would have been like if we ended up sleeping in that morning or if we had low gas and had to stop by to fill it up? I can't help but wonder what our baby would have looked like or what we would have named him or her. So many different thoughts run through my head daily as I watch Madisyn struggling to remember every single one.