In The Blink Of An Eye

Dying Twice

People say that death occurs twice. The first time when you take your last breath and the second time when someone says your name for the last time.

For me it happened as I watched her take her last breath.

Death doesn't just happen when you physically die, that kind of death is a natural part of life. Death also happens when you die on the inside while you're still alive. Except that death is something that never ends. You don't get to just close your eyes and all the pain goes away. I died that night when the bullet went through her and she fell to the ground and she took her last breath in my arms.

From the day I met her, she was special. Not just the kind of special people say when they meet someone new, she was special in ways that I still find hard to comprehend. Madisyn was the type of person who always wanted everyone to be okay even when she never was. She always wanted everyone to be happy even when she wasn't at all. She had a heart of pure gold. A heart that is never replaceable by another one. A heart that she got shot at that night. The heart that I will love for the rest of my life.

It's me, Jake.

I wasn't aware that Madisyn was writing a story about her life, about all our lives. I guess she stood up hours after everyone was fast asleep and wrote. She normally had a hard time falling asleep and when she did, nightmares usually woke her up. Maybe she felt like she couldn't talk to anybody about everything that really went on in her head. Maybe I wasn't there for her in ways I should have been. Maybe she was even scared to admit how much pain she was really in. I didn't know she wrote, not until I found this journal and read it for the first time.

It's crazy how she's been in my life in one way or another for years and it took me reading her journal to learn who she really was. I knew she was scared. I mean how could she not be? I was scared for her too. I knew she was sad and heartbroken, I saw it in her eyes every day. I also knew that she had lost herself in the middle of all this. But, reading this journal opened my eyes to parts of her that I never knew. The pain, the heartache, nightmares, scars, tears, fears, sorrow, and the suffering that changed her one day at a time. I met Madi a long time ago and at the beginning she was herself but as each day passed, I lost her more and more. Not just physically lost her, I lost her mentally and emotionally too. She went from being herself to someone who just lived inside of Madisyn's body. As hard as I tried to act blind to the fact that my Madisyn was gone, I still saw her changing every day. I felt like she was slipping through my hands and I had no idea how to stop it from happening.

I didn't see the Madi that I first met not until she took her last breath.

As she laid in my arms bleeding to death, I saw her. I saw that Madisyn I had fallen in love with, the one who turned my life into something I'd never thought I'd have. She taught me how to love, how to open up myself, to trust, and to let my heart feel things that I had kept hidden inside for years. She gave me happiness that I didn't even know was possible. She also gave me a family, one that I had lost a long time ago. She was my best friend, lover, partner and my family. She not only gave me all those things but she also gave me something I could never have without her, Lilli.

Speaking of Lilli, she is by far one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I wasn't her father, not biological father but I loved her as if I was. I never once saw the difference in the way I was supposed to love and care for her just because I didn't make her. For all I knew, she was my daughter. I've heard Madi say a million times how Lilli was a copy of Evan and she really was. She was his twin, physically. But, every time I saw Lilli all I saw was little Madi. The way she talked, the way she acted, how smart and witty she was. Her sense of humor, and her heart of gold that she got from her mom. Every time I looked into her blue eyes that were the copy of Evan's, I saw Madisyn. Lilli might have reminded Madi of Evan, but she now reminds me of Madi.