In The Blink Of An Eye

Time Flies By

TEN YEARS LATER...

Here I am once again except now I'm much older. Can you believe it's been ten years since? It's hard to believe that much time has passed by. Sometimes I look back over all the years since I first started on this journey and it feels like things happened yesterday. The pain, the memories, the loss and the tears still feel so fresh at times that I can hardly understand how it's been ten years since I said goodbye to that part of my life. Well, at least I thought I did. The truth is that no matter how hard I try to forget things and leave them in the past, Duskwood and everything that happened to me will forever be a part of who I am.

I must have asked myself the same question a million times "do I regret ever opening that text message and getting involved the way I did?"

The short answer is no, I don't. However it's not that simple...I guess things never are. I would be lying if I said I didn't regret some of the choices I made or the way I handled certain situations. I could have done things differently which may have led me on a whole new path in life. The path would have been a different one that much I am sure of. What I don't know is if that path would have been a better or worse one for me. All that to say no, I don't regret it but at the same time I can't lie and say that I haven't wondered a thousand times what my life would have been like if I hadn't answered that text message.

Just the other night I was lying in bed and I couldn't fall asleep. I was tired but so many thoughts and memories kept running through my head that I began to cry.

I'm not saying that I'm not happy where I'm at in life at the current moment, because I am. I just can't help but wonder if I had made one more mistake or a different step in my life, where I would be right now? I'm sure we have all done that throughout our lives! Even though we are all aware that we can't go back and change the past it doesn't change the fact that we all sit there and go back to the past and wonder. Wonder about how things could have or would have been. Wonder if we would end up with the same people in our lives or even if we would be where we are at now.

I read a quote that said "Forget who hurt you yesterday, but don't forget who loves you today. Forget the past that made you cry and focus on the present that completes your smile."

It must be true what they say, things are often easier said than done. I've tried...I've tried to forget it many, many times. But it seems the more I try to forget it, the more the past finds a way to sneak back into my present.

Ten...ten years ago today I started the chapter of Duskwood in my book. I started the pages to all the pain, tears, nightmares, loss, grief, heartache and sadness. I thought I was done! I wanted to be done so bad. There were a couple of times here and there where I grabbed the book and read back on all the things I've been through. Wow! That's all I ever said, just wow. Every single time I read the pages, the tears would immediately start to fall down my face. I thought to myself "come on Madisyn it's only been a few months, of course you're still hurt." However, those few months turned into a year and then two, then five. When I opened the book this time I didn't just cry, I took a pen and began to write. What I didn't realize at the time was that grabbing the pen and writing was not just a way to jot down all of my memories and feelings but it was also a way to help myself deal with everything I was going through. When I felt like I had nobody to talk to or when I felt unheard or unseen, I grabbed the pen and wrote.

So I bet you're wondering why I'm writing now...

I've had time to adjust to my new life and everything that is now a part of it. But it was hard! Oh God, was it hard as hell!!! I had a terrible time the first three or four years because it seemed that every month something new came out that I couldn't understand or accept. I've lived my entire life thinking one thing and now...well let's just say I feel like an entirely different person. Not only because so many things around me changed but mostly because with each one of those new things, I changed and I became someone who for a very long time I hardly recognized.