In The Blink Of An Eye

Years That Passed (Part II)

TWO ½ YEARS LATER

It's been almost three years since Evan died, and since my life, it has forever changed. There are two things in life that are sure to change you, and those things are love and grief. Falling in love with Evan made me a much better, caring, sensitive, emotional, and loving person. But losing Evan made me much stronger, resilient, determined, tougher, and more powerful.

Just the same way whenever I see the scar on my arm, I am reminded of Silas and the horrible thing that happened to him but also all the incredible memories I made with him, that's the same way whenever I see Lilli I am constantly reminded of Evan. How is he no longer with us, but also all the love and happiness I experienced with him that I never thought was possible.

They say that when you can tell a story and it doesn't bring any pain or tears, that's when you know you are healed.

It's been almost three years, and to this day, every time I mention Evan, I feel that same knot in the back of my throat. The pain doesn't get easier, the memories don't fade, the love is eternal and you somehow with each passing day learn to accept the absence that feels like a hole in your heart which you can never fill again. All that pain and sorrow becomes a part of who you are and your new life as you learn to live with it.

I didn't sell our house or move his things out of the house until two years after his passing. I tried many times, but the minute I would walk into that house or into his closet and see his clothes hanging, I turned right back around.

But, recently, with every strength that I had in me, I was able to pack his items in boxes and move them inside of my parents' house.

I moved in with them because no matter how much I tried, I didn't feel safe being alone with Lilli. Every noise I heard would freeze me in my path. My sister and brother were off to college, and it was just my parents in the house. I didn't want them to be alone, and I also didn't want to be alone with Lilli, so I just moved in with them.

Evan's parents are still at their house here close to my parents, I visit them and they come visit us all the time. They are very much involved in both of our lives, Lilly and I. They changed after Evan's death, but I can't blame them. I changed too.

It took them a while to be able to come and see Lilli. Not because they didn't want to, but because seeing her was just too much of a painful reminder of the son they lost.

Lilli is turning 4 in two months. She has grown up to be a beautiful, special, most kind-hearted, and caring little girl. She truly has a heart of gold that makes every single day of my life a true gift that I get to share with her by my side.

She knows all about her dad. I have been showing her pictures and telling her stories about him ever since he passed away. I am not convinced that souls are able to come and visit us from the other side. Lilli can describe things about Evan that I never mentioned to her or that she wouldn't know through pictures. Shortly after his passing, she began to call out to her dad all the time. At first, I thought it was just because she didn't know many other words. But, the older she got, the more convinced I was that she saw him around.

There were so many times when I would catch her talking to him or laughing on top of her lungs. One day, she came up to me and asked, "Mama, why does daddy always say that you are his dream come true? Can people who are in heaven dream?" When she said that, I got shivers that passed all down my spine, and I couldn't help but cry. She was a year and three months old when her father passed away. She didn't know that Evan and I used to say that after each conversation.

After she asked me, I looked at her and said "your daddy says that I am his dream come true because he used to wish all his life that you and I would find him and be with him. Yes, honey, I think people in heaven can still dream, and I'm sure that your dad will always dream about us until we find him again."