Why am I never enough??

part 111

Dejuane pov:

when derek left i sat the in a chair next to y/n just holding her hand and crying and thinking about all the things i've done wrong that i might not be able to make up for and the tears just kept going no matter how hard i tried to stop it's just that the thought of losing her hurt so much knowing that i wouldn't be able to see her beautiful smile, or hear her amazing giggle, or see the sparkle in her eyes when she was excited or seeing the way she walked like she had all the confidence in the world and where she always took up for me and the group and somehow we always took it for granted and now we might not be able to tell her how much we care for her and it's all my fault ever since everyone left i've been crying and i haven't stopped or left her side nor have i eaten, it was just overwhelming if i would've just left malu the first day she hit me then i wouldn't have to worry if y/n would be ok or not but i was dumb and naive and i stayed with her and she used me and fell for every lie she told me, she told me lies like that the guys and y/n were bullying her and that y/n doesn't like her and all that when the whole time malu was the one that didn't like y/n or anyone that i considered family and now that i finally realize it might be too late once, i got out my thoughts and still a crying and shaking mess the group came in and they looked at y/n who was still laying still with her eyes closed and on life support then they looked at me

Nia: i know this is hard on you dejuane but you have to sleep or something this is hard on your kids too and they need you right now
Dejuane: i'll see them later i'm not leaving y/ns side
Mike: bro we get we knew her before you and we love her maybe even more but if things happen and she doesn't make it th-
Dejuane: DONT FUCKING SAY THAT STOP SPEAKING SHES GONNA MAKE IT AND NO ONE LOVES HER MORE THAN I DO FUCK LOVE IM IN LOVE WITH HER AND YOU WANNA TELL ME I MIGHT HAVE TO MOVE ON THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS LAYING STILL IN A FUCKING HOSPITAL BED ON LIFE SUPPORT AND YOU WANNA STAND THERE AND TRY TO SAY WHAT IF SHE DOESNT MAKE FUCK YOU MIKE
Mike: i didn't mean it like that and you know it
Dejuane: YEA YOU DID OR YOU WOULDNT HAVE EVEN SAID IT JUST LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME STAY WITH HER
Jared: dejuane please bro you look terrible and you need food
Dejuane: i'm gonna tell y'all one more time before i break all of y'all necks...i'm...not..leaving..her....side so fucking drop the whole discussion
Derek: but she's my girlfriend
Dejuane: derek i really don't give a fuck the amount of fucks i give is the amount of times i told malu i loved her which is 0 so please shut the fuck up little bitch boy
Derek: who the fuck are you talking to bitch
Dejuane: you the fuck

i was now in dereks face then he pushed me so i lifted my fist about to punch him in the face

Y: stop please

i look over with tears streaming down my face and i see y/n with her eyes barely open and she's speaking in a really low voice

Dejuane: OMG ARE YOU OK
Y: don't yell dejuane i'm fine
Dejuane: you scared the fuck out of me i missed you
Y: haha i missed you too
Dejuane: can y'all leave out real quick so i can talk to her
Sora: yea go ahead
Kobe: i love you bestie get better
Y: i love you too and all you guys
Vallyk: we love you too now just get better and come home to us
Y: haha for sure

the group leaves out then i sit back in the chair next to y/n and i hold her hand again as i cry even harder then y/n takes her other shaky hand and wipes my tears then puts her hand under my chin and smiles then she lays her hand back down

Y: don't cry you look so much better when you smile

i giggle a little and smile

Dejuane: thank you but y/n i need to talk to you
Y: alright
Dejuane: i just want to tell you because i don't know if i'll ever have the strength to say it but i'm still in love with you there wasn't a day that i didn't think about you or get jealous when you dated derek or when the guys were picking you and flirting with you i'm so sorry that i put you through so much shit and i can't take it back but i love you i really do you made me so happy while we were together and i don't regret marrying you i regret cheating on you then us getting a divorce one day i do plan on marrying you again and i promise you that and i for sure can keep that promise i love seeing you smile and giggle and just you walking past me makes me so freaking happy and when we broke up and you would sit next to me i would just wanna pick you up and give you all the kisses i could and when i saw you all dressed up i just wanted to rip all your clothes off and mark what's mine but i messed all that up when i cheated over and over again and i'm so sorry but my mom loves you and my dad and brother love you and you treat them like family and you're so sweet to them and i couldn't ask for a better person some might say right person wrong time but there wasn't a time that i was with you that i thought was the wrong time every time i was with you it felt right and amazing and like i could be myself around you and you've always took care of me and babied me when i wanted to or when i wanted cuddles and kisses you were always there smiling with me every step of the way i remember when you first kissed me it felt so magical that's why i kissed you again and every time i kiss you no matter how many times it feels like the first time all the time and it makes me so happy i love you y/n i really do
Y: well i'm happy to know you feel the same way lol but yes dejuane i love you to death there's never been a moment that i was with anyone else that i didn't think about how you did everything better and when i sat beside you or dressed nice i wish you would've done what you wanted but all the times you hurt me was the only reason i tried to move on because i saw how easily you replaced me and i wanted to put up this persona that i could easily do the same when no matter what i wanted to convince myself i always wanted to go back with you even when i bust in on you and malu nasty ass my heart would hurt seeing you with someone else because that's when it hit me that you were really done with me but i wish i would've known how you felt before i was laying in a hospital bed fighting for my life haha
Dejuane: i'm sorry i should've told you every chance i got how i felt about you and that's my fault but y/n just know i'm deadly in love with you and please never forget that i love you y/n
Y: i'm in love with you too dejuane and no matter what happens i love yo-

before y/n could finish she shut her eyes then her heartbeat goes flat and all i remember is shaking her begging her please not to leave me and telling her i loved her so fucking much then as i was breaking down and screaming the doctors came in trying to get me out but i kept on running back to her then they got more doctors to pull me out while i was crying and yelling and begging her to stay with me then they put me in the waiting room while i cried and broke down and screamed begging her to stay for me because i refuse to live without her in my life then while i still crying and screaming i call kobe

Dejuane: HER HEART RATE WENT FLAT AND THEY PULLED ME OUT THE ROOM AND WONT LET ME GO IN THEY WONT LET ME IN KOBE SHE MIGHT BE GONE AND THEY WONT LET ME IN
Kobe: calm down we're on the way stay strong for us please dejuane
Dejuane: SHE MIGHT BE GONE KOBE AND I CANT SEE HER, I REFUSE TO LIVE WITHOUT HER IF SHE DIES THEN IM GOING WITH HER
Kobe: no no dejuane we're coming just please wait for us we love you and if we lose y/n we can't lose you too and the kids need you dejuane they really do
Dejuane: but i'm nothing without her kobe
Kobe: and we'll help you find yourself if push comes to shove but until then we need you to stay strong

i don't say anything i just smash my phone against the wall and put my face in my knees and cry until the group comes and puts me in one big hug and i just sit on the ground with the group surrounding me while i just cried and cried

almost started crying in class 😭lol