Why am I never enough??

part 147

we walk out and we see dejuane yelling and crying about how ansley tried to kill herself and he was yelling in my face saying it's all my fault then when the ambulance came they left and mattia, kairi, kobe, alejandro, mike, vallyk, robert, derek, gabby, melissa, sharan, angel, and jale stayed with me telling me it's not my fault and just being there for me and watching the kids then hours went by and i decided the least i could do was go visit ansley and apologize so i told everyone then got in my car and headed to the hospital on my way there i thought multiple times that i should turn back around because i would probably make it worse but i decided i need to be the bigger person and do what i know is right so i continue driving and once i get there i get checked in then walk to her room and i knock on the door and once they open it i walk in seeing dejuane holding ansley hand and ansley talking to dejuane then they look up seeing me

Dejuane: why are you here
Y: i wanted to apologize to ansley
Dejuane: don't you think you did enough
Y: i know i did and i'm sorry that's why i came to apologize
Ansley: i don't want to hear it y/n you made me feel worthless and like i shouldn't be alive
Y: i know and i'm sorry i shouldn't have done that when i know the exact feeling
Dejuane: here you go again trying to make everything about you
Y: what i'm not even doing that
Ansley: y/n i'll never forgive you please just go
Y: but i really am sorry
Ansley: all i need is dejuane so please leave
Y: is this what this is another attempt to get dejuane further away from me
Dejuane: y/n this is not the time
Y: open your fucking eyes all she has ever been wanting is for her to drag you away from me without you even noticing and you're letting it happen
Dejuane: ENOUGH Y/N it's fucking pathetic at this point you came in here saying you wanted to apologize but you are just trying to say she's doing it to get closer to me when will you learn that the world doesn't revolve around you, you make everything about you when you almost killed yourself no one came in your room saying it was for attention so why are you doing it to ansley come on bruh you're an attention whore you swear you don't need or want it but you do whatever you can to get it just shut the fuck up no one cares you are literally the reason she's in here and if you can't tell everyone in this room knows that you are a terrible person i don't care how much you do for others in every situation you never fail to show your true colors i can't believe i married you or even had kids with you it was all a mistake you fucked my life up and you know it that's why you always came back to me because you knew if you didn't i would realize it but it's too late i know now so y/n do me a favor and stay out of my life i've had it with you and your lies and fuckery yea i've done messed up shit to you and i'm learning from that but other than that i want nothing to do with you i'll be there for my kids and what not but me and you are so fucking done so STAY OUT OF MY LIFE YOURE DEAD TO ME DO YOU HEAR ME DEAD TO ME FUCK YOU

i stood there letting dejuane tear me apart and rip every ounce of joy out of me and once it was all said and done all i could do was walk out with more tears than i've EVER cried dripping down my face and me trying to catch my breath and my vision being so blurry i couldn't see in front of me but once i made it to the car i got in driving back to the hotel and i walk through the door and just drop down to my knees breaking down and with every tear a memory of dejuane went with it and with every yell and scream my heart broke more from the words he said and mattia took the kids in the room while the others hugged me and told me it would be ok but it wasn't going to nothing ever would after what he said to me everything he said weighed down on me and it broke me every word he said every insult just hit a different spot in my heart until that was all it was filled with he belittled me in front of everyone and he didn't even care he even told me i was dead to him and that is what hurt way more than anything else i would've died for dejuane but i'm guessing the feeling was only one sided he's in there babying ansley while i'm on my knees crying and breaking and tearing myself apart and just thinking about how maybe i did mess everything up in his life maybe i deserved to be played and cheated on by while i was in my thoughts the boys kept trying to talk to me but this time i didn't want to tell anyone what he said because i knew if i repeated it then i would just break more so i just barely got up and went in my room closing and locking the door then getting in the shower with all my clothes on and crying as i laid there breaking i saw razors and i looked at them and held one in my hands just thinking about it then i just held on to it while i cried even more wanting to end it all but i knew i had to stay for the kids and that's what hurt the most how was i supposed to get over dejuane when i have 2 kids that look exactly like him but i love them just as much as i loved dejuane but i couldn't love someone who broke me apart and called me so many things that hurt me and made me feel like i shouldn't be here he said hurtful shit and i could never forgive him i would never say sum shit like that and it's so fucked up that obviously the feeling wasn't mutual but after hours and hours i got out the shower and walked into the living room soaking wet with red and puffy eyes and the razor so deep in my hands it was starting to make me bleed a little and dejuane and the others were back besides ansley

Mattia: y/n stop you're hurting yourself
Y: i want to go home please
Kairi: ok we can do that but we need you to be ok first
Y: i just want to go home and be in my own bed and go to sleep please bubs i don't want to be here anymore i just want to go home please i'm begging you i just want to be home and around the things that calm me down the most i can't be here no more i can't i really can't so please kairi if you don't do anything else for me please let this be it
Kairi: ok we'll go home let me just book our flights
Y: c can we drive p please
Kairi: yea we can do that anything you want ok
Y: thank you
Kobe: we'll come too but y/n we need you to stop hurting yourself please
Y: i i'm s s sorry

i drop the razor with tears still pouring and kairi comes and hugs me tight like he didn't want to ever let go and i just cried on his shoulder while he rubbed my back then he packed my bags and his then mattia, alejandro, robert, derek, vallyk, mike and kobe along with the kids and the girls packed there's and we rented a car and kairi started driving us home while i was in the passenger seat with my hand wrapped up and the others were in the back and i had my hand out the window with head leaned on it still crying then later i ended up crying myself to sleep

y'all are going to hate me 😈 anyways goodnight