Why am I never enough??

part 134

once me and kairi woke back up i signed my forms then we left out, my head was still hurting of course you don't get punched in the face and then become some type of magician to get it healed but it was whatever i guess but once we made it to the house and i got out, opening the door the kids ran up to me and i hugged them and told them i was ok and as i was speaking to them dejuane came in the living room with his bags and he tried to touch me but i got the kids and quickly walked away upstairs and kairi followed, i made it to my room and while the kids played and showed me their toys i had tears coming down my face like crazy

Kairi: why are you crying
Y: i feel bad
Kairi: for what
Y: kicking dejuane out
Kairi: y/n he hit you
Y: i know kairi but i just don't feel like i should've kicked him out
Kairi: what else would you do let him stay in your house and do the same shit to you in front of your kids and let him think that no matter how many times or what he does than everything will be ok in the end because that shouldn't be how it is y/n you're making him learn from his mistakes as you should and the only way for him to do that is the hard way
Y: i know i guess it's just the thought of him truly losing himself for good and then he becomes a totally different person and then i'm all alone
Kairi: you're never all alone y/n you'll always have me
Y: kairi i know that but that's what i mean
Kairi: then what do you mean
Y: never mind kai can we just talk about something else for now
Kairi: sure

me and kairi talk about other things but i don't think he'll ever get what i'm saying because i'm saying yea i know i'll never be truly alone but if dejuane changes completely then i have to raise the kids all by myself and i truly lose the person i loved more than myself and i know it's like omg he just hit you why do you miss him and it's like your mom hitting you a little too hard it doesn't change the fact that you love the death out of her but then again i don't know what dejuane feels when he thinks about me so that'll always be a question that remains in my head but honestly i don't know if there will be a me and dejuane again, would i like to see it happen?? yea a part of me does but at the same time it's mainly a will he do the same things to me thing and if the answer is no and it's sincere then maybe but as of right now i am raising the kids myself and i'm not about to sit here and act like it's not hard because it's definitely a challenge but there's also so much love and fun along the way that it makes you forget about all the bad times but while i'm in my thoughts kairi starts shaking me and i snap out of them

Kairi: hello y/n could you not hear me
Y: what did you say
Kairi: dejuane told me to give you this

when i look down kairi hands me an envelope and i open it and see a front and back long ass note so i fold it back and lay it on my nightstand so i can read it later

Kairi: why don't you just read it now
Y: i think i want to be alone when i read it
Kairi: what if it's something bad
Y: then so be it kairi but i want to read it when i'm completely alone if you don't mind
Kairi: that's fine i'm not gonna pressure you into reading it now
Y: thank you
Dj: mommy we're hungry
Y: ok come on

i pick them up and carry them downstairs then i make them food and i wait until they finish eating then i take them back upstairs and while they're in the room watching tv i go in dejuanes old room and close the door and sit down just looking around seeing everything of his gone then i walk in his closet and see he left his hoodie but not any hoodie he left the one that he knew was my favorite, all i did was pick it up and hold it in my hands while i sit on the floor just hoping he gets better then i ball it up to hide it and i walk in my room and quickly put it in my dresser

Kairi: what was that
Y: nothing just an old shirt of mine
Kairi: then why was it balled up
Y: because i might donate it i'm still debating
Kairi: are you lying
Y: no it's actually a old shirt i don't want no more
Kairi: if you say so

once kairi actually falls for the shit i was saying i laid on the bed with the kids and we watched movies well they did i was just sitting down in my thoughts constantly zoning in and out and the only think i could think about is the did dejuane go back to the old house or where did he go and i thought about calling the others but last time i let them in my business they either threw it back at me or threw it back at dejuane so i guess it is what it is but while i'm thinking i see kairi and the kids went to sleep then a cold breeze comes in from the air so i put on a hoodie and go look at my bandage in the mirror then i lay back on the bed looking at the ceiling over thinking so i turned on music but i put the volume low since they were already sleep and i just stayed looking at the ceiling and humming the words

why did i wake up in the middle of the night 😭💙