life updates for anyone who cares

trying to find my authenticity and individuality

in the amidst of trying to be the best DIL and wife, and daughter and crisis supporter and student and cook and baker... i find it hard to find time to myself. so here i am, had to wake up early otherwise my time alone is damned. there is no one here around me except me and the washing machine load i just put in.

we came back from my parents' house yesterday where both of us feel so much calmer and well-rested than when we sleep here bc its so congested and hoarded. so when we came back to our place last night, it was infuriating to him how much stuff his house hoards and keeps bc it is very evident that that is the stressful factor. it was good that he took the initiative instead of me bc it might have been taken the wrong way if i had said smth but bc its his parents' house they accepted the constructive-but-frustrated criticism and i was giggling in the background bc of how frustrated he was.

anyways.. so iA im going to sort out our room today, ive acc got quite alot to do today iA. i have to make breakfast, drop him off to work, go to the gym, come back at around 1.. when i have my group supervision from 1-3pm and then im going to clean our bathroom and sort out our room mainly... trying to find hangers and stuff so that i can hang my clothes and then place my bags on the top part of our cupboard. anyways then he will be home and help me with the rest iA. so pretty packed day.

anyways. yesterday, amongst discussing finances, my husband started to say smth and then stopped but i asked him to say it anyway and then he did.. he said "i realised what i was going to say was wrong but i know youre not going to leave me alone so i was going to say since youre getting $200 from centre---- every week, couldnt you cover some expenses (no, sir) but then i realised your money is your money and alhamdulilah we have enough"

now, although i appreciate that i didnt have to tell him that it was weird of him to ask me that and that honestly speaking.. how much is in my bank account is acc none of his business.... i dont respect the fact that he even entertained that thought in his mind. also bc its not the first time hes asked me that.. and its acc the third time.

the first time was when i told him i had $8k saved up (which honestly is not a lot) and he was surprised how i had that if i have no job and then i told him it was from centre---- he was still surprised and implied where i was gonna need the money but i stayed quiet. the second time was when he asked me directly what is the point of saving money and "where are you gonna use it?" again, not that it is any of his business but i told him i wanted to pay back my uni fees, my grad diploma and i wanna go overseas or buy my parents tickets to pakistan etc.

anyways i dont really enjoy him asking me that question, its not nice to have someone suddenly become cheap when it comes to you. and im not trying to be ungrateful, Alhamdulilah he does wanna buy me things but i have to stop him and he has bought me lots of things Alhamdullilah and he takes me out regularly too alhamdulilah but when he asks me about my bank account, i dont feel offended, i feel annoyed that he wants the easy way out. we are trying to budget and hes consistently just "throwing money around", he currently has $0 to spend bc hes invested like $10k in stocks and then he has a fine coming up that is another $200 that could've easily been avoided bc it is a fine for registration of the car under his name and another one for speeding.

also he spends money lavishly when it comes to his clothes and HIS appetite and HIS taste (even tho we're supposed to be on a budget and he has already gotten overboard) its just so weird that he wants me to lend him a hand financially. i dont like it.

i married a provider.  thats it. and if he would just mature up financially-wise and stop acting like hes still single and has no one but himself to look out for, i'd be feeling alot better.

now ik why many divorces happen bc of finances.

bc men cant understand that they have to spend on a woman... or even their kids. which is why Allah had to make it "worship" for them to do any of these. otherwise, men are extremely selfish, much more than women are.

and that reality is truly sad tbh. the other day he was reminscing about how im trying to help him mentally etc and he was doubting my intentions of helping him.. saying things like "youre doing it for yourself", "everytime you help me, it sounds like youre saying it to be an ideal etc" and i just sat there like damn you cant even try to help someone for the sake of it.

now ill be the first to admit that no matter what human beings do, we are created selfishly. even when we are giving sadaqah, we do it for OUR akhirah, not as much as the person we are helping and their dunya... bc that allows us to forget about the money. however, if we did it for dunya purposes, we'd count every penny.

idk... i started crying and told him he should stop projecting his negative outlook on life on me  just bc he feels crap and has to grow up etc. he understood that he was wrong but i think it was an important data point to consider. i dont want to glaze over this situation, honestly, but all it really was was him trying to make me feel crappy just like him. he doesnt like it when im happy and hes upset (codependency) and then if i start crying (which i did), hes happy that im sad and then he gets a chance to "comfort" me when he could've avoided that by not being so selfish and depressed. hes done this a few times where he says "the problem with having self-love is that  you become self-obsessed" and i looked at him like ???? i have self-love, whereas YOU have self-obsession bc you spend on yourself lavishly, you care about how you feel especially if its crappy so you can make me feel the same way, you dont allow me to feel bad when you feel good, you say stupid things to get a reaction out of me, THATS self-obsessed. self-love doesnt destroy the self and others around them. it uplifts and encourages self-love in others. self-obsession makes EVERYTHING about themselves and has no correlation to self-love bc its is purely narcissistic.

then, yesterday he asked me if i feel beautiful around him and truth is, i do...most times. but not the times when he asks me aka US to "diet" and "tighten" my core etc. i dont feel good when he tells me that. ik i can get abs if i really tried bc ive had four abs before when i was in year 9 but the question is... is it worth it? is getting abs worth the pain of eating so minimally and also losing the gains in my ass? i dont think so. its really not.

i do wanna tighten it, but this idea was put into my head by him. and i dont want to be brainwashed a month and 13 days into my marriage. this is my ego trying to convince me that its my idea but all along its his crappy idea. and yesterday he told me we have to be on a deficit and that brought back bad memories of me being literally afraid of food in 2018/2019 and he will never get it. bc he is a guy.

but truth is, im fine as i am and it annoys me when he gives me suggestions on how to "improve" when im okay and dont want to. it makes me feel not enough and i hate that someone else  can make me feel that  way, or reflect that feeling that ive always secretly felt bc im not as "tight" as i should be, physically. also bc ik my body type wont allow bc frkn genetics  and the aesthetics are just not worth that much effort, im sorry.

maybe i like my soft and cute belly and i dont want it to change. i  admit that working out your core is CORE to working out other parts of your body too bc it helps with deadlifts, hip thrusts, squats... all the major compound exercises but idc about it enough to SHOW that "yes i work out my abs, people"

idk im just sick of his suggestions when it comes to the gym. mainly bc he had such a closed-mindset when it comes to "girls' exercises" (honestly, what?) like he was like 'why are doing sets like a MAN?" like wth??? not you tryna claim exercises and reps and sets ???? so stupid. that acc made me very mad when he said that and i told him that "toning" and "building muscle"  is literally the same thing. and he didnt believe me until he checked himself  and came across a sarcastic article about "girls' exercises"  (honestly, thank god  to whoever made it) bc thats when he understood that men and women do the same exercises and that our low testosterone levels will never allow us to look like men. im getting very annoyed writing this rn aswell. but ye, working out my core cant hurt but i dont wanna make his expectations too high.