life updates for anyone who cares

business is taking off alhamdulilah

so my husband and i started this food truck-y business which is called TT and i would love to take the credit but its all his. im still learning to stop trying to be like "it was his idea" or "it was my idea" bc my husband teaches me about union more and more everyday and that means sharing the burden when the other is not there bc you know they'd do the same for you. and honestly i still struggle with that bc of the things that ive witnessed on the internet and in my studies about men/women both being very selfish but more men... about for eg. their businesses or even their inconsideration for women's labour.

currently, im a bit peeved that im unable to workout bc of incorrect shoes and i really dont want to risk an injury again bc of my planter fasciitis and shin splints. but ye my shin splints really do be acting up. im so tired rn but i do wanna get an entry in

this business has caused a lot of fights between the two of us; i would say alot of it is projection on both sides of what the other might do with having a certain role or having money etc etc.

but yesterday i walked in on my husband counting the money and he told me to go bc i'll "tell everyone" about how much we're making. and i got really pissed and aggravated that he just accused me like that, like im some little girl who just blurts out whatever she knows. so stupid.

anyways i became upset and when we talked about it, he said he didnt want me to worry about the money bc thats his domain as a man etc etc and i cant argue with facts. but i told him that he spends very lavishly and almost with no thought so how can i trust him with it?

and he accepted that he has struggled with it in the past but that he wouldnt anymore iA. and the thing is, ava, i talked to myself in my head as he talked. he has never had anyone to look after in his life and im the first person... so why wouldnt i let him take care of me? why do i have to be so self-reliant and defiant bc i dont trust him? why should i place a barrier between us bc i find it hard to accept that he has a responsibility to respect and understand how money should be spent? so i didnt argue back.

but what got to me was when he said the money " wasnt my business" thats what got to me. bc i dont like to put myself above any human experience, bc im only human. and i can go thru anything as long as im alive bc thats what Allah decreed but to oust me like that? and say "its none of [your] business" ???? it was very hurtful

and then he asked me directly, "what do you want, and be honest, is it money, is it status, is it power??" and i said "none of that. i just dont want to be ousted" and he hugged me tightly and told me "see, this is what i mean, youre so innocent/naive that you dont get that we are together - man, what did those friends do to you? youve got trust issues" which is all true. to me, money is obvs the whole point of a business but the bigger point and my husband made this clear to me, is to establish the business as a chain-able or franchiseable place instead of just making a couple hundred dollars - which is thinking small. 

and he said he doesnt want me to compare myself to what other people make or get easily impressed by a couple hundred dollars and i agree but couldnt he also be infected by the same things? i just thought that was unfair but i guess time will tell. for now im comfortable making the condiments and the butter chicken and idrc about anything else. as long as he buys me the stuff i need/want, im happy.

and also if i cant trust my husband with money, how will i trust him to have my kids? how will i trust him to provide for me? how will i trust him to protect me? he cant do any of those things if i dont let him, he cant do them if i dont trust him to, he will feel deflated and become feminine and stay indoors bc he feels like whats the point? and if turning my eyes from the money is what it takes to get him there, then ill do it.

i have to trust him bc if i dont, no one else will. and he is becoming more mature as we progress into this business Alhamdulilah.