life updates for anyone who cares

goals and fears

so i was listening to their podcast and it got me thinking that im probably my biggest enemy and having mental blocks that i need to recognise by acknowledging what exactly my fears and goals and since there  is no judgement here... here it goes:

values:

- to be who i truly am, unapologetically

- to bring value (eg. how philosophy aids the spirituality aspect of islam, podcast hitting off really well and then eventually having my own radio show where people call in)

fears:

- of being different or weird

- of being recognised (imposter syndrome) by those in my past who possibly would be very shocked by my transformation

- of doing things i truly want to (counterproductive since people are snitches and switch with the tide)

what i want:

- literally forget about people in my past; whether that means impressing them or just being scared of how they perceive me

- im ashamed to admit this but shame does more harm than good... but i do want to reach a bigger audience (nicer way of saying fame) even though ive heard its not worth it in the slightest.

what i know:

- i know from empirical evidence and many famous people that fame is literally useless and fruitless and i agree but idk how to not want it. its so compulsive that its dangerous. ik that privacy is a rare commodity which is why i will have an alias and i also know that its not enough. i was listening to the charlie and ben podcast and they said, you need to focus on doing something fulfilling and worthwhile and not worry so much about whether or not your name/face is attached to it. which makes perfect sense but i need to do smth to make me not want it and im not sure what. ik that fame is just a hollow projection im making bc i truly dont feel like im loving myself which means im further from Allah. As we know what Allah says that those who forget Him, He makes them forget themselves. it seems like that is what is happening, and ik what to do but i just dont do it. i also know that its very negative bc people scrutinise you and paste you as a poster child for their personal projections and thats a tough place to be in. i definitely need to work on this tho.