life updates for anyone who cares

sick of blaming the externalities

basically ye, first it was my husband not having a job, being sick of my food business, the birth control pill, the living with the in-laws but really the problem is me. its always been. 

I need to change my circumstances, and honestly im trying to, in my own way. im constantly applying for jobs, i strated reading quraan after ramadan, i pray most of my sunnat prayers and ofc my fardh

but its smth else, its my poopy mindset. im sick of feeling like sh*t, i just want to live life like how its supposed to be lived and not worry about anything else. i gotta change what i can. 

im trying to busy myself but idk whats wrong. im doing the shariah course, im doing whatever i can but truthfully i gotta do tafseer otherwise no matter amount of work will feel like enough. even insta, and facebook are becoming boring, meaning i really get on changing my life. but like how and what exactly?

does there always need to be smth to strive towards, cant i just be at times?

and be happy about it?

i want to live a good soft life, with no worries but also i want to work in my own way. this all reeks of 'build your own business then' but like idk what about?

i want to 'talk' bc i truly believe its what im good at, in fact someone in my workshop even told me 'youre so good anf fluent with your words, i wish i could convey how i feel like you do without the uhms and uhhs" 

idek who im about to blame now, but why did i lose the ability to be self-responsible? i was never like this, thats what gets me. the external will always change, i understand this intellectually but not emotionally or spiritually -- and thats what annoys me. not even music gets me feeling any type of way. its not even im out here dousing myself in dopamine excess. like i dont do anything except for having heaps of caffeine, and trying to find some fulfillment in scrolling on insta/fb but like its clearly not working. 

i wish i was introspecting again. idk why i stopped and when i stopped being myself.

like what do i acc wanna achieve in life. no more bs. im lowkey/highkey depressed theres no way around it. idek what my frustration is. but i physically feel myself resisting the urge to introspect, during prayer, after prayer, i feel this nagging alarm going on inside me and i willingly ignore it and i hate that i do it.

it feels like ive dropped a level or several levels in consciousness - i used to h8 people who never reflected on themselves and here i am, living that life for the past 5-7 months probably more, probably since ive been married

its like im desperately trying to find spiritual fulfilment and it keeps escaping me.. bc im not sure if its considered bid'ah or haram or hurts my aqeedah and so i avoid it altogether. but this is not how sad life is supposed to be. i dont believe it. the prophets were largely happy ofc life has a way of battering us, but there is a tinge of peace and happiness about it that cannot be truly explained in words.

idk yet, but i really gotta make dua and ACTION to fix this bc i dont wanna feel like this.