life updates for anyone who cares

leaving twitter for good.

so i decided today after a week of twitter... that this really was like my ask.fm days. where i was feverishly SEEKING  validation and attention from LITERAL strangers. and while my hindbrain knows this,  my heart is still unhealed. i was off twitter before this week for a week right before quarantine for covid-19... and let me tell you, i was happy.

ye sure, i got bored, but i was HAPPY. and i was very content and peaceful. and my mind could THINK actual thoughts instead of wondering "oh when will they like this" or "i wonder who will like my tweets" and worrying about engagements with my tweets.

so i decided today, after wasting a good chunk of 5 hours of today on twitter, to quit FOR GOOD. not coming back to it like ever, unless its to promote my podcast.

but otherwise i am dead to the twitter world. i am trying to shed this skin of insecurity and i cannot shed it until i delete everything that is on it... and that includes twitter so i feel content with this decision.

especially bc recently all ive been hearing is about deaths of people from covid-19 or just in general... and ive just realised, as of 20 minutes ago, how blessed i am to have my parents.

how blessed i am to have this time, this prime 'singleness' stage bc truly, it is a stage.

how blessed i am to set goals and achieve them.

how blessed i am to live in a country that continues to provide me with opportunities to achieve my dreams that others may never get.

how blessed i am to feel blessed.

bc well and truly, i missed this feeling.

amidst reading 'the art of seduction' i forgot that the truly seductive thing is to live for purpose, for yourself and DETACH from anything that obstructs the path to Allah and your dreams.

that has been the overriding theme of art of seduction: detachment and independence. why not cultivate that thru getting closer to Allah?

Allah tells us that when we fix our relationship with Him, He fixes our affairs with/between people.

and that is my new mindset.

the only thing is, now i need to move thru the seductive process consciously instead of unconsciously, which is why i 'lost' it in year 9.

one sad and hard reality i also had to hit today is that: i need friends. to keep me grounded. levelled. but how?

when im always the controller of everyone in my life?  how do i let this control go? how do let this jealousy of other people having other friends besides me go?

power is destructive. i want people to depend on me... but how much?

do i want minions (in which case i can just give birth) or do i want friends (Which is harder bc im too alpha for my own good)

i need to manifest alpha friends in my life. i need to manifest bad b*tches.

bc thats who i am and thats  who i can get along with. someone whos on my level. someone who just 'gets it', who doesnt disrespect me when she sees im in the wrong. even if i have two friends,... i should be good.

these feelings idk im just getting started with them.. and im kinda glad i decided to let twitter go. its much easier to improve when there are no dsitractions.