life updates for anyone who cares

possessive over my siblings

so, ive been married for exactly 6 months, tomorrow, now. and im starting to really grieve bc of the fact that my siblings, ALL of them have completely changed as well. my parents are different and changed and i feel so distant and alone sometimes bc i live here instead of with them. when i see my sister's posts on twitter, i feel such a bittersweet way. im so happy for her and the changes that are in her, and ik ive inspired a lot of them, but at the same time, i feel like she grew up too fast.

shes doing all the right things but its got me so scared. idk why. maybe bc she changed without me there, witnessing it. now when i go there every week, i feel like a faraway guest whos watching all these changes and doesnt know what to do. my youngest brother was caught m*sturbating by my sister and she told me about it, obvs, bc she was scarred. i caught my other brother calling this girl "babe" and when i confronted him about it, he said he wasnt serious, she wasnt a gf and he was just bored. so i proposed to him if his future wife told him these reasons for why she used to talk to multiple men, would that be acceptable?

if you dont want a girl from the streets, why are you on the streets, doing street behaviour? does that make sense?

but tbh, i feel myself not even that attached to them anymore and i hate it. my siblings who i have lived with all my life, no matter all the crap we've been thru and ive had to deal with, i love them so dearly that it scares me sometimes.

i wish them all the best. and im never gonna leave their side from now on or ever, in shaa Allah. 

like my husband reassured me, now that they're going to grow up, their individual and instilled qualities will shine thru. for eg. my sister is just like me now, pre-marriage.  shes focussed on herself, her studies, getting A+ grades, just thriving allahuma barek, and i feel like shes gonna get married soon too now.

i just hope its not someone older than my husband bc that would be weird ngl. but whatever's best for her iA.

like my attachment to them and my husband is much more healthy now. i can only advise at the end of the day, the rest is on the other person. i dont feel myself losing any sleep over this, so i guess my saviour complex is a lot more relaxed. i havent written a diary entry in so long, i feel instantly better just writing and getting it out of my system.

in other news, im seeing real progress in my fat loss journey, even tho its bittersweet bc im getting quite skinny... but not weak. im losing alot of belly fat alhamdulilah. and im jumping rope almost every single day for the past two weeks and ive seen huge improvements.

my results for the last semester havent arrived yet, but ik they arent amazing which is why i need to really push myself this coming semester to see real results. ive enrolled for three units and i also have my diploma of marriage counselling to do. ive also enrolled in islamic sharia course with my husband

update: so we went back to my parents' place and i realised that my sister is truly happy alhamdulilah. shes just coding, reading manga, watching anime, discussing on discord. altho i would wish she left discord, atleast shes not on twitter.

i visited her private rant twitter yesterday bc i saw a note on her phone that said "i wish i was aborted"  i wanna call just her today to see what that was about but obviously its hard to talk to her with everyone there. i think shes fairly over adam now alhamdulilah, probably bc shes smarter and more mature to realise that she was pining after smth meaningless. but honestly i have to be more understanding as well. as someone who hasn't (alhamdulilah) craved boys' attention bc i udnerstood how fruitless and worthless it is, ik my sister struggles with it.

which is why seh keeps bringing up the w*qas situation as if he liked her, but she, him and i all know it wasnt the case and it was jsut a misunderstanding. i didnt tell her what my cousin told me (that w*qas acc wanted to talk to me) bc i knew shes susceptible to feeling envious over this kind of stuff. and she was talking about w*qas on this private account of hers, which honestly is quite sad. bc shes trying her best to flip the script. and allahuma barek, there is nothing wrong with her. but as long as she thinks of herself as less than nothing and no one can help her.

also, she did write about adam as her ex-crush so alhamdulilah for that and she also mentioned that he was her first love but they were both "Stupid kids who dreamt too hard" and that "he broke" her heart. she then said "i wonder how my husband would react if i told him this, maybe he would have a first love of his own"

and i cant imagine the test she must be going thru.

the thing with my sister is that she loves to have internet friendships and at the same time she doesnt really trust or believe in them and there is this "friend" that she has, her name is du'a and she just ghosts her sometimes. i still see the tendencies of my sister to attract or converse with narcissists and i hope that she learns one day. ik that she will bc alhamdulilah i see her more sane and more happy with the way things are ALHAMDULILAH so ik that Allah will teach her healthier attachments