life updates for anyone who cares

feeling off and angry

idk why exactly or maybe its a range of things but im feeling quite angry as i write this and in this anger i couldnt sleep. i feel like im misdirecting my anger towards my husband for old things for eg. me remembering that hes been turned on by other girls before. and i also remembered that he said smth stupid months ago about "toned girls" and how he wanted to pump them basically. 

he didnt say that but obviously putting your fist in your mouth while talking about thick girls only means one thing. and rn hes fast asleep and honestly im over this whole crap.

like everytime we talk about the gym i regret it bc him and his old worldview about "girls shouldnt lift" like why the hell not????? 

anyways hes not that educated on it, but he does get really emotional about it and thinks im tryna compete with him or "get big" but how do i explain that i wanna be thicc and soft at the same time bc thats the power of being a woman????? idk its not like he even lets me talk, always talking over me and not even listening.

these past few days hes also getting increasingly frustrated and frustrating to deal with, just his whole body language being off; making annoyed faces, the sighing, the 'ugh im over this convo, let me distract her with a kiss' faces. like who do you frkn think you are????

anyways im so sore from my workouts and yet i cant sleep bc im so pissed so i had to come downstairs and vent bc i was not about to let this sleep pass me by while i tossed and turned. 

ive also had a big breakthru this week, in regards to one of my old friends A.Z whose dad is an absolute embezzler. anyways, shes apparently getting married to this divorced sheikh who was married to a lebanese for 6 years and idk i had to tell my MIL about the dad bc i couldnt not tell them knowing that hes been divorced before. so i did, and man oh man, did i open a can of worms. 

anyways, my MIL got really worried and naturally told the son's mother what A.Z's dad is like to which the aunty got defensive, since their nikkah is literally in two days. so i can understand, but isnt it interesting that people would sacrifice long-term possible unhappiness for short-term happiness? like wouldnt you rather know the red flags now than when its too late?

anyways, the argument became quite heated to where the aunty started asking about me as my MIL's bahoo and MIL answered that her intention was not to ruin a rishta, it was just a forewarning, esp. for someone who has been thru so much, but it just wasnt received well.

to be fair, my MIL did add a lot of unnecessary stuff. for eg. the aunty started saying that the rishta is going thru bc A.Z's mum is a hafidha and she teaches quraan etc to which my MIL said "but your son married the sheikh's daughter last time, so you know better than anyone that looks can be deceiving." im not quite sure what aunty's response was to that but i feel like my MIL couldve handled it better since i told her that their nikkah is in three days, and that it wouldnt be smart to indulge in such info. anyways, i guess humans always make mistakes, its just in our nature

honestly, i felt off for the whole day yesterday bc i felt like i ruined A.Z's life bc of her father's sins, but honestly, no matter how much i dont like her or her whole snobby ass family, i should not want to avenge for my father or even get my personal grievances in between all this rishta stuff. bc it can spoil even the noblest of intentions and my intention was honestly for Allah bc i would hate to see somebody making such a serious decision like marriage without knowing the full deal. i put that same situation on myself and thought about the times that such information enlightened me to make a clear decision.

and yesterday i just cried bc i realised just how much i acc miss A.Z and all the little cute good times that we had. for eg. i remember a time where right before i left her house, she made a secret dua for me and said 'ily for the sake of Allah, ava" and i was like "what does that even mean?" and she said "it means ily no matter what happens" and i was so touched, and then she told me to make a dua for her.

it was just that one moment i remember i loved being her friend.

ofc i dont miss the trio that happened when Z.M came along and they went to the same school together, but you know what, it happens to everyone. i'd be a fool to say i wouldnt keep in contact with those i was in direct contact with everyday, and with whomst there were so many things you didnt have to explain i.e what happened at school.

but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. bc i knew both A.Z and Z.M before they knew each other (well, not technically. they did know each other but they did NOT like each other and i knew Z.M didnt at all, esp. bc we both came from perth where everything is very different)

anyways, and the way that A.Z just ghosted everyone including me during her hsc, was not on. and she told me it was her parents' decision to do so, so that she would perform well, but what they were really doing was burning her out. i can forgive her for that, bc i understand parental pressure. but its just like everything that happened was meant to happen, and i cant even get mad at it.

i think after the hsc she tried to be rebellious and started listening to songs etc. tryied to be hip, tried to know all these things about drugs etc, tried making friends that weren't really her type. 

so when i consider it from that pov, i can understand why she ghosted me, i am a reminder of who she used to be, the controlled A.Z (by her parents), the extremely good girl but against her own wishes. and that... must be hard. i also believe this is why shes so ambivalent about sifs, bc she was forced into it by her mom, and part of her rebellion is just not attending... and she knows that if she just "leaves" it wont be met with niceness from her parents

i wish her the best and honestly, regardless of the past really want to get to know her again, bc she is super interesting and super funny and i do really like her even if we dont talk and shes very frsutrating.