life updates for anyone who cares

stressed out ah

idkkkk i feel like a stressball, i dont feel like talking to anyone, not even my husband, my period is late by 3 days and im so frkn stresed out idek why

sometimes i really wish i could take drugs to make this stupid anxiety go away, i jsut wanna smoke some weed is that too much to ask, i seriously need it at times or xanax or anything tbh. not to get addicted (ik everybody says that) but nothing natural is working. currently listening to ice cream man instrumental sped ip and its making me get inmy zone bc its been a while. its just me here rn and this music in my ears. i love the beat its so different and interesting

i get so much anxiety about the stupidest of things i wish i could just relax, always on edge, always starting smth and not being able to relax. i wish i could smoke smth anything, so that my heart beat would calm down.

i need to document two dreams that i had, one dream i had last week which was featuring this girl from insta legally_mary and bc shes  a lawyer and living one of my alter ego dreams, i guess she was in my dream.

now obvs, if you go and check her account, you will see shes quite a sexy woman, which annoys me tbh bc shes not representing islam well but i felt myself increasingly comparing myself to her so i immediately unfollowed her so she would leave me alone and i could stop thinking about her dumb ass but anyway she showed up in my dream.

basically me and my husband were talking about smth and randomly he asked me to show her insta, and i was hesitant but didnt wanna show that i was jealous etc so i showed him (this would never happen irl) but anyway, he started to zoom in one or two of her photos on her boobs and her ass, and i got so triggered but i kept quiet.

and then he say said smth like "wow shes a lawyer, thats amazing, we should get her" and i looked at him like "wtf is wrong with you, you didnt let me become a lawyer and yet here you are praising someone else" and he just shrugged it off like it was no big deal.

now idk what the meaning of this is, perhaps that im letting my husband dull my shine and my ambition bc he doesnt "want" me to become smth, and in the same breath he will uplift someone else doing the same thing i wanna do, but bc its "them" its ok and that really pissed me off bc like wth i fully feel like im not living to the fullest.. but am i blaming my husband for it?

how do i even know if its what i want? if i can get out of this stupid studying hole, maybe i can think about what i acc want. im so sick and tired of stupid uni i just want it to end. 

ik everybody keeps telling me im gonna enjoy motherhood and having a family, but i dont really think theres anythign in tis world you can fully enjoy, sorry for beign nihilistic. but like wth are kids if not for filling some void or 'motherly' ness or some dumb so-called "biology" that people use to explain things that dont make actually any sense to them, so its easy to say "well, its in my biology like im not motherly in the slightest, and i feel like im lying to myself about how 'traditional' i am. yes i love staying in the house, but i sick of my husband, his family, my family, everybody's dumb shit. i dont wanna deal with any of it

i dont want stupid kids who are gonna leave me anyway, or a husband who is gonna get sick of the saggy skin after i have them kids, im sick of all of the performative 'care' and 'love' like pls stop lying to me. 

idc about anything, thts the truth, everything else i say to myself and everyone is a distraction

the other dream i had was two days ago and it was before fajr so you know its true.. anyways i had a dream i was pregnant and about to be in labor but i didnt wanna push bc i knew it would hurt a lot so i just didnt push.

i searched up the meaning of this and it said that pregnant woman can mean many things but in my case only one applied: that wealth and richness and respect is coming into my life .. but now that i think about it. the fact that i was unwilling to push tells me everything; money isnt coming into my life bc im not pushing it out of me, i have a lot of internal work to do and ofc external effort with my business/brand. im very unmotivated atm, i just wanna get my period 

and today i felt like there is a huge net of blessings right on top of my head, and Allah is ready to unleash it,, if i do a couple of things... i have tried to give charity adn given money to my cousin who is soon to come to australia and i felt so good that i did that adn ik that when i ahve more money ill do more good iA but i need to take actionable steps, that means acc investing, stocks trades all of the above

"In a dream, a pregnancy indicates woman's success, diligence and assiduity in pursuing her goals. In a dream, pregnancy also means receiving recognition, respect and prosperity. The extent of wealth is measured by the number of months of such pregnancy and the size of one's growth in the dream. This is true whether it is a man or a woman in the dream."

i was 9 months pregnant, pretty much about to give birth but i didnt wanna push