life updates for anyone who cares

its ramadan again!!

Alhamdulilah for seeing another ramadan, but its really hard to enjoy when you are so overwhelmed by work and assignments. i have two assignments due next week and im so worried i wont submit them but ik worry doesnt solve a thing which is why im journalling rn. 

me and my mum had a deep talk this last weekend about how i felt that iw as parentified which iw as, now alhamdulilah we didnt go thru any abuse or a two-working household, but i still felt i was responsible for the way my parents felt about my sister and also obvs about me. about me, was up to me, but i felt like i was the mediator between my sister and my dad and mum when it came to her difficulty. obvs nobody focuses on the easy child,  but i would be lying if i said they never asked me if i was okay, me and baba used to talk every other night or so about my life etc but everytime i talked to him, i felt like he was always telling me to "be grateful" which at the time sounded like good advice but i didn't feel comforted which is more important than anything.

i told mama the same thing. i felt like i was expected to know things beyond my years simply bc i was "mature" i wasnt allowed to be immature like my sister or my brothers. she mentioned that isnt it a good thing that i learned leadership from that role? yes but at the expense of my fun childhood which idk if it was worth it.

now i value myself by how much i can do and give to others, and maybe that doesnt sound so bad... but when your self-esteem and confidence is tied to how much you do then it starts to get murky. i will be of service just bc idk how else to be there for people, i fear this is my only quality.

and the thing is, people always push me in this role, but why is the real question. my husband says i should "be there for his mum" and "be there for my SIL J" but truth is, both of them are happy whether im there or not. J is challak as hell and she knows who to hang around to save herself and thats my SIL S, so i dont think i wanna be around someone so political infecting me her crappy thinking. 

anyways S and J both come to me telling me how much they "hate" J or S, respectively. and LITERALLY the next day, they'll go to brunch together, without inviting me, and they make sure to post stories too, so theyre shitty tbh and deserve whats coming to them.

anyways, im very detached from both of them and i just keep a amicable relo, i do my own thing and i dont bother them anymore. i dont ask whats up, bc if i do, and maybe i will, just to say.. but you hang out with her? so why be two-faced? i just wanna see their faces when i say that. ik J wouldnt really care; she probably just wont tell me anymore. but S will get defensive and say "wElL WhAt dO yOU wANt Me To dO" like sis, nothing. i dont want you talking crap about her and literally hanging out with her the next day. thats so two-faced, what are you teaching your kids? you think kids learn thru words or examples???? use your brain and its not about me defending J, i deadass dont care about her like that anymore, its about the principle. like have some integrity.

anyways, my sister called me and told me that she saw mama and baba crying the other night (After my chat with mama) and i was so shocked to hear that it was still affecting mama, so i messaged her and told her, that mistakes were made but that doesnt mean you did a bad job or that your parenting sucks. i was simply telling you what hurt me and how i wanted you to comfort me and instead i was told to "suck it up". bc people are so shocked that i have emotions or that things affect me, bc im always there for everyone so people think i dont need them to be there for me. take for eg. afra and mariam, 3/10 friendship for both. both are terrible friends, esp afra. honestly i dont expect anything from mariam bc shes hella stupid tbh and pretty immature. and we can probably start talking when she gets married and moves in, but with afra, she has a character issue. 

like everytime i tell her smth, i instantly regret it bc shes so damn stupid and doesnt care to comfort, the problem is ive already told her this and that i hate this about her but shes so non-chalant, she thinks it makes her cool not to give a crap or know how to comfort.

anyways, ive done my part, the only one left is m*znah who is much more mature and easy to talk to bc she thinks similar to me and cares too much just like me. also shes the eldest so we relate on that level. so is afr* but the thing is, she doesnt care about her siblings. afr* is very self-absorbed, shes not a friend that you go to when in need, shes just a fun buddy, and not even fun in my eyes bc all she talks about is coworkers. anyways.

basically my issue with mama was that in friendship issues, when i didnt know what to do i went to mama, but i always felt worse. she would either laugh it off, laugh at the fact that i was crying about said issues or worse, compliment the other person that i had the worst time with simply bc they are polite and say salam(an*sha) and so i stopped telling her stuff, imagine my shock.

anyways, i told mama that didnt she tell naano in 2013, right before she died, about the times where she made mistakes? for eg. with sa*ma mamee and how she gave her control over the house etc, but she took advantage of that and pushed my mum and khala jaan to the side.. and mama discussed this with naano. and even after moving abroad and having four grown kids, it still affected her.. and why wouldnt it? it was her mum who did that, thats why. i think when i gave that example, she understood where i was coming from. i didnt say that she sucked at parenting or that she didnt know better, but she could've done better and she knows she could've. and thats it.

these things dont have to matter so much now, i instantly felt better when she apologised for an*sha and even if she didnt and she simply said i understand, my heart has already healed and we can move forward.

and im glad i honoured myself instead of saying "you know what, my childhood wasnt bad etc" just to make everyone feel better. and ik baba gets very defensive, instead of understanding, he will say things like "acha, so i wont even ask you anymore, if you think im intruding etc" like thats not what im saying and you know it. and that infuriates me but ik i have to stay patient. and thats his hurt coming thru, not his real answer. ik parents think theyre perfect, but we gotta dismantle that and tell them theyre not, if you think youre perfect, you will never improve. and no one can "fill in" for a parent for eg, how i was a third parent and everyone knows it.

and baba told my sister now, that shes in charge and has to be the thir dparent for my brother who just started uni.. like what do you know? my sister thinks i was exaggerating the whole situation, and you  know what? let her think that, she knows better now and she will learn her lesson now that the burden is on her shoulders. she used to think washing the dishes wasnt a big deal, and being the eldest wasnt a big deal and that i exaggerated... until i left the house nad she realised the burden fell on her. she doesn even know the half of it. anyways i didnt say anything to her when she said "why did you send mama that reel when we werent abused/neglected/two house income" i stayed quiet, bc we were immigrants and i had to protect my parents from my siblings and my siblings from my parents. their internet activity, nobody has any idea what ive seen on every one of their phones. so dont come to me with that bs

if i was afr* or worse, fat*ma, i wouldnt have given a single crap and i wouldve let my parents get depressed instead of me. like how m*h*m's parents are upset and sad about her daily activities, that couldve been them had it not been for me. im the one protecting everyone from everyone and the audacity to say "but we werent abused" is so stupid. not every abuse is obvious. and not every trauma is obvious or has to be so bad to be taken seriously.