life updates for anyone who cares

M.G and a new revelation

So, today my brother randomly said that hes "scared" of me, of what i can do basically and i was so confused bc it was after i saw M.G's engagement party which she didnt invite the group to, but her lebo friends went. and obvs i was cut, i have every right to be... like if anyone else's friend didnt invite them to THEIR engagement party, they would be equally pissed, so anyway, i started ranting a little bit which is when he said "im scared of you" but it wasnt cute or funny, it was painting me as if i was a criminal and all i do is start fights. and then he said smth that insinuated i would be domineering/dominating over his wife which really pissed me off.

so i started to talk to him and said that its very sad to see he thinks like that about me considering that if i was the type to start fights of fitnah etc, then J.A and my MIL could have been fighting forever, and there was nothing in this dunya for me to help them repair their relo, so if i was really that "scary", i wouldnt have done such a thing and then i started crying bc my face started to become red, and everybody was looking at me now.

my stupid husband didnt help and started laughing and saying that i was "acting" or "fake crying" which honestly is a frkn low blow. like i fully wasnt, i was embarrassed and choked up bc the atmosphere became very awkward, i went to the other living room to pray alone and then my brother came back and said that i misunderstood him etc.

and then he said that hes just scared that im gonna judge his wife or whatever, and i was genuinely very annoyed that he thought that. i think bc of the way i pick up on who and what people are and other people dont, im labelled as judgmental or whatever the heck, but really i see thru the lies, my brother's stupid best friend, nobody in the family likes him, but my brother is so desparate for friendship, that thats why he holds on, and truly believes h*rris will be there for him when we all know hes the type to throw people under the bus

anyways, he said smth like "i feel like this judgy part of you is why you struggle with your other relos" but honestly? i dont believe so. i believe i "suck" at relos, bc i acc ask for some substance and not what the latest fashion is, or what the best house looks like and all this stupid stuff. and i said that "youre projecting onto me and r*h*b (our youngest bro) all the time bc you judge others based on how many friends they have, and thats why you aspire to have many friends, but seriously? ive tried that and im not about that life." and then he admitted that he "used to" judge everyone based on how many friends they have bc of his own insecurity but seriously, he still has remnants of it atm. but i didnt say that.

anyways, and then he mentioned how i still let M.G get to me even tho ik what a piece of crap she really is so why do i? and i was like ye true, and i started bawling my eyes out bc im so frkn embarrassed im letting a frkn 18 yo get to me while im about to turn 23???!?!?!? like wth ava, get your crap together, and as if said this, i was so embarrassed, like literally idk whats wrong with me, either i have a major soft spot for her or smth

and the thing is.. she couldnt care less. she didnt even visit us when our phoppo died even tho we visited her when hers died, she apologised for it and said "sorry i couldnt come" and i shrugged it off, but really theres no excuse. and she can go to frkn hell for all i care, shes dead to me.

she can go marry her stupid cousin, and have her stupid engagement party, he doesnt even know that shes hooked up with her other cousin back in pakistan, smoked weed with him right after she did UMRAH. like are you frkn kidding me, how stupid can you be. 

anyways, he would die if he ever found out, but this stuff always gets out. shes a hoe anyways, always talking to all of our family friends, and then suddenly acting like she never liked them/talked to them like shutup, always talking about her looks, her body, her status, her money. shes such a sad individual deep inside. 

moreover, her stupid mum is so judgmental of us and treats mama like crap bc we're not rich enough for her ugly taste, but iA Allah will show her what truly matters in life and she will experience it in this life ya Rabb, make her experience this in this life, i want her to go thru it, since she loves to look down on those that have lesser than her, show her thru a personal example what truly matters in life, AMEEN.

moreover, M.G is a total clout chaser, she doesnt even like her fiance, shes literally with him bc like "why not" but if she could, she would whore around her whole teens/20's bc thats who she is. shes a damn chameleon, she follows the crowd and doesnt have her own personality, shes always such a bootlicker with her lebo friends and honestly? its embarrassing watching her with her lebo friends, she fully feels inferior cuz shes paki. cant relate.

anyways, im deciding to let this piece of crap leave my peace and leave my mind forever iA and this is me inviting better, transparent and clearer energy towards me. May Allah make it so i have supportive friends around me, who dont use me for anything, dont use me as a 'free therapist' or whatever, and acc reciprocate AMEEN.